No Blueprint, No Problem: Healing and Breaking Through Doubt

It’s finally here! I’m beyond excited to officially announce Healing Spaces: Wellness for Marginalized Communities—a one-day event that’s been in the making for some time. This isn’t just another wellness gathering—it’s a space for Black, Brown, and marginalized communities to heal together. We’ll be offering somatic healing workshops, aromatherapy, panel discussions on trauma and resilience, and a community-focused mixer where professionals and participants can connect. Tickets officially go live on April 1st, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to invite you to join us on June 14, 2025, for this transformative day of healing.

Tickets and event details are available here :)

Let me keep it a buck— it was never an option for this event to not happen. By now, y’all should know me a bit, and to know me is to know—if I don’t got anything, I have audacity. The idea of letting self-doubt or fear stop me from making this happen? Not even on the table. Not an option. Not even for a second did I consider quitting, letting self-doubt take the wheel, or listening to the voice that says, "Maybe you’re not cut out for this." But if I had bought into those stuck points, if I had allowed those thoughts to control me, maybe it would’ve been. Maybe I wouldn’t be here today, inviting you to join me for what will be a powerful and liberating experience.

I don’t buy into those stuck points. And neither should you.

I’m really just a girl from Englewood, grew up low-income, experienced some things that really messed with my mind. I’ve been through enough to make anyone second guess their worth, their dreams, their potential. But every time that voice—whether it’s internal or external—pops up telling me I’m not enough or that my dreams are too big for me, I remind myself: being a Black woman means I’m raw as shit. Directions? Never had them and I don’t need them.

I don’t need to follow anyone’s map or mold. I’m carving my own path, and I’m doing it in real-time, with no instructions, no guidebook, just the knowledge that if I push through these fears and stuck points, I’ll get to the other side.

And if you’re anything like me, you’ve had those same moments of doubt. The moments where you ask yourself, “Who am I to do this?” “Who am I to take up space in this way?” Let’s be honest—whether it’s pursuing career goals, starting a business, or making big life changes, we’ve all had that voice telling us we’re not worthy, that we don’t belong, that it’s just too much.

But that voice is a lie. In my best Karlie Redd’s voice… it was all a lie guys.

Here’s what I know for sure: just because I feel something doesn’t make it true. Just because I feel unworthy doesn’t mean I am. Just because I’ve been through some tough shit doesn’t mean that’s where my story ends. That’s just one chapter. It’s not the whole book.

So, let’s talk about stuck points. You know the ones—the beliefs that keep you stuck in a cycle of second-guessing, the thoughts that tell you that you’re not good enough, not strong enough, not capable enough to do the things you’ve dreamed about. I’ve had my fair share of these stuck points. I’ve told myself I wasn’t qualified enough, smart enough, experienced enough to create this event. I’ve had days where I thought, “Maybe this is too much. Maybe I should just stay in my lane.” But then, I remember: we don’t stay in lanes, sis. We make our own roads.

You don’t need anyone else’s roadmap to your success or your healing. What you need is to understand that you are enough right now, in this very moment, exactly as you are. Your story—your experience—has already qualified you to do the things that others may not think are possible. And those stuck points? They’re just noise trying to keep you small.

That’s why I’m creating Healing Spaces—not just as an event, but as a movement. It’s a space where we can release the things that have been holding us back, together. It’s a space where we can confront the trauma we’ve been carrying and rewrite the narrative. It’s a space where we can say to each other, “You are enough. You always were. You’ve always had the power to heal, to grow, to thrive.”

At Healing Spaces, we won’t just talk about healing—we’ll experience it. From somatic workshops that help us reconnect with our bodies to aromatherapy that calms our nervous systems, we’re going to dive deep. And let’s not forget the panel discussions where we’ll hear from experts who understand our unique experiences and challenges. We’re not here for surface-level wellness—we’re here for deep, radical healing. The kind that confronts the stuck points and says, “Not today, not anymore.”

This is a call to arms for anyone who’s been made to feel small, for anyone who’s doubted themselves, for anyone who’s felt like they didn’t have a place in this world. Healing Spaces is your place.

So here’s my challenge to you: show up for yourself. Show up for the person you’ve been, the person you are, and the person you’re becoming. Don’t let the voice of doubt keep you in a box. Don’t let those stuck points define you. You are not stuck—you’re just in a messy middle, and that’s okay. This is where growth happens. This is where you break free from everything that’s been holding you back.

If I can do this, with all the odds stacked against me, so can you. If I can create a space where healing is possible for our communities, you can create the life you want for yourself.

So get your tickets on April 1st, and join me on June 14th for a day that will change the way you see yourself and your power. Together, we heal. Together, we break free from the stuck points. Together, we reclaim our stories and move forward as the unapologetically powerful beings we were always meant to be.

Grab a friend, then grab anotha one :) See y’all there. xxxx

When Friendship Shifts: Growing Pains, Grace, and Letting Go

This may be past my age class, but I’ve seen so many clips of the Tee Tee, Brooklyn, and Gigi moment at Rolling Loud that it made me reflect on my own experience with friendship.

As someone who preaches the importance of sisterhood, I’ve gone through the seasons. I’ve lost people along the way. I’ve felt the sting of misalignment. And my honest stance on this situation? Wasn’t shit funny. If my girls would laugh with someone outside of our friendship while I’m visibly uncomfortable—it’s over for them. No discussion.

Honestly y’all friendship shifts.

What you used to laugh at one year might hit completely differently the next. What felt like safety in a moment might feel like betrayal in the next season. And sometimes, those subtle changes in energy, loyalty, or understanding are enough to shake the whole foundation.

That’s the hardest part about growing—especially in your 20s. You’re evolving, stretching, becoming someone you’ve never been before… and not every friendship is built to survive that shift.

Maybe you’re in a friend group where things used to feel solid. You were the closest. Y’all were inseparable. But then time passes. People change. Suddenly, the one you used to vent to is now posting cute bestie reels with someone else. And no one did anything “wrong,” but the dynamic just isn’t the same. That’s real.

There’s no manual for this. No blueprint for how to grieve a friendship that didn’t necessarily end, but doesn’t feel like home anymore. And for first-gen folks like us—where our friendships often serve as chosen family—it can feel like abandonment. Like losing a piece of your identity.

And in times like this, where everything is public and instant, we’re quick to label people: fake, disloyal, mean girl, jealous. We cancel our friends just as fast as we celebrate them. Sometimes it’s justified. Sometimes it’s reactionary. But the truth is… we don’t always give each other room to grow, or to mess up and come back from it.

I saw the response videos too. And if I’m honest, I’d be really disappointed if my friends handled something like that the same way. There was a lot of defense. A lot of “I’m not a bad friend” energy. But sometimes we are.

And I say that with love, because I’ve been there.

I think about the moments where I wasn’t the best friend. Where I snapped at someone who didn’t deserve it, caught an attitude because I was overwhelmed, said some shit that was out of line. And I’ve been on the receiving end too. That’s the thing about friendship—it sees you through so many versions of yourself. If it’s real, it holds space for your humanity. It doesn’t excuse the harm, but it allows room for repair.

What’s helped me keep my friendships strong isn’t perfection. It’s accountability. It’s respect.

Instead of letting things fester or fall apart, I’ve learned how to say: “What I did was wrong. I apologize. That wasn’t about you, and I hate that it made you feel that way. Can we talk about it?”

That small moment of humility goes a long way. It makes space for healing. For grace. For understanding. It keeps the door open.

Because intention matters—but impact matters more. You can mean well and still cause harm. You can love someone and still let them down. And the repair isn’t in pretending it didn’t happen. It’s in owning it, learning from it, and doing better.

So maybe this blog isn’t about the drama. Maybe it’s about the reminder that even the most beautiful friendships can change. And that doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean they were fake. It means you’re human. It means growth is happening.

Friendship in your 20s is layered. Sometimes, you’re Tee Tee—disappointed and hurt, realizing the people you love might not always show up the way you need. Other times, you’re Brooklyn or Gigi—realizing after the fact that your silence said more than you meant it to. Both positions are uncomfortable. Both require reflection. And both are a part of growing up.

The truth is, some friendships will grow with you. Some won’t. And both outcomes are okay.

The goal isn’t to hold onto people out of habit, guilt, or history—it’s to build a life where you feel safe, supported, and seen. Where your relationships reflect your values, not just your memories. And when something shifts, you get to decide: is this a rupture we can repair, or a chapter that’s closing?

Either way, you’re allowed to choose peace. You’re allowed to redefine what friendship looks like as you become more of who you are.

What matters most is that you don’t abandon you in the process.

And if you’re in a season where your friendships are shifting, here are some things that might help you navigate it all with a little more clarity and care:

1. Pay attention to how you feel around your friends.

Friendship should feel like relief, not pressure. If you leave every hangout feeling drained, insecure, or unseen—it’s worth checking in with yourself. Sometimes your body knows what your heart hasn’t said yet.

2. Stop performing loyalty you no longer feel.

You can love someone and still admit the dynamic no longer serves you. You’re not fake for evolving. You’re not disloyal for needing distance. Honor the truth of where your relationship actually stands.

3. Learn the difference between a pattern and a mistake.

People mess up. And if someone fails you once but shows up with humility, accountability, and change—that’s something to build on. But if the harm is repetitive, dismissive, or minimized, that’s a pattern. Believe it.

4. Be willing to say the hard thing.

“I miss you.”
“I didn’t feel supported.”
“I think we’re growing apart.”
It’s vulnerable as hell, but sometimes the honesty opens the door to deeper connection—or at least clarity. Silence doesn’t protect the friendship; it just prolongs confusion.

5. Let go without bitterness.

Not every friendship ends with a blow-up. Some just fade. And that doesn’t make them less real. Grieve the closeness, cherish the good, and allow space for both endings and beginnings.

6. Prioritize friendships that feel mutual.

You deserve reciprocity. You deserve to be poured into. Stop chasing people who only show up when it’s convenient. Invest where the love feels returned and the energy feels aligned.

Friendship in your 20s will stretch you. It will teach you who you are, how you love, what you need, and what you’re no longer willing to tolerate. Let it.

Let it shape you—not into someone harder, but someone clearer.

Someone who chooses peace, softness, and people who see you fully… and stay.

Some Days Just Feel Off—And That’s Okay

I’ve been in a crappy mood all week.

Not the kind of bad mood where something specific happened. Just a general, low-energy, cranky, I-don’t-want-to-do-anything-but-there’s-so-much-to-do kind of mood.

At first, I blamed it on caffeine. I was drinking way too much of it last week, and it completely threw off my sleep, my routine, and my energy. I rested, but somehow, I still feel drained.

And my first instinct? To fix it. To force myself out of it. To make myself productive so I could override the feeling and snap out of it.

But I’ve been sitting with: What if I don’t need to feel better right now? What if I just need to feel?

Being in a mood does not bring me—or anyone else—harm.

The people around me won’t hate me because I’m off. They won’t leave me because I’m not smiling today. I’m not going to hurt them just by feeling what I feel. Everyone will live. I just have to ride the wave. And you know how difficult that is as a Black person?

Growing up, we were not taught to just sit in our feelings. I think about my grandpa—a military man, a preacher—telling me, “Nothing comes to a sleeper but a dream.” In other words: you don’t have time to rest, you need to get up and be productive. Or my mom, my aunties, or any elder in my family saying, “Fix your face.” Or “You don’t have a reason to be upset.” Or the classic, “Smile or let the devil win.”

