Dear Ken… My boyfriend got another girl pregnant
I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.
Letter
Hey Ken, I read through all your posts while I was getting a pedicure and fell in love with your writing. I need some advice......I been with my boyfriend since college. I am now 23, I graduated and moved to Atlanta and recently he has been staying with me because he is relocating for work. We had conversations about moving in together and taking the relationship to the next steps and I was kind of apprehensive about it because something wasn't feeling right. We went to school in Virgina and he was living out there but wanted some better opportunities so I told him to come here and he ended up getting something in his field. So boom this where the story starts, I DID NOT GO THROUGH HIS PHONE- but his apple watch was in the bathroom and I forgot my phone and needed entertainment so I explored it some. I seen some messages between him and this girl that was inappropriate and I scrolled up to discover he got her pregnant in July. I know they got an abortion because the texts were arguments and she brought it up, the texts were from last year up into last month. I feel like this is so disrespectful and unbelievable, when I approached him about it he got defensive about me going through his things and then apologized and was pleading. I am so over the relationship but he is making me feel like I am in the wrong for wanting to throw away the relationship. He says that this is just a bump in the road and she got an abortion so that's why he did not tell me because he hasn't cheated since (I promise I'm not dumb I know what you probably thinking) I feel so dirty too because we have been having sex unprotected for years so why would he expose me like this t`o something by having sex with someone else. I want to leave but this is my apartment and he has no where to go. Am I wrong for wanting to putting him out and wanting to be single over this hiccup? Any advice on this and healing through a heartbreak would be so appreciated, thank you girl.
Response
Hey babe,
PREGNANTTTT??!!! This situation is a lot, and I don’t think you’re dumb. I’m proud of you for reaching out because you deserve to be heard and supported through this.
Now, let’s be real—he’s trash. Ain’t no sugarcoating that. You found out he was messing around, getting someone else pregnant, and wasn’t even upfront about it. That's disrespectful, and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. The fact that he's flipping it on you and making you feel bad for wanting to leave? Sis, that’s manipulation at its finest. If a man is gonna have one thing, its audacity. You’re allowed to walk away from that.
You’re 23, girl. Too young to be out here stressing over someone who can’t even respect you enough to be honest. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, and you do not need to be stuck with someone who’s playing games. A relationship should bring you peace, not make you question your worth or make you feel like you're in the wrong for wanting something real.
Also, I see you went through his Apple Watch for entertainment—lmao, I’m dead! I’m not mad at you lmaoooo.
As for him having nowhere to go: don’t get in the habit of making someone comfortable at the expense of your own comfort. You’ve been letting him stay with you, you’ve been opening your home and your heart, and now he’s out here disrespecting both. Don’t let this be a pattern. What you decide today will impact the woman you are tomorrow. When you look back on this moment, do you want to feel good about the choices you made? Do you want the woman you’re becoming to be okay with making decisions that don’t prioritize her own peace? You deserve to be comfortable, to feel safe, and to trust the person you’re with. And, sis, he’s showing you that he’s not the one to provide that.
Look, I work with couples who’ve been through affairs and betrayal in therapy. So, let me tell you, I’m not here to judge your decisions. I support anyone who wants to try and work through things after betrayal, but at the end of the day, it’s about what feels right for you. I tell all my clients who’ve gone through similar situations—lean on your values. What would your values tell you to do in this situation? Because that’s what’s gonna lead you to the right decision for your heart, your peace, and your future. You don’t need to do anything that doesn’t feel right in your soul.
So here’s how I’d suggest moving forward:
Feel all the feelings. You’re gonna have a range of emotions, and it’s okay to be mad, sad, confused—all of it. Let yourself process them without feeling guilty.
Turn on that Lemonade Album girly.
Space is necessary. Whether it’s cutting contact for a bit or just taking some time to be alone, sometimes you have to protect your energy. Don’t feel bad about creating distance if that’s what you need.
Lean on your tribe. Talk to your friends, family—whoever has your back. You need people who will remind you of your worth when you forget.
Focus on your healing. Do the things that make you feel good, whether it’s self-care, hitting the gym, or just having a girls' night. You deserve to feel like yourself again.
Girl, trust yourself here. You know what’s best for you. You’ve got a whole future ahead of you, and this is just one chapter. Don’t let this dude or anyone else take your peace.
I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this. ❤️