There was no room for just being in a mood. So now, as an adult, I still catch myself looking for a reason to feel the way I do. Because if I can’t name it, then how do I justify it? If I can’t fix it, then am I just wasting time feeling this way? It’s so invalidating.

Not Every Emotion Needs a Solution

Somewhere along the way, we learned that feeling “bad” is bad.

That if we’re not happy, something must be wrong.
That if we’re not productive, we’re wasting time.
That if we’re not “fine,” we need to figure out how to fix it immediately.

Newsflash:::::::

Not all emotions are meant to be solved. Some are just meant to be felt. And this week, I’m just feeling.

Not fixing.
Not forcing.
Not explaining.

Just riding the wave.

Riding the Wave Instead of Fighting It

In therapy, there’s a concept called “riding the wave” that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s the idea that emotions—especially difficult ones—rise, peak, and eventually pass, just like a wave in the ocean.

When we fight our emotions, we make the waves stronger. When we try to ignore them, they push back harder. When we judge ourselves for feeling them, we add an unnecessary layer of suffering.

But if we ride the wave, we acknowledge that the feeling is here, we let it exist, and we trust that it will move on when it’s ready. I’m trying to do that this week.

Instead of fighting how I feel, I’m letting myself just be.
Instead of forcing productivity, I’m allowing rest.
Instead of rushing to feel “better,” I’m recognizing that I don’t need to be “better” to be okay.

If You’re Feeling Off Too, Here’s Your Reminder:

• You don’t need to justify why you’re in a mood.

• You don’t have to rush yourself into being okay.

• You don’t need to explain your feelings for them to be valid.

• You don’t owe happiness to anyone, including yourself.

If you’ve been feeling off lately, let this be your reminder:

You are allowed to ride the wave.

And no matter how high or low it takes you, you’re still you. You’re still whole. You’re still worthy.

Let’s Talk About It

Have you ever caught yourself trying to fix your emotions instead of feeling them?
What does emotional validation look like for you?

Existing at Work Without Losing Yourself: The First-Gen Balancing Act

I don’t think people really understand what it’s like to be first-generation in the workplace.

You’re not just figuring out a job.You’re figuring out an entire system. One that wasn’t built with you in mind. One that no one prepared you for.

It’s more than learning the work itself—it’s navigating unspoken expectations, likability politics, and the constant weight of being “the first.”

And if you’ve ever found yourself mentally exhausted before the day even starts, just from calculating how you need to show up—I see you. Because I’ve been there too.

The Unwritten Rules No One Told Us About

When you’re first-gen, you enter professional spaces without a blueprint. There’s no parent, no older sibling, no mentor who handed you a playbook on how to move.

So you learn as you go.
And in that learning, you start to realize:

Work isn’t just about what you know. It’s about who you know—which is hard when no one taught you how to network.
Confidence isn’t always rewarded. Sometimes, it makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes, they want you to "wait your turn."
You have to manage people’s perception of you. Being too ambitious? Threatening. Too quiet? Unseen. Too assertive? Difficult. It’s a balancing act.

And even when you’re doing everything right, there’s this quiet fear in the back of your mind:

Am I making the right impression? Am I being taken seriously?

It’s exhausting.

The Performance of Professionalism

If you grew up in a household where you had to be the responsible one, then you already know what it means to perform.

You learned how to adjust yourself depending on the situation—how to be likable, how to be easy to work with, how to not make waves.

And that survival skill? It follows you into work.

You code-switch without thinking.
You soften your tone so you don’t come across too harsh.
You double-check emails so you don’t sound too direct.
You downplay your accomplishments so you’re not seen as bragging.

Not because you want to. But because you’ve seen what happens when people don’t.

And at some point, you have to ask yourself:

Am I working this hard to succeed? Or am I working this hard just to be accepted?

Because those are two different things.

The Pressure to “Prove” Ourselves

As first-gen women, we carry an invisible weight.

We weren’t just raised to succeed. We were raised to be exceptional.

And whether we realize it or not, we bring that into the workplace.

We take on extra work without questioning it. We don’t want to be seen as incapable.
We over-prepare for every meeting. We can’t afford to be caught off guard.
We hesitate to ask for help. We’ve always figured things out on our own.

We fear saying no. Because saying no could mean missed opportunities.

But the truth is, this level of over-functioning is not sustainable.

How We Take Up Space—Without Losing Ourselves

I don’t have all the answers. But I do know this:

We are not meant to just survive in these spaces.
We are meant to exist fully in them.
Without shrinking. Without performing. Without exhausting ourselves just to be accepted.

Here’s what I’m learning about how to do that:

1. You Are Not Responsible for Managing Other People’s Comfort

You are not too much. You do not need to shrink.

If someone finds your confidence intimidating, that’s not a sign for you to be smaller. That’s a sign for them to grow.

2. Stop Working for Validation—You Already Belong

Success is not about proving yourself to people who don’t get it.

It’s about aligning yourself with people who do.

You do not have to over-explain, over-justify, or overcompensate. You are already enough.

3. Rest Is Not a Privilege—It’s a Right

You do not have to earn rest by running yourself into the ground.

You do not have to overachieve just to feel safe.

Your worth is not measured by exhaustion.

4. Likability Is a Moving Target—Authenticity Is Not

You cannot control how people feel about you. You cannot control their biases, their opinions, or their perceptions.

What you can control is how you show up for yourself.

And that will always matter more.

This Is Your Reminder: You Are Allowed to Just Be

You are allowed to take up space without apology.
You are allowed to work hard without burning out.
You are allowed to exist in these spaces fully—not just as an employee, but as a person.

And if you ever feel like you don’t belong, let me remind you:

You are not here by accident.
You are not here because someone did you a favor.
You are here because you earned it.

Let’s Talk About It

Have you ever felt the pressure to perform at work just to exist?
How do you remind yourself that you don’t have to prove anything to belong?

The Gap Between Thinking & Doing: How I Move on My Ideas Without Overthinking

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, “How do you have the energy to do all this?”—I’d probably have enough to fund the next big idea that randomly pops into my head at 2 a.m.

I get it, though. On paper, it looks like I’m doing a lot: writing a children’s book, building this blog, planning Healing Spaces (happening June 14th in Hyde Park!), developing a therapy group, working, and growing my brand.

People assume I must have some superhuman motivation, but honestly y’all…I don’t wait for motivation. I just move.

I don’t sit around waiting for the right time or overthink every little detail before I take the first step. If God gave me the idea, I trust that He will give me everything I need to execute it. And if He doesn’t? Then maybe I was just supposed to try, learn something, and pivot. Either way, I don’t sit on it. I do it.

But let me also be clear—this isn’t just some cute personality trait. It’s trauma.

When Your Trauma Trains You to Just “Figure It Out”

I grew up having to be the one who gets it done—the oldest daughter, the responsible one, the one who had to keep it moving no matter what. There was no time to dwell, no space to hesitate. If something needed to be handled, I handled it. And if I didn’t know how? I learned quickly.

For a long time, I thought this was just who I was: someone who takes action, someone who always has a plan. But after a lot (and I mean a lot) of therapy, I’ve realized this is a survival response.

When you grow up experiencing loss, instability, or moments where you had to take care of things before you were ready, you don’t get the luxury of waiting. You learn to move because you have to. That urgency becomes second nature, and suddenly, you’re an adult treating every idea, every goal, every opportunity like it’s life or death.

And while that makes me incredibly productive, it also means I have to be intentional about making sure this isn’t just my nervous system in overdrive. I have to make sure I’m not just chasing the next goal to avoid sitting with stillness.

So, this isn’t me telling you to move recklessly or take on everything at once. It’s about bridging the gap between thinking and doing in a way that’s healthy, intentional, and sustainable.

How I Act on My Ideas (Without Overthinking or Burning Out)

1. I trust that the idea came to me for a reason.

If something keeps pulling at me—whether it’s an event, a book, a new project—I don’t talk myself out of it. I trust that if it landed in my spirit, it’s worth exploring. I don’t need a full plan. I don’t need permission. I just need to start.

A lot of people kill their own dreams before they even get started by talking themselves out of it:

• “What if it doesn’t work?”

• “What if I’m not ready?”

• “What if someone else is already doing it?”

I don’t give myself the time to spiral into those thoughts. Instead, I ask myself, “What’s the smallest first step I can take?” And then I take it.

2. I regulate my nervous system so I’m acting from alignment, not survival mode.

Editor note: Sometimes I say things in this blog and I’m like wow— that’s a deep cut, did I really say that? For a long time, I didn’t realize that my constant need to be productive was just my nervous system trying to keep me safe. When you’ve been in high-stress situations for most of your life, your body gets used to running on fight-or-flight mode.

Now, I make sure I’m not just staying busy to avoid being still. I regulate my nervous system so that I’m acting from clarity and not just survival instincts. Some things that help:

• The Butterfly Hug: A self-soothing technique where you cross your arms over your chest and gently tap each shoulder. It’s great for grounding when I feel overwhelmed. I posted a video of me doing this on the socials, make sure you lock in and follow me :) here for tiktok

• Deep Breathing & Movement: Whether it’s stretching, a walk, or a full workout, I use movement to help regulate my emotions.

• Intentional Rest: When I need a break, I take one. The goal is sustained progress, not burnout.

3. I have built-in balance so my life isn’t just work.

Let me say this loud and clear: I do not believe in hustle culture.

I go hard for my goals, yes, but I also prioritize joy, connection, and rest so I’m not running on fumes.

• I have weekly rituals that keep me grounded. My family and I check in often, and my friends and I have "Wednesday Waffles," which is just a fun tradition that keeps us connected. Family connection is a huge part of my values and I’ve learned that staying connected makes me feel anchored, I encourage you to figure out what are you values and go from there.

• I always have something to look forward to. Whether it’s a trip, a concert, or a new book I’m excited to read, I make sure my life isn’t just about grinding.

• My workouts are non-negotiable. Not for aesthetics (kinda really all for the aesthetics lmaooo), but because I know my body needs movement to feel good.

Success should not come at the cost of your peace. You are a human first.

4. I don’t need to know every step—I just need to take the first one.

Most people never start because they feel like they need a full plan before they take action.

Not me.

If I know the very first thing I need to do, I do it. Maybe that’s writing the first paragraph, sending the first email, or booking the first venue. Once you do one thing, the next thing reveals itself.

The longer you wait, the more reasons you’ll find to not do it.

You Don’t Need More Time—You Need to Start.

A lot of people assume I’m fearless. I’m not. I just refuse to let fear make my decisions for me.

I don’t wait until I “feel ready” because ready is a moving target. I don’t wait for the perfect time because it doesn’t exist.

What I do is trust that I have everything I need to begin.

So if there’s something you’ve been sitting on—an idea, a goal, a move you know you need to make—consider this your push to start.

Even if you’re not sure where it’s going.
Even if you don’t have all the answers.
Even if you’re scared.

Because time will pass either way.
The only question is—will you have something to show for it?

Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt: Choosing Yourself & Creating the Love You Deserve

For too long, we’ve been taught that love is something to endure, something to prove, something to fight for. That if love doesn’t come with struggle, it isn’t real.

We were raised on stories of waiting, suffering, proving… because why did 10 year old me think playing a man in basketball for his heart was romantic?!!!!!!! Women were told to stand by their man no matter what, to hold it down even when it was breaking them, to be patient while someone figured out how to love them correctly.

There’s some decisions being made in my life and I’ve had to remind myself that:

Love does not have to be painful to be real.
You do not have to suffer for love to be worth it.
You are already worthy of the love you desire—without having to earn it through endurance.

This idea that we must struggle first to be worthy of joy later is a lie. And nowhere is that more evident than in how we approach love.

What Is Soft Love?

Soft love is peaceful, intentional, and secure. It doesn’t force you into hyper-independence or codependency—instead, it allows you to simply be.

It is not fragile, but it also doesn’t demand suffering to prove itself.

Soft love looks like:
Consistency. Love that doesn’t have you wondering where you stand.
Emotional safety. Love that allows you to express without fear of judgment or withdrawal.
Reciprocity. Love that flows both ways—not one person doing all the work.
Ease. Love that isn’t riddled with anxiety, confusion, or uncertainty.
Choice. Love that is chosen daily, not forced out of obligation.

Soft love is not about avoiding hard conversations, challenges, or growth—but it’s about doing those things with mutual care and intention, not with suffering and survival mode.

Soft love allows you to exhale instead of holding your breath.

The Myth of Struggle Love

For generations, we’ve been sold the idea that love is something you must struggle for. That a relationship only becomes real once you’ve been “through it” together.

But that’s not love. That’s survival.

“Every couple goes through hard times.” – Yes, but every couple does not have to endure betrayal, inconsistency, emotional unavailability, or neglect just to prove they’re meant to be.

“If you love someone, you’ll fight for them.” – Yes, but love is not a battlefield. If the person you love is making you fight for the bare minimum, that is not love—it’s emotional exhaustion.

“No relationship is perfect.” – Of course not. But a relationship should not be a constant battle for worthiness, security, or stability.

Love should challenge you, but it should not break you.

Soft love does not require pain as proof of commitment.

And yet, we’ve been conditioned to believe that the most “real” love stories come with a painful beginning. That if someone finally treats you right after making you suffer, it makes the love deeper. But does it?

A love story that requires you to lose yourself in the process is not a love story—it’s a tragedy.

What Choosing Soft Love Looks Like

Choosing soft love means rejecting the idea that love must be earned through struggle. It means refusing to prove your worth to someone who should see it without question.

It means knowing that:
You are worthy of love right now—not after you prove your endurance.
You do not have to wait for someone to “get it together” to deserve a healthy relationship.
You are allowed to leave any situation that does not nurture or nourish you.

The love you desire is not too much, too idealistic, or too rare—it exists, and you do not have to suffer to have it.

You Deserve the Fairytale — Without the Suffering

The love you dream of is not unrealistic. The softness, the security, the deep connection you desire—it is real, attainable, and waiting for you.

But to have it, you have to believe you deserve it.

And that starts with:

1. Not settling for love that requires you to fight for basic respect and care.

2. Refusing to mistake struggle for passion.

3. Trusting that love does not have to be chaotic, unpredictable, or hard to be deep and fulfilling.

If you are in a relationship that is beautiful, healthy, and fulfilling—hold onto it. Water it. Choose it every day. But if you are in a space where choosing yourself feels like the harder choice, I want you to remember this:

Love should not feel like survival mode.
You should not have to earn the love that is meant for you.
You are already worthy of softness, peace, and ease in love.

The fairytale you want? It is real. And you don’t have to suffer to have it.

Let’s Reflect Together

Drop a comment or tag me and share:

• What is one way you are choosing softness in love?

• What does real love look like to you?

Because you deserve love that doesn’t ask you to struggle for it first. And it all starts with you.

Stepping Into Softness: The Power of Releasing Struggle

For so long, I believed that to be strong was to endure. That to be worthy, I had to push through, fight for everything, carry weight that wasn’t mine, and prove—over and over again—that I could handle it all.

I learned how to survive before I ever learned how to rest. And when survival is all you’ve ever known, softness can feel like a luxury you don’t have the privilege to afford.

I don’t have to struggle to deserve peace. I don’t have to suffer to prove my worth. I don’t have to earn softness. I was always worthy of it.

And so are you.

Why Softness Feels So Unattainable for Black Women

“The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman.” – Malcolm X

Black women have long been positioned as the backbone of their families, their workplaces, and their communities. We have been conditioned to be strong first, soft later—if ever.

Historically, our strength has been our protection. We had to be strong because our survival depended on it. We had to be resilient because the world was not built with us in mind.

From the labor of our ancestors to the weight of expectation placed on us today, we are often seen as the ones who hold everything together. And if we falter? If we express vulnerability? If we lean into rest, ease, or emotional softness? We risk being labeled as lazy, weak, or incapable.

bell hooks wrote about this in Ain’t I a Woman, describing how Black women have been burdened with strength while being denied the tenderness that should have always been ours.

“Being oppressed means the absence of choices.” – bell hooks

Many of us were never given the choice to be soft. We were told to work twice as hard, to expect half as much, to endure, to push through, to “make a way.” We were taught that self-sacrifice is the highest form of love.

But what if we unlearned that? What if we allowed ourselves the very thing we have been historically denied? What if we chose softness instead of struggle?

Softness is Not Weakness. It is Liberation.

Maya Angelou once said, “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”

Softness does not mean fragility. It does not mean weakness. It does not mean passivity.

Softness is choosing yourself when the world has told you not to.
Softness is allowing joy, rest, and ease to exist in your life without guilt.
Softness is knowing that you are worthy of love without having to perform for it.

I was talking to a client recently about this shift—how when struggle is all we’ve known, it almost feels wrong to let go, to stop fighting, to choose peace. But there is something powerful about allowing yourself to exist without resistance. To move through life with grace instead of gritting your teeth through it.

This is what I’m practicing now.

Softness in how I speak to myself. No more inner monologue that sounds like a drill sergeant.
Softness in how I let love in. No more proving my worth, just accepting that I am already enough.
Softness in how I let go of what no longer fits. No more gripping onto things that don’t hold me back with love.

I am letting softness be my new strength. And I am trusting that life can be good to me without me having to fight it.

Where Can You Choose Softness in Your Life?

If you’ve been carrying struggle like an identity, you don’t have to anymore.

Think about the areas in your life where you’re holding onto resistance—where struggle feels like the only option. If you’re up to it, journal the following prompts:

💭 What would happen if you loosened your grip?
💭 What if you allowed something to be easy?
💭 What if the version of you that is at peace is the version of you that was always meant to be?

Toni Morrison said, “If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down.”

You don’t have to hold everything together to be worthy of rest. You don’t have to prove yourself to be deserving of love. You always have been enough.

Write it down. Say it out loud. Choose softness.

Because you don’t have to earn what you’ve always deserved.

Let’s Reflect Together 🤍

Drop a comment or use tag #ADoseOfSoftness and share:

Where are you choosing ease over struggle this season?

What does softness look like for you?

Let’s talk about it, because we deserve this. All of us.

A Letter to Myself

To the woman I was—thank you.

You didn’t deserve half of what you went through. You shouldn’t have had to carry things that were never meant to be yours. You shouldn’t have had to prove your worth in rooms that never saw you, love people who didn’t know how to love you back, or shrink yourself just to keep the peace.

You shouldn’t have had to survive that.

But somehow, you did.

You woke up every day and faced life even when it felt impossible. You found joy in places where joy barely existed. You loved, even when you weren’t loved properly. You held onto hope, even when life gave you every reason not to.

You thought you had to be strong, that you had to carry it all. That softness was something to earn, not something you were already worthy of. But you didn’t have to fight so hard to be seen, to be loved, to be enough. You always were. You always have been.

I love you for surviving. I love you for never giving up on me. And I wish I could go back and tell you, you are allowed to rest. You are allowed to put it down. You are allowed to just be.

You didn’t have to become hard to make it through. And now? Now you get to be soft.

To the woman I am—keep going.

I don’t want to rush through life so fast that I miss you. I don’t want to be so focused on what’s next that I forget to honor what’s here.

You are standing in moments that younger you would have never believed possible. You are experiencing things she didn’t even know how to pray for. And even though you don’t always see it, even though there are still days filled with doubt, I need you to know—you are becoming someone worth being proud of.

You have given yourself permission to slow down. To trust. To breathe. And I hope you keep doing that. I hope you keep choosing yourself, over and over again, the way past you never knew she could.

You are worthy of a life that feels good to wake up to. You are allowed to move through this season with softness, with joy, with peace.

One day, we will look back on this moment, and I don’t want to remember a woman who was always waiting for the next chapter—I want to remember a woman who was fully present in her own story.

So today, I choose to be here. With you. In this moment. Because I already know—it’s all going to work out.

To the woman I am becoming—I trust you.

I don’t know what life looks like for you yet, but I know you are walking into rooms with confidence I am still learning to build. I know you are resting in a way I am still learning to allow. I know you are standing taller, speaking louder, taking up space without question, without hesitation.

I can’t wait to meet you.

And I promise, I’m doing everything I can to make sure you have everything you need when you get there.

You are going to be so proud of me.

And I already know—I’m so proud of you.

Your Turn: If you haven’t written your letter yet, take a moment. Sit with yourself. Honor your journey. If you feel called, share a piece of it in the comments or tag me with #ADoseOfReflection so we can celebrate our growth together.

Every version of you deserves love. Every version of you is worth celebrating.🤍

Romanticizing Consistency: How to Fall in Love With Your Daily Life

I’ve talked about this with my clients, my girls, and now I’m sharing it with you.

Life as a first-gen trailblazer can feel like a constant balancing act—juggling work, family expectations, personal growth, and just trying to take care of yourself without feeling like you're failing in some area. Consistency can feel hard.

But what if I told you that consistency doesn’t have to feel like a chore? What if, instead of forcing yourself into rigid routines, you learned to flow with your energy and romanticize the process? Because the life you want isn’t built in one big moment—it’s built in the small, intentional choices you make every single day.

And when you learn to fall in love with those moments? Everything shifts.

Why We Struggle With Consistency

A lot of us weren’t taught how to build sustainable habits. Instead, we were taught that consistency means grinding through, even when it doesn’t feel good. But consistency isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up in ways that actually work for you.

Most of us don’t struggle with consistency because we’re lazy. We struggle because we don’t have systems that honor our energy levels, life responsibilities, and mental capacity.

That’s where an energy-focused routine comes in.

Building Energy-Focused Routines: The Key to Long-Term Consistency

Some days, you wake up feeling like you could run a marathon. Other days, you’re just trying to make it through the first hour without shutting down. That’s normal. The key is to build routines that shift with your energy instead of fighting against it.

Here’s how I break mine down:

Bare Minimum Routine (Low Energy Days)

For those days when even getting out of bed feels like a lot:
✔ Brush your teeth, wash your face, and hydrate.
✔ Put on something comfy.
✔ Eat something small—even if it’s just fruit or a smoothie.
✔ Move lightly—stretch in bed if that’s all you have in you.

Goal: Keep yourself afloat without guilt.

Realistic Routine (Average Energy Days)

When you’re feeling okay but not at 100%:
✔ Add in light movement—10-minute walk, stretching, or yoga.
✔ Have a balanced meal.
✔ Do a short journaling or gratitude practice.
✔ Plan out your top 3 priorities for the day.

Goal: Maintain progress without overwhelming yourself.

Ideal Routine (High Energy Days)

When you wake up ready to take on the world:
✔ Full morning routine—movement, journaling, meditation.
✔ Meal-prep or cook something nourishing.
✔ Deep focus on work or creative projects.
✔ Connect with yourself—mirror work, self-reflection, goal check-in.

Goal: Maximize productivity without burnout.

The beauty of this system? It allows you to flow with your energy instead of fighting it.

Romanticizing Consistency in Your Daily Life

Once you’ve built an energy-based routine, the next step is learning to romanticize it. When you enjoy something, you’re naturally more consistent.

Here’s how I make my daily habits feel good:

1. Make Your Routine Feel Like a Ritual

If something feels like a chore, you’ll resist it. Instead, make it something you look forward to:

• Light a candle while journaling.

• Play music while planning your week.

• Make your skincare routine feel like a spa moment.

• Romanticize your morning coffee or tea—sit by the window, sip slow, breathe deep.

It’s not about aesthetics—it’s about making your routines intentional.

2. Create a System That Works for You

I used to struggle with staying consistent—not because I wasn’t trying, but because I didn’t have a system that actually supported me.

That’s why I created my digital planner bundle, which has been a game-changer in keeping me grounded. It includes:
✔ A 2025 Planner for goal-setting, scheduling, and tracking progress.
✔ A Self-Care Planner to ensure I’m prioritizing me, not just work.
✔ Meal Planning & Habit Tracking Tools to make consistency easier.

I needed something that didn’t just dump to-do lists on me but actually made my life flow. And when I started using a planner that worked for me instead of against me? Everything changed.

If you’re looking for a tool to help you stay on track without the overwhelm, you can check it out [insert link]. But whether it’s my planner or something else, having a system is key.

3. Stack Habits With Things You Already Enjoy

If you struggle with remembering to do something, attach it to something you already do:

• Stretch while watching Netflix.

• Listen to a podcast while commuting.

• Do skincare while playing your favorite playlist.

The less friction, the easier consistency becomes.

4. Track Progress in a Way That Feels Good

We don’t give ourselves enough credit. Sometimes, the only way to see your growth is to document it:

• Keep a simple checklist or habit tracker.

• Journal about small wins each week.

• Update your vision board as you hit milestones.

When you start celebrating your progress, consistency stops feeling like work and starts feeling rewarding.

The Challenge: Romanticize Your Routine With Me! (Giveaway Included)

Let’s put this into practice together. This week, I’m challenging all of us to romanticize one part of our routine and make it feel good. Whether it’s your morning coffee, your skincare, your journaling time—whatever it is, I want you to romanticize it and share it.

Here’s how to join:
Pick one daily habit and find a way to make it feel special.
Capture a moment of it—take a photo, a video, or write about it.
Post it on Instagram or TikTok and tag me [@yourhandle] with the hashtag #ADoseOfConsistency so I can see and share!

I’m giving away a FREE digital planner bundle!
I’ll be choosing one person who participates and embodies this challenge to receive my full Ultimate Digital Planner Bundle for free!

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s intention. Let’s build consistency in a way that feels good, together.

The Takeaway: Flexibility, Compassion, and Progress

Building routines that respect your energy and goals isn’t about being rigid. It’s about showing yourself love, even when things feel messy. Some days, you’re riding the wave. Other days, you’re just floating.

Either way, as long as you keep moving forward, you’re winning.

So tell me—what’s one small thing you’re choosing to romanticize this week? And don’t forget to tag me in your posts with #ADoseOfConsistency so I can celebrate your journey!

The Planners are on sale 30% all Black History Month. Purchase here.

Writing a Letter to Yourself: A Tool for Reflection, Self-Love, and Growth

Surprise! I’m adding an extra blog post this week—because as we wrap up the first month of the year, I want us to take a collective pause. A moment to reflect. A moment to acknowledge where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going.

January can feel like a blur—so much pressure to start strong, set goals, and “get it together.” But before we rush ahead, let’s do something different.

This week, I want us to write a letter to ourselves.

Not just any letter—a love letter to the woman you were, the woman you are, and the woman you’re becoming.

Because every version of you deserves to be acknowledged.

Why Writing a Letter to Yourself is So Powerful

We spend so much time focused on what’s next that we rarely pause to honor where we’ve been.

A letter to yourself allows you to:

• Acknowledge your growth. The struggles you’ve overcome, the lessons you’ve learned, the ways you’ve changed.

• Practice self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself, this is a chance to love yourself through every season.

• Set intentions for the future. To remind your future self that she is capable, worthy, and constantly evolving.

It’s a grounding practice—one that can help you see yourself more clearly, with more kindness, and with more hope.

How to Write Your Letter

If this feels unfamiliar, don’t overthink it. Just start.

Grab a journal, your Notes app, or a piece of paper, and write three sections:

1. To the Woman You Were—Give Her Love

Think about your past self. Maybe she was struggling, maybe she was hopeful, maybe she didn’t know how strong she really was.

Write to her like you would a younger sister or a best friend.

• What do you want to thank her for?

• What lessons did she teach you?

• How do you feel about her now that you’re on the other side?

Example: “To the woman I was—I love you. You didn’t always get it right, but you never gave up on me. Thank you for your strength, your resilience, and for believing in a future that you couldn’t yet see.”

2. To the Woman You Are—Tell Her You’re Proud

You are standing in moments that past you dreamed of. Acknowledge that.

• What have you accomplished that your past self never thought possible?

• How are you showing up differently now?

• What do you love about the woman you are today?

Example: “To the woman I am—I’m proud of you. You are setting boundaries, speaking up for yourself, and choosing joy in ways you never have before. You are showing up, even when it’s hard. That matters.”

3. To the Woman You’re Becoming—Get Excited for Her

This is your space to dream. To trust that your future self will be okay because of the choices you’re making now.

• What are you manifesting for her?

• What do you want her to remember?

• What kind of energy do you want her to move with?

Example: “To the woman I will be—I can’t wait to meet you. You are confident, abundant, and full of ease. You trust yourself fully. I am doing my best to set you up for everything you deserve.”

The Challenge: Write Your Letter & Reflect This Week

This isn’t just a journaling exercise—it’s a moment to connect with yourself in a deeper way.

Here’s how to join the challenge:
Write your letter. It can be as short or as long as you want—just be honest with yourself.
Take a moment to reflect. Read it out loud, sit with it, feel what comes up.
If you feel called, share a part of your letter on social media and tag me [@yourhandle] with the hashtag #ADoseOfReflection. You can also share in the comments!

I’ll be choosing one person who participates and embodies this challenge to receive my full Ultimate Digital Planner Bundle for free!

You’re not alone in this, later this week, I’ll be sharing my own letter. But for now, this is your time. Your space. Your moment to honor yourself.

Because the woman you were, the woman you are, and the woman you’re becoming? She deserves to be seen. She deserves to be loved.

So take a breath. Pick up your pen. And write to her. I can’t wait to see what comes up for you.

Why This Matters Right Now

As we step out of the first month of the year, this is the perfect time to reflect—not with pressure, but with love.

Too often, we only check in on ourselves when we feel behind. But growth isn’t just about what’s next. It’s about pausing to honor how far you’ve already come.

So whether this month went exactly as planned or felt like a blur, this practice is for you. To ground yourself. To love yourself. To realign with what matters.

Because no matter where you are in your journey, every version of you is worth celebrating.

Aligning With Your Highest Self: Meeting Her, Becoming Her, and Using Free Will to Get There

Aligning With Your Highest Self: Meeting Her, Becoming Her, and Using Free Will to Get There

This week, I felt grounded. Not because life wasn’t throwing punches—it absolutely was—but because I made the choice to stay present. I chose to show up for myself.

My highest self always shows up for herself. She’s intentional, kind, and grounded—even when things don’t go as planned. She’s not perfect, but she’s consistent. And that’s what matters most.

Take this week’s CorePower class as an example. I signed off work late and got to class five minutes past the cutoff. They wouldn’t let me in. Old me might’ve spiraled—angry at myself for being late, frustrated with them for not letting me in, and carrying that irritation for the rest of the night. But this time? I shrugged it off. “Fair enough,” I told myself. I made a mental note to log off earlier next time and focused on being more punctual.

That moment could’ve easily pulled me out of alignment. But instead, I used my free will to choose grace over frustration. And that small choice felt like a win—a reminder of the power we all have to meet and align with our highest selves.

Who Is Your Highest Self?

Your highest self isn’t some distant version of you you’ll meet someday when you “have it all together.” She’s already within you. She’s the version of you that:

• Moves with purpose and grace, even when life feels chaotic.

• Speaks to herself with kindness and patience.

• Chooses to align her actions with her values and goals.

• Prioritizes self-love and boundaries unapologetically.

• Honors her needs, even when it’s inconvenient. Clock that one!

Your highest self isn’t about being flawless or unbothered. She’s about showing up, being intentional, and making choices that reflect who you’re becoming.

What Does It Look Like to Meet Her?

Meeting your highest self starts with reflection. It’s about slowing down and asking:

• Who do I want to be?

• How does my highest self think, act, and respond to challenges?

• What kind of energy does she bring into the world?

This week, I’ve been meeting my highest self happens through mirror work. It’s a practice I’ve incorporated into my routine and even introduced to my clients with incredible results.

Mirror work is about spending intentional time with yourself—not to critique, but to see yourself. To acknowledge, appreciate, and connect with the person staring back at you.

How I Practice Mirror Work

When I sit in front of the mirror, I start with stillness. I let myself just be for 2, 5, 10+ minutes, taking in my reflection without judgment. I notice the details—my eyes, my expressions, the way I feel in the moment.

Then, I start speaking to myself. I give myself gratitude for the ways I’ve shown up. I hype myself up, offering words of encouragement and kindness. I remind myself of my worth and my progress.

To guide my reflection, I use prompts like:

• “What does my highest self need from me today?”

• “What am I proud of myself for right now?”

• “How can I show up for myself in this moment?”

Here are some prompts to guide your own mirror work practice:

1. Gratitude Prompts:

   • “What can I thank my body for today?”

   • “What has my mind or spirit done for me recently that deserves appreciation?”

2. Self-Compassion Prompts:

   • “What do I need to forgive myself for?”

   • “What would I say to a friend feeling how I feel? How can I say that to myself?”

3. Affirmation Prompts:

   • “What do I love about myself?”

   • “What makes me unique and beautiful?”

4. Future Self Prompts:

   • “How does my highest self handle challenges like the ones I’m facing?”

   • “What steps can I take today to get closer to her?”

5. Encouragement Prompts:

   • “What do I need to hear from myself right now?”

   • “How can I remind myself that I’m doing my best?”

Becoming Her: One Choice at a Time

Becoming your highest self isn’t about dramatic transformations. It’s about small, intentional choices, moment by moment.

Here’s what becoming her might look like:

• Choosing Presence Over Perfection: Staying where your feet are instead of spiraling into worry about the past or future.

• Practicing Self-Kindness: Encouraging yourself instead of criticizing when things go wrong.

• Aligning Your Actions With Your Values: Saying yes to what matters and no to what doesn’t.

• Investing in What She Loves: Doing the things that light her up, whether it’s journaling, moving her body, or taking time to rest.

The Role of Free Will in Alignment

Free will is our greatest tool. It’s what allows us to choose, over and over again, to show up as our highest selves—even when it’s hard.

• You can choose to pause instead of react.

• You can choose to speak kindly to yourself instead of harshly.

• You can choose alignment, even in the middle of chaos.

It’s not about perfection. It’s about progress.

Practical Steps to Align With Your Highest Self

1. Mirror Work:
   Spend time with yourself in the mirror. Sit in stillness, meet your own eyes, and let yourself be seen. Then, use prompts to guide your reflection and connect with your highest self.

2. Set Daily Intentions:
   Start your day by asking: “How can I align with my highest self today?” Write it down or say it out loud to keep it top of mind.

3. Check In With Yourself:
   Throughout the day, pause and ask: “Am I acting in alignment with my highest self right now?” If not, gently guide yourself back.

4. Celebrate Small Wins:
   Every time you make a choice that aligns with her—no matter how small—celebrate it.

5. Reconnect When You Fall Off:
   You won’t always stay aligned, and that’s okay. When you feel off, pause, reflect, and choose alignment again.

You Have the Power to Choose Her

Your highest self is already within you. She’s not waiting for you to become perfect or have it all figured out. She’s waiting for you to choose her—to see her, to listen to her, and to move with intention.

So the next time life feels heavy, pause. Find a mirror. Meet your own eyes. And ask: What does my highest self need from me right now? Then choose her.

Because she’s there, rooting for you, ready to guide you toward the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be. And when you choose her? It changes everything.

Dear Ken… Is he holding me back?

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Letter

Subject: Is he holding me back?

Message: Hi Ken,

I'm nervous writing in because I'm ashamed of what I’ve accepted and confused about what to do please keep me anonymous. I am a 26(F) and have been dating and living with a 29(M) for 2 years. I met him at 22, but we were off and on for a year. We made it official about 2 years ago and moved in 3 months later (I know, I know).I work in corporate tech and am considering going back to school for PM, which is what I’m writing in about. My boyfriend does not have a college degree and recently graduated from the police academy. He went to school for a couple of years but didn’t finish. He has negative views of college and talks about it being a waste because “we get debt for a piece of paper.” I don’t feel that way and want to continue advancing my degree especially with the times we’re living in.

Before he joined the police force, he was working at Amazon and had some part-time jobs. He paid the bills but didn’t have a lot of money, which didn’t bother me since we were young we made it work. I encouraged him and motivated him to join the force.Now I’m trying to go back to school. I’ll take out loans, and my job will help with tuition, but he’s not supportive. In a recent conversation, he said that if I go back, he will break up with me. When I talked to him about it, he said he was joking, but I don’t think so since he’s been saying stuff like this often. He says it will take time away from him and that I should be satisfied with where I am now.

A huge part of me wants to run because I know it’s not okay for him to say that, but I value marriage and want to be a wife. My family is looking at me like I should be a wife to him too. I’m the first in my family to get a degree, so they think I’ve already reached my success.I just need to know what should I do? Or, I know you can’t give me advice, so what would you do? Do I put the career stuff to the side and focus on my relationship, maybe get some certifications? Or do I go back to school because he says he won’t break up with me?

To be honest, I’m okay if you drag me for filth as long as I’m anonymous. I just need someone to tell me the truth and what I need to hear. I don’t want to run this through my friends because I’m so embarrassed.

Sorry this is so long.

Response

Leave Him. The fact that you’re questioning what’s best for you tells me that deep down, you already know the answer. You just need someone to say it out loud.

Leave him.

Point blank, sis. Anyone—whether it’s a boyfriend, a friend, or even family—who wants you to stay stagnant, dim your light, or put their insecurities ahead of your growth is not someone you need in your corner. A boyfriend worth building a life with wouldn’t see your dreams as a threat to his. He wouldn’t joke about breaking up with you or tell you to be satisfied with “enough.” A husband—a real partner—would either support your goals outright or work with you to figure out a plan to make them happen together. This man is doing neither. Leave him.

You mentioned your family think you’ve “already reached your peak” because you’re the first in your family to get a degree. I know that pressure hits deep, especially for first-gen people. But you don’t owe anyone a version of yourself that makes them more comfortable. That’s their opinion— don’t make it your reality. You are you—a woman with ambition, vision, and drive. That doesn’t stop just because others are satisfied. You didn’t work this hard to stop now.

And let’s talk about his comments on college being a “waste.” Look, the times we’re living in are hard, and degrees do matter. It’s not just a piece of paper—it’s access. It’s mobility. It’s options. Don’t let someone’s bitterness or fear of being left behind convince you otherwise. If you’ve got the opportunity to go back to school, especially with your job helping out, take it. That degree will open doors for you that he might not even see because he’s too busy trying to block them.

Leave him.The bigger issue here isn’t just the degree; it’s his mindset. When a man shows you who he is, believe him the first time. The jokes about breaking up aren’t just jokes—they’re manipulation wrapped in humor. The idea that you should be “satisfied” with where you are? That’s a red flag waving high. He’s not worried about the time you’ll spend in class; he’s worried that you’ll grow in ways that he won’t. He’s scared of being left behind, and instead of doing the work to grow with you, he’s trying to hold you back.

This is a dilemma women face way too often. Society teaches us to prioritize relationships and sacrifice for love, while men are told to focus on their careers and get their life together before even thinking about marriage. Sis, we need to take a page from their book. Build your life. Invest in yourself. Put yourself first, because when you do find a partner who’s worthy of you, they’ll be ready to meet you at your level—not drag you down to theirs. Leave him.

Because I’ve lived it I know you can love someone deeply and still choose yourself. I spent my 20s growing in a relationship, and let me tell you—prioritizing my dreams, even with a ring on my finger, changed everything. No partner, no matter how much you love them, should stop you from chasing what’s yours. People can wake up one day and decide to live differently in a way that no longer aligns with you. Trust me. That’s why it’s so important to build your life around you and not what anyone else thinks, says, or does.

I am beyond grateful that I stayed the course, no matter what my partner was doing. He knew better than to try to stop my dreams, because nothing about me gave him permission to think I’d settle for less. And that’s what I want for you—that confidence. That knowing. That “I’m that girl, and you’re not going to talk me out of it” energy.

Check in with yourself. With your spirit. Look in the mirror and remind yourself of who you are and where you’re going. Your journey is yours. Your identity is not tied to marriage or being a wife. It’s not even tied to your career—it’s tied to the woman you’re becoming. And that woman? She’s not about to let anyone hold her back, especially someone who doesn’t see her worth.

Ask yourself: How do you want your future husband to treat you? How do you want him to joke with you? Something tells me this ain’t it. The man for you will never make you feel small. He won’t “joke” about breaking up with you or tell you to be satisfied with less. He’ll be the one cheering you on when you’re tired, reminding you why you started in the first place, and building with you—not against you. And truthfully, you’re putting a husband dilemma on a guy who is just your boyfriend.

This man you’re with now? He’s harmful, sis. His words, his attitude, his energy—it’s all weighing you down. And you don’t deserve that. Move around. Choose yourself, your goals, your dreams, and the life you want to create. The right partner will respect you for it.

You are that girl—and if you need to hear it again, go up to that mirror. Look at yourself and tell yourself your journey is yours. You will reach your goals and won’t be around anyone who wants you to think small. Let him go. Pack his negativity, insecurity, and jokes up in a box, and leave them at the curb where they belong.

You’ve got work to do, dreams to chase, and a life to live—and it’s time to get started.

With love and all the confidence in the world,
Ken

Quick Rant & A Hug for the 92%

This ain't no safe space, and I’m not here to sugarcoat anything.

Sometimes we just need to let it out— I used this space for that. I’m not asking you to excuse me for my raw thoughts, I’m warning you before moving forward. I’m allowed to be angry.

To the 92% of Black women who casted their votes for Kamala Harris, I see you. I feel you. And I stand with you.

Today, I’m pissed.
I’m pissed because rights to our bodies are being snatched away, and it feels like the government doesn’t care if we suffocate under the weight of it. I’m pissed because a convicted felon sits in office while I know real felons who can’t even get a call back at Wendy’s. How the actual hell does that make sense? They throw us into the system, break us down, and then deny us opportunities like it’s some sick joke. Meanwhile, they make decisions for us like we’re invisible. It’s a damn shit show, and I’m over it.

I’m pissed because this man plans to start deportations here in Chicago, and yeah, it hits home. We’re all just trying to survive in a place where we’re treated like outsiders in our own damn country… I mean, I AINT ASK TO BE BROUGHT HERE…... It’s an attack on every Brown and Black body out here. It’s not a “policy,” it’s a declaration that we don’t matter.

And you know what else? I’m pissed because the same people I went to school with, people I’ve grown to love and care for, are out here okay with voting for Trump—or not voting at all. O my Lord— Chicago Public School really failed us because, really? This isn’t just about your beliefs; it’s about the lives of your own people. Your business won’t flourish. Your kids won’t be okay. Your future won’t be okay. This system doesn’t just hurt “them”—it hurts us all. And if you’re too comfortable to see that, then you're part of the problem. This is your world too.

I’ve had enough of being the punching bag of a system that doesn’t give a damn about me.

The work is in the resistance.
I’ve been doing the work all along, and it’s not just about pushing for change in ways that get recognized. It’s about the refusal to accept the way this world treats us. The work is in showing up, even when we’re tired. It’s in fighting back with our voices, our actions, and our energy. But right now? I’m tired. I’m taking it slow today because I’ve been pushing, and honestly, I’m out of steam. I’ve been giving everything I have, but I don’t know if I’ve got more to give right now. And you know what? That’s okay.

The work isn’t just in the fight; it’s in the moments when we allow ourselves to feel everything we’re going through. We don’t have to be “on” every second. We don’t always have to be “strong” or “resilient.” Sometimes, it’s okay to just be human. To feel the weight of everything and admit that it’s a lot. Today, I’m sitting with the anger, hurt, and frustration. But even in the middle of it all, I’ve got a little sprinkle of resilience because, as a Black woman, I will be okay. But that doesn’t mean I’m not tired.

So today, I’m giving myself permission to feel every bit of this moment. I’m not going to hide it. I’m not going to shove it down and pretend like everything is fine when it’s not. This system has been failing us, and I won’t sit here and act like we owe it anything.

For the 92% of Black women who voted for Kamala Harris—we’ve done the work. We didn’t do it for praise. We didn’t do it because we thought we’d get anything in return. We did it because we have to, we’re forced to. We show up, because we know that no one else will. But it’s not enough to just show up anymore. The work is in the resistance. The resistance is in knowing that we deserve more. We’ve earned more. And we’re not settling for anything less.

So if you’re feeling that exhaustion, that defeat, that anger—I’m right there with you. Today, take the time you need. The fight is always going to be there. We’ve earned the space to rest, to feel, and to stand firm in what’s ours.

F that man.

What Happens in This House Can Be Addressed Outside the House: Addressing Intergenerational Trauma, Racial Trauma, and How We Protect Our Kids

Hey, y’all. This is tough. But we gotta talk.

If you’ve heard about the case of Na'Ziyah Harris, you already know it’s one of the most disturbing things you’ll ever come across. A young girl, abused by someone who should have been protecting her—an adult who was in her life, who manipulated, controlled, and violated her. But it’s more than just a story about one girl. This is about the systems of silence, neglect, and trauma that let these things happen. It's about how we, as a community, need to do better for our kids. This isn’t just happening in one place—this is happening everywhere, and we can’t keep letting it slide under the rug.

Intergenerational Trauma: The Cycle We Have to Break

Intergenerational trauma gets passed down from generation to generation. Emotional neglect, survival-based coping, and even things like not addressing mental health—it all gets handed down, and if we don’t deal with it, it just keeps repeating. A lot of us grew up in households where the goal was just to survive, not to heal. Mental health wasn’t something that was prioritized, and abuse or neglect was sometimes ignored, or even worse, normalized.

And then there’s racial trauma. If you’re a person of color, you know exactly what I mean. The racism, the discrimination—it’s ingrained in everything we do. From how we get treated in the workplace to how our kids are treated in schools. But it doesn’t just affect our day-to-day lives—it affects our mental health too. And when we don’t address it, it’s another layer of pain that gets passed down. The way we cope with it, the way we keep things in the family, the way we avoid dealing with the hard conversations—it all has an impact.

This kind of trauma creates an environment where, in some families, silence is used as a way to “protect” the family from the outside world. But that protection? It comes at a cost. We need to find a way to hold space for those tough conversations, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, so we can protect the children we care about. We can’t keep pretending that everything is fine or sweeping things under the rug. Our kids are watching. They’re learning from us. And if we don’t change the way we handle our trauma, it’s going to show up in their lives too. We need to start healing, not just surviving.

I’m proud of the way our generation is progressing but I’ve seen some takes on TikTok that are PISSING me off— many people are just carrying the torch of trauma— how are y’all so comfortable calling this girl “fast”??????

Stop Calling Black Girls Fast

It gets me heated the way we label Black girls as “fast.” This is something that has to stop. It’s disgusting, and it’s harmful. Calling a young girl “fast” when she shows curiosity about her body or relationships doesn’t just shame her—it removes blame from the person who actually did the harm. It makes the child responsible for the abuse, not the predator.

We need to stop shaming girls and boys for exploring their bodies. That’s not “fast.” That’s normal curiosity. We should be empowering our kids to understand their bodies, not punishing them for asking questions. Demonizing sexual curiosity is a recipe for shame—and shame is the perfect breeding ground for secrecy, manipulation, and silence. If we continue to shame our kids for their natural curiosity, we’re only setting them up to hide things from us. And that makes them more vulnerable to people who will manipulate and abuse them.

Creating space for kids to ask questions about their bodies and sex isn’t about encouraging them to go out there and start having sex. It’s preventive. It’s about creating an environment where they feel safe to talk to you about what’s going on in their lives, what they’re curious about, and what they might be confused by. It gives them a healthy understanding of their bodies, which can protect them from predators who prey on confusion and silence.

If we don’t create that space for them to talk to us, someone else will fill that gap and it’s probably not going to be a good person. We can’t afford to let them be manipulated into thinking they can’t ask us questions. Being open and available for those tough conversations is one of the best ways we can protect our kids.

The Aunt, the Relationships, and Staying With Abuse

Now, let’s talk about the aunt in this case. The fact that she stayed with a man who was clearly dangerous—who had a history of abusing children—blows my mind. And it’s not just her. This happens all too often, where women stay with men who harm children, either because they’re emotionally invested or because they’re trying to keep a relationship going.

This is the thing that frustrates me the most: How many times do we allow harmful men to stay in our lives and around our kids because we feel like we need them? Because we’re scared of being alone or being judged for being single? We’ve got to break that cycle. We need to stop prioritizing relationships with toxic men over the safety of our children.

We also need to stop pretending that our relationships don’t affect the kids around us. If we’re bringing people into our lives who are harmful, we have to own up to that. Staying in toxic relationships only teaches our kids that it’s okay to tolerate abuse and manipulation. We can’t keep making excuses for people who hurt us or our families.

Protecting the Kids in Our Lives

If you have kids in your life—whether they’re your own or someone else’s—be present. Spend time with them. Get to know their world. Don’t just ask them how school is going—ask them how they’re feeling, what’s going on with their friends, if anything feels off. We need to be checking in with them regularly, not just when something goes wrong. It’s about building that trust so they feel safe enough to come to us when they need help.

I spend a lot of time with the children in my personal life. I listen to them talk about life, about school, about everything. I want them to know they’re loved and that they can come to me with anything. Kids need to know that. They need to know they’re supported. And most importantly, they need to know they can trust the adults in their lives to keep them safe.

What happens in this house doesn’t have to stay here. It’s time to break the silence, to talk about the tough stuff, and to protect the kids in our communities. We can’t afford to keep pretending everything’s fine when we know it’s not. We need to heal, we need to protect, and we need to create spaces where our children feel safe to ask questions. They deserve that, and so much more.

Taking Care of Yourself After This

I know this post might stir up some emotions, and if it does, take a moment to check in with yourself. You don’t have to do much—sometimes, the simplest things can help ground you.

Here’s something you can try if you’re feeling overwhelmed: Take three slow, deep breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and then exhale for a count of four. Focus on your breath, and allow yourself to settle back into your body. It’s a simple way to calm your nervous system when it’s feeling activated.

If that’s not enough, just know that it’s okay to step away. Take a break. Go for a walk, or drink some water. Do something small that feels good for you in this moment. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t need to fix everything at once.

Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to give yourself permission to rest.

This wasn’t one of those posts where I could drop a bunch of resources or solutions. Sometimes, I just need to vent, to get the raw thoughts out—because this hits hard, and is way to common. But I also know that if you’re reading this and it’s resonating with you, maybe you need to hear something else or need support to navigate your own experiences.

So, if you’re looking for help, or if this conversation is sparking something in you, here are a few resources that might be useful:

• Therapy for Black Girls Directory – Find a Therapist [Here]

• Engaging with Kids – Resources on how to engage with the kids in your life and start having those tough, real conversations. [Resources for Parents]; [Information on Grooming]; [Difficult Conversations]

• Sexual Assault Resources – If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, there are people who can help. Here are some sexual assault resources and hotlines that can provide support to individuals who may be experiencing sexual violence or need guidance:

  1. National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN)

  • Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

  • Text: Text "STEALTH" to 741741 for crisis support.

  • Website: RAINN.org

  • What They Offer: Anti-sexual violence organization in the U.S. Confidential hotline available 24/7, support for survivors, and resources for finding local support services.

  2. National Domestic Violence Hotline

  • Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

  • Website: The Hotline

  • What They Offer: Provides support for individuals experiencing domestic violence, including sexual assault. Available 24/7 and offer confidential counseling, safety planning, and referrals.

  3. National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC)

  • Website: NCVC.org

  • What They Offer: Offers resources, including guides on how to support survivors of sexual assault, and a directory of resources and hotlines.

  4. 1in6 (For male survivors)

  • Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

  • Website: 1in6.org

  • What They Offer: Provides support for male survivors of sexual violence, offering online support groups and resources to help with recovery.

  5. VictimConnect

  • Phone: 1-855-484-2846

  • Website: VictimConnect

  • What They Offer: A helpline for survivors of crime, offering confidential information, resources, and referrals for victims of sexual violence.

  6. The Joyful Heart Foundation

  • Website: Joyful Heart Foundation

  • What They Offer: Provides resources and support for survivors of sexual assault and advocates for systemic change in the criminal justice system.

But, more than anything, I hope you know you’re not alone. Keep the conversation going—whether here in the comments or in your own communities. Let’s keep breaking the silence, togethe

Dear Ken… Should I let her go?

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Letter

Subject: Should I let her go?

Message: I was talking about what I’m writing you for with my sister she told me about your blog and told me to write in here I just wanted to let you know so you know you have men who read and enjoy this. Ite so my name Mak and I’m 29 I live in Chicago. I started talking to someone in the summer, before that I hadn’t dated anyone since early 2023 because I didn’t like how I was showing up for the women in my life so I took a step back, got in therapy, put a lot of work into my career, and health. I’m now in a comfortable spot I’m an engineer and feel like things are going well to the point that even my therapist brought up dating. So I get back on the apps and started meeting people. I met this girl and we went on a date and it was decent we started spending more time together and feelings are growing. She’s decent as hell and I can see myself locking it down. We started getting more serious before the holidays and met each other families. She had relationships in the past where the niggas cheated on her or did goofy shit and I’m paying for that. She goes through my phone which I don’t really care too much about it’s the fact that she’s going through it looking for things that aren’t there. I deleted the apps probably in september when we started going out more so of course they aren’t on my phone she went to the App Store and seen they weee previously on my phone and had an attitude I was so confused because …. We met on the apps so you know they used to be on my phone??? I went to DePaul and have a lot of friends from there some who are girls and strictly platonic and she’ll have problems when they are around or reach out to me, I’m not really cool with getting rid of my college friendships since nothing about them are inappropriate. My issue is I’ve spent a lot of time and money in therapy and growing that sometimes this feels like even though I really like this girl she may not be a healthy choice for me. How do I tell her she should get in therapy and I’m serious about it without sounding controlling or brewfurd? It ain’t fair what her past did to her she wasn’t supposed to have people to treat her like that but I don’t feel like I should be punished for things they did. And it can be triggering because I had experiences where I wasn’t the best man for a woman and have cheated or played games in the past I can sometimes feel guilty and want to fix everything that I didn’t break I guess to clear my conscience. I want to see this work because she has so many qualities I like and I have never felt the way I feel about any woman with her I don’t want us to be unhealthy for each other. Thank you

Response

Hey Mack,

Ahhh, the blog has reached the men. Welcome! You’re doing a lot of important work, both in reflecting on your own past and trying to figure out how to build something healthy with her. I really respect that you're considering how your past guilt impacts your current relationship, and you’re asking the right questions. Guilt is a tricky thing, especially when it comes from past wrongdoings like cheating or playing games. You might feel like you owe it to your partner to make up for past mistakes, but you can’t fix everything you didn’t break. Guilt can sometimes lead to overcompensating, being overly cautious, or constantly feeling like you're walking on eggshells to "make things right." And while that’s well-intentioned, it’s not the healthiest way to go about it, and it can sometimes cause more harm than good.

Now, when it comes to your partner’s past and how her trauma might be showing up in your relationship, I want to dive a bit deeper. It sounds like she’s had some significant hurt from past relationships, especially from infidelity and emotional betrayal. And what you’re noticing now—the hypervigilance, the checking your phone, the insecurity around your friendships—is very much a symptom of how trauma, especially from cheating, can affect someone on a deep level.

Here’s some psychoeducation on why this happens: Infidelity, or any betrayal in a relationship, can have effects that are remarkably similar to PTSD. When someone experiences cheating, their trust is broken in a way that goes beyond just a “normal” betrayal. It affects the brain’s stress responses, much like trauma does, and triggers something called hypervigilance. This is when someone is constantly on edge, anticipating danger or harm—even when there’s no immediate threat. They may become extra sensitive to things that might seem harmless to others, like your platonic friendships or past dating apps on your phone. Their brain is constantly scanning for “evidence” that the betrayal might happen again, so they react strongly even if they’re not consciously aware of why.

That hypervigilance can show up as intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and a general sense of being unsafe in relationships. It's like their nervous system is always in "fight or flight" mode, which is exhausting for both the person carrying the trauma and the partner. So when you see her going through your phone, or becoming upset about things that seem minor to you, it’s not necessarily about you—it’s about the fear and insecurity that come from unresolved pain in her past.

That said, before jumping into a serious relationship, especially when someone has past trauma, both partners need to do the work to process that baggage. If you were to continue without addressing these unresolved issues, it’s like trying to drive a car with the parking brake on. It’s not going to go anywhere smoothly. Your baggage and hers needs to be dealt with in a way that doesn’t derail the relationship, and therapy is a great way to start that process.

I’m not saying call things off, no one is free from baggage—not you, not her, not me, not anyone. But with the right support and effort, we can manage it and not let it control us. It’s like we’re all carrying a backpack full of emotional stuff—some people’s backpacks are heavier than others. What’s important is how we deal with that weight. You can’t just throw your backpack on the floor and ignore it, but with the right tools (therapy, support, self-reflection), you can put that baggage in the car and still make it to your destination—together. You’re not expected to carry the whole thing for her, but you can help her unpack it if she’s willing to work on it.

So when you talk to her about therapy, it’s important to approach the conversation gently, using "I" statements and soft start-ups to keep things calm and open. You can say something like, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how we can make this work, and I really want to be a good partner to you. I know your past relationships have hurt you, and I respect how hard that must be to carry. I also want to make sure we’re both in a place where we can build something healthy, so I think it could be helpful for both of us to continue working on our own healing. I’ve been in therapy to grow and be the best version of myself, and I really believe it’s something that could support you too, in processing everything that’s come up for you.”

This way, you’re showing empathy while also making it clear that you believe therapy could be a step forward for both of you, not just her. You’re coming from a place of care, but also from a place of self-respect. You’re not taking on her emotional load, but you’re offering support in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re trying to control her.

The most important thing is that you're giving her the space to do the work that’s necessary, without feeling like it’s being forced on her. You can even use humor to lighten the mood. A little humor goes a long way in these tough conversations, but the point still stands: you want to be moving forward together, not carrying unnecessary emotional weight that holds you both back.

Ultimately, Mack, it’s about doing the work—not just for her, but for you too. If you’re still carrying guilt from past relationships, it’s important to process that, so it doesn’t cloud your present. You can’t fix what you’ve done in the past, but you can be a better version of yourself today. And that’s what matters.

Relationships are hard, but they don’t have to be painful or toxic. With the right work and communication, you can build something strong. But if that work isn’t happening—on both sides—it’s time to reconsider whether it’s the right relationship for you.

You’ve got this, Mack. Keep doing the work and keep being real with yourself. That’s how you build something that lasts.

I’m rooting for you!
Ken

More Than Just Hair: Embracing Vanity as Acts of Self-Love

Yesterday, I sat in Teresa’s chair at Coleman Hair Company, and let me tell you… this middle-part bustdown is bussdowning with layers so cute and fluffy, you couldn’t tell me I’m not Kash Doll Jr. Baby, I am her. That moment when she turned me to the mirror? I felt renewed, like the best version of myself was staring back.

Walking out of the salon, swinging my hair like it had its own agenda, it wasn’t just about how good I looked. It was about how I felt. My mood was lifted, my confidence restored, and I felt aligned with myself again. For Black women, hair isn’t just hair. It’s deeply tied to identity, culture, and our emotional well-being. And while this connection has roots in systemic oppression, choosing to care for ourselves in the way we want is an act of liberation and you cannot make me feel bad about that.

Hair Depression Is Real

We don’t talk about it enough, but hair depression is real. It’s that in-between space when you’re over your wash-n-go, stuck wearing the same bun for weeks, or can’t afford the bundles or braids you want right now. It’s not just being annoyed with your hair—it’s about feeling out of sync with yourself.

I recently vlogged my hair appointment, and while getting my hair done isn’t the only thing that helps me out of the funk, it’s a big part of the process. Sitting in the chair, being cared for, and walking out feeling brand new reminds me how important it is to prioritize myself. It’s not just about the final look—it’s about the energy shift that happens when I take time to love on myself.

If you’re visually nosey like me- check out my TikTok: “Come Cure Hair Depression With Me”—it’s all about the process, the ambiance, and, of course, the glow-up.

TikTok: Hair Vlog

When your hair isn’t done, it’s harder to feel confident or motivated. That disconnect can spill into everything; your mood, your energy, even how you show up for the day. And while we may laugh about it, hair depression deserves to be taken seriously. It’s a reflection of how closely our emotional well-being is tied to how we care for ourselves.

When I prioritize my hair care, I’m doing more than fixing a style. I’m pouring into myself. I’m reminding myself that I’m worth the effort. That small act of care (whether it’s sitting in the shop or doing my hair at home) can completely shift my mood.

The Salon as a Sacred Space

For so many Black women, the shop has historically been one of the few safe spaces we have. It’s where we connect, decompress, and recharge. But these spaces are becoming harder to find, especially those that are welcoming, affirming, and truly safe. Too often, getting our hair done feels more like a chore than an act of care. Overbooked stylists, long waits, and the scarcity of Black-owned salons in some areas make it harder to enjoy the experience. This mirrors a broader issue: the erosion of community spaces for Black people. Rebuilding and maintaining these spaces, whether they’re salons, churches, or even online communities, is a form of resistance.

When you finally find that space where you’re cared for, respected, and not rushed it’s magic.

The Narratives We Carry

Something I’ve noticed, especially when I wear my natural hair, is how quick people are to project their narratives onto me “Your hair is so nice. Why don’t you wear it out more? You should wear it like that all the time!” And while I know it’s meant as a compliment, it’s frustrating.

Thank you… I know my hair is nice. I love it. But just because I choose to wear protective styles doesn’t mean I hate myself or my hair. There’s this narrative that if you straighten your hair or wear weaves you’re rejecting your Blackness. It’s kind of outdated and oppressive at our big age. Yes, I am not my hair (thank you, India Arie) but let’s not dismiss the fact that how I care for myself is deeply tied to how I feel. Choosing to pour into myself, whether through a fro, a fresh set of braids, or some bomb bundles, is a radical act of self-love.

My hair care choices are about me and what works for my life, my time, and my energy. I’m not rejecting my identity; I’m embracing the freedom to express myself however I want. I totally understand the origin of that narrative but for many people that isn’t their story.

The act of choosing how we present ourselves—our hair, our clothes, our vibe—is an act of reclaiming autonomy. For Black women, this is particularly powerful because society has long dictated how we “should” look to be acceptable, professional, or attractive. As a first-gen woman, I grew up understanding that how you’re perceived matters. My mom, who rocked locs and was basically ready to fight a revolution at any moment, told me to make sure I was “put together.” I was taught to prioritize how I am perceived because success depends on it.

It’s an unfair reality. We shouldn’t have to overcompensate or prove ourselves through how we look. But the truth is, how we present ourselves does impact how we’re treated. Instead of letting that reality define me, I’ve decided to reclaim it. I define my identity, not anyone else. This choice is not just about aesthetics; it’s about rejecting the oppressive beauty standards that have policed Black hair for centuries. It’s about saying, I am enough exactly as I am—and I deserve to feel good about myself.

When I look good, I feel good. I’m not dressing or styling my hair for anyone else’s standards; I’m doing it for me. It’s about aligning how I feel on the inside with how I show up on the outside.

Vanity can be Liberating

If we internalize the narrative that we’re “too vain” for caring about our looks or that wearing weave means we’re ashamed of our Blackness, we’re limiting ourselves.

I’m here to rewrite that story. My hair, whether in a bun, box braids, or a weave, doesn’t define my Blackness or my pride. When I choose to care for my hair in the way that feels best for me, I’m asserting my right to joy and freedom. I’m rejecting the idea that I need to fit anyone else’s mold or explain my choices. It’s a part of my self-expression, one that I use to feel confident and centered.

One of my clients recently shared a funny yet powerful thought: “I can’t control everything in my life, but I can control how I show up in the world and I choose not to be ugly.” Taking care of yourself, whether that’s through your hair, your clothes, or your vibe, is about reclaiming what’s yours. It’s not about meeting someone else’s standards; it’s about loving yourself unapologetically.

To my clients who share this journey with me: I see you. I understand the weight of these expectations because I’ve carried them too. My goal is to create a space where you feel safe, seen, and validated. A space where you can explore what self-care means to you and reclaim it as a tool for your own liberation.

For the Girls Who Get It

This is for the girls who were told, “This ain’t no fashion show,” for putting on lip gloss in class. For the ones who’ve canceled plans because their hair wasn’t done. For the ones who’ve been made to feel shallow for caring about their appearance.

You are allowed to care about how you look. You’re allowed to pour into yourself unapologetically. Self-care isn’t about vanity; it’s about showing up for yourself in the ways that matter most to you.

So book the appointment, buy the gloss, and rock whatever style makes you feel like your best self. And when you do? Do that shit well.

What’s Your Take?

Have you experienced hair depression or felt judged for how your vanity choices? How do you reclaim your self-care? Let’s talk! I’d love to hear how you’re showing up for yourself.

Practical Tools and Guides

1. Hair Care Planner: My Self Care Planner is on sale! Get it here for $6.

2. Myavana AI

   • An app that offers personalized hair care advice based on your specific hair type and goals.

   Books

   1. “Twisted: The Tangled History of Black Hair Culture” by Emma Dabiri

   2. “You Are Your Best Thing” by Tarana Burke and Brené Brown

   3. “The Little Book of Self-Care for Black Women” by Oludara Adeeyo

Balancing Hustle, Rest, and Faith: Healing While Grinding

Balancing Hustle, Rest, and Faith: Healing While Grinding

Is this a safe space???? This whole “balance” thing? It’s harder than it looks. Life feels like a constant tug-of-war between grinding for the future and enjoying the present. And if we’re being honest, I think a big part of that struggle comes from financial trauma.

Growing up, I saw my mom hustle to give me opportunities, and I’m forever grateful. But that grind mentality left an imprint. Rest wasn’t really an option…it was something you earned after you’d done the absolute most. Now, as an adult, I find myself battling the same mindset. If I’m not working toward the next goal, I feel like I’m slacking.

Let’s talk about the guilt that creeps in when you take a moment to breathe. Like, I know rest is necessary, but part of me thinks, Why are you sitting when there’s money to be made? And don’t even get me started on the numbers. Between student loans that feel like mortgage payments (AHHHHHH- I’m scurrrred- Biden pleaaaaseeeee) and inflation making $300 disappear faster than I can blink, resting feels like a luxury I can’t afford.

I’m learning this hustle mentality doesn’t come from nowhere. Financial trauma is real, and it can feed the guilt around resting. Watching my mom do what she had to do taught me resilience, but it also made me feel like I have to be in constant motion. Actually, writing this has me thinking that’s something I’ll probably start to unpack in therapy. I guess I’m going to keep my girl employed this year.

Financial trauma can shape our relationship with work and rest. It’s not just about money—it’s about safety, stability, and self-worth. If you’ve ever felt like you can’t pause because everything might fall apart, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you, trying to find peace in the pause.

And don’t forget, rest is not laziness. It’s a reset. It’s a way to show up for yourself and your goals without burning out. And let’s not forget: faith without works is dead, but so is work without balance. One of my major goals is to follow the Philippians scripture: worry about nothing, pray about everything. I know I have everything I need to succeed, and if I don’t, I trust that God will bless me in His timing.

Sometimes I remind myself that not everything has to be a moneymaker. I don’t need to monetize my joy. If I want to dance, bake cookies, or binge my favorite show, I don’t need to package it into a side hustle. Shoutout to the creatives turning hobbies into incomes, but some things can just be for us.

This week, I’m focusing on balance. Which is why this blog is coming out a 4PM and not 10AM, thanks for being patient with me. I’m meeting my financial goals, working on my business, and still making time to rest. Balance, for me, means aligning my actions with my values—praying, grinding, resting, and repeating. It’s not perfect, and I’m still figuring it out, but that’s the beauty of it.

Let’s figure this out together. We’re in this mess of life, loans, and living well as a team. Whether you’re working a 9-to-5, building a business, or doing both, let’s remind each other that it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to grind. It’s okay to trust that we’re on the right path.

Resources for Reflection and Growth

• Books:

  • We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (Black voices on building wealth while living your best life)

  • The Joy of Missing Out by Tonya Dalton (On balance and saying no to hustle culture)

  • Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey

  • The Black Girl's Guide to Financial Freedom by Paris Woods

  • Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

• Articles and Blogs:

  • Rest as Resistance: The Nap Ministry’s Guide to Slowing Down (Tricia Hersey's reflections on the power of rest)

  • The Budgetnista Blog by Tiffany Aliche (Financial empowerment for balance and freedom)

• My Digitial Planner and Self Care Bundle is on SALE, now for $10

  So, what does balance look like for you this week? What’s working for you right now? What’s hard? Drop your thoughts below—this community is here for all of it! Let’s chat about in the comments.

Stepping into 2025: Reflections, Intentions, and Building the Year You Deserve

Y’all, 2025 is knocking at the door, and it’s not just another year. It’s the year. The year I turn 30. Yup, 30. And it feels like a whole vibe. There’s excitement, there’s reflection, and there’s a deep sense of pride in how far I’ve come. Let’s talk about it.

2024 was messy in the best ways possible. It was full of growth, uncertainty, and the kind of change that makes you uncomfortable but also makes you stronger. If you’ve been following along, you know I’ve been doing the work—mentally, emotionally, and in business—and I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming. It’s been a year of leaning into discomfort, setting boundaries, and saying “yes” to more of what aligns with the life I actually want, not the one I thought I was supposed to have.

Reflecting on 2024: The Wins, the Lessons, and the Growth

Okay, 2024—you showed up and surprised me. At the beginning of the year, I had it all figured out, I was supposed to walk the stage and get my masters degree and then jump the broom and have this nice wedding (ummmm, more on this later). Looking back, I’m honestly grateful for every challenge, every lesson, and every little win. I did things I once thought were out of my reach, and I’m not talking about just the “big stuff” like:

• Graduating with my master’s degree (YES, I did that!)

• Building my community of first-gen folks (I’m officially not alone, and that feels so damn good)

• Starting a blog (and it’s actually getting read—dafuqqqqwhat??)

• Finally starting to show up for myself, even when it was hard

But you know what? It wasn’t about checking things off a list. It was about growth. I’ve learned more about patience, resilience, and the beauty of embracing the messy middle. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become, and I’m not done yet. In fact, I’m just getting started.

Entering 30: A Year of Intentionality

So, 30. I’ve been waiting for this moment. But instead of feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it, I’m excited. I’m excited because I’m stepping into a new decade with lessons from my twenties under my belt. I’m not running from the past; I’m bringing it with me as fuel for the future.

This year, I’m not setting some rigid list of resolutions. What do we call that? Growth. This is about intentions. It’s about feeling into the year, checking in with myself, and setting the tone for what’s to come. My number one intention for 2025? To be grounded, to trust my decisions, and to create a year that aligns with who I am right now, not who I thought I should be.

Here’s what I’m doing:

• Locking in with God. I’m starting the year with a fast to realign my spirit, focus my mind, and let God order my steps. I ordered a new bible which is nice and had chatgpt create a plan for me based on what I am experiencing and want to learn. If you’re looking for a new bible check this one out.

• Creating balance. This has been one of my biggest lessons this year. I used to think I had to either grind until burnout or rest too much and feel stuck. But now, I’m embracing the art of balance. Resting and working are both necessary, and I’m learning how to give myself permission to do both.

30 is about stepping into the fullness of who I am—without apology—and being okay with the fact that I don’t have it all figured out. And guess what? That’s okay.

Building Habits That Create Change: How my Planners Keep Me On Track (And Look Good Doing It)

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that big transformations come from small, everyday habits. Last year, I proved to myself that showing up for myself doesn’t need to be a huge, dramatic thing. It’s in the little details. So this year, I’m leaning into a few things that keep me grounded, organized, and feeling my best. Planners have been a game changer for me. You know I love to keep my life organized, but it’s not just about getting things done. It’s about nurturing my body, mind, and soul in the process. That’s why I created a 2025 Digital Planner and a Self-Care Planner , and let me tell you, they’re not just about schedules—they’re about making sure I show up for myself, inside and out. I used to be a girl who grabbed every pretty planner I seen but would not stick to them, I created a digital planner that can work for me. I use it on my iPAD and have it accessible on my phone for a nice reminder.

They’re not just planners—they’re your guide to staying intentional, focused, and aligned with your goals.

• Daily, weekly, and monthly layouts to help you manage your time.

• Self-care trackers for everything from skincare to affirmations. I’m talking about hair calendars, product lists, and skin habit trackers.

• Budget sheets to keep your finances on track (because yes, we’re leveling up in all areas)

I started using these planners in 2024, and I’ve seen real progress. I look back now, and I can see that I had more good days than bad. I tracked my moods, and when I went through the sheets in my planner, especially the mood tracker and monthly log—I noticed something powerful. More of my days were highlighted in pink (good vibes) than blue (those low energy moments). That’s what it’s all about, y’all. It’s easy to get caught up in New Year’s resolutions and focus on what we didn’t do, but we’ve gotta remember to celebrate what we DID do. We had fun, we grew, and we’re better than we were at the start of the year.

Here’s how I’m using my planner this year:

• Taking care of my skin & hair. Yeah, I’m talking about feeling good. I’m keeping my self-care rituals strong. Taking care of my skin and hair isn’t just about looking good—it’s about FEELING good. Because when I look in the mirror and see my best self, it gives me that energy to show up as my best self in the world.

• Tracking my wins. I’m journaling, logging my wins, and staying present. This year, I’m all about recognizing the good in every day. No more waiting for the "big wins" to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’m journaling, logging those little moments, and staying present. The more I focus on the good, the more good I see. It’s all about shifting your mindset, and these planners make that shift easier.

• Staying intentional with my time. Time is my most precious resource, and I’m getting intentional about how I use it. No more wasting time on things or people that don’t align with my vision.Time is everything. I’m learning how precious it is and how to use it wisely. Gone are the days of wasting time on things or people that don’t align with my vision. When I use my planners, I feel like my time is more intentional, and I’m not just running through the motions. The stress is reduced, and my brain is finally clear. I get stuff done and actually enjoy it.

• Building the life I want. The journal has space for a vision board and inspirations, I’m using visualization techniques by clipping my pinterest inspo into those pages to help me go after what I want.

These might seem small, but trust me—they add up. And when things feel chaotic, these habits help me stay grounded. I made these planners for me because I wanted something that helped me keep track of the day-to-day while staying aligned with my bigger goals. But after seeing the impact they’ve had, I want to share them with you. I genuinely believe these planners can help you be more intentional with your time, track your wins, and take care of yourself in the process. It’s all about creating the space for balance, growth, and joy.

So, if you’re ready to make 2025 the year you show up for yourself every day, my planners are here to help you get there. It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress. Let’s track our wins, keep our beauty rituals on point, and make sure we’re using our time wisely, together.

A Challenge for You: Start Your Year with Intention

I want you to start 2025 differently. Let’s set intentions, not just goals. Instead of running to the gym on January 1st and trying to check every box, let’s do something that feels good. Reflect on 2024—what did you learn? What are you proud of? Then, set your intentions. How do you want to feel this year? Heavy on the FEEEL! What habits will help you get there?

I’m doing a challenge with myself and I want you to join me. Let’s keep each other accountable in making 2025 the year we build the life we deserve. This is about progress, not perfection. We’ve got this.

Here’s to Us: A Year of Growth and Gratitude

2025 is my year, and I know it’s yours too. But it’s not about chasing perfection. It’s about celebrating our wins, no matter how small, and being open to the fact that what we wanted yesterday might not be what we need today—and that’s okay.

I’m proud of where I’ve come, and I’m excited about where I’m going. Here’s to a year of growth, gratitude, and doing the work—together.

Ready to step into 2025 with intention? Join me in this challenge, and let’s build a year of growth, abundance, and self-love. I’ve got the tools to help you get there. Let’s do this.

Grab your 2025 Digital Planner & Self Care Bundle and leave a review, please.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1850288075/2025-digital-planner-self-care-planner?click_key=8fdf6b3805165c6398aa37390a18e27e1ea65792%3A1850288075&click_sum=0a84e724&ref=related-1

Love y’all. See y’all in the New Year

Should I ghost my friends?

Message: Dear Ken, I love this blog it is so needed for the times we in and I feel like I am getting good advice from my big sister, I want to see you win with this. I'm writing in hoping you can give me some insight and tips on moving forward. You talked about how important it is to have community and how important your friends are to you in helping you. I'm 25 and realizing I dont have that and its so sad because I have "friends". I think I am outgrowing my friends because I really just want people around me who are trying to reach their goals and live the life of our dreams like I don't want to always go to brunch and yap. I feel like we aren't really reaching our full potential and I should meet new people. People who want to talk about business and growth. Broke people should never laugh and I'm getting annoyed because why are we going out to brunch if we still punching a clock. Will my friends be my downfall if I don't move around? Should I tell them why we can't be friends or just fall back, I'm not good at conflict so I don't want to make it something bigger. What do you think Thank you in advance.

Response

Hey Bria, I hear you, but I don’t completely feel where you’re coming from. You’d probably hate me and my girls because we are total “yap queens.” We definitely aren’t sitting around talking business analytics all the time. But here’s the thing — I’m a self-driven girl, and I happen to be surrounded by other self-driven people. We keep each other accountable, talk about our goals, and even help each other out — but that’s only about 20% of our relationship. The rest is love, fun, and pure connection.

I’m strict with these men, but not strict with my girls. Friendships need grace and understanding, not rules and judgment. If you’re craving more goal-oriented conversations, start by asking your friends if they’re open to creating space for that. But be mindful — assuming your friends don’t care about their futures or aren’t goal-oriented just because they’re not in the same headspace as you is dangerous territory. That’s a you problem, not theirs.

Don’t hold contempt thinking you’re “better” because brunch doesn’t feel right to you right now. People are in different seasons of life, and that’s okay. If you want your circle to shift, start with yourself. Put in the energy and effort to be the person you want to attract. Whether your friends join you on that path or not, you’ll find your tribe as long as you’re true to yourself.

Now, about ghosting: Don’t do it. Ghosting is an immature way to deal with discomfort. Instead, be honest but kind. Let them know how you’re feeling — that you’re shifting your focus and looking to connect with people who align with your current goals. That way, you leave the door open for the friendship to evolve rather than slamming it shut.

At the end of the day, life is about balance. Friendships aren’t one-dimensional. You can laugh over brunch and also help each other grow — the two aren’t mutually exclusive. If your current friends don’t vibe with the growth you’re craving, that’s fine. Just don’t burn bridges or let assumptions get in the way of meaningful connections. Your energy will naturally attract the right people, but only if you’re leading with love, not judgment.

Hope that helps! Keep shining and building the life you want!

Loving the Process: Finding Beauty in the Messy Middle

The end of the year hits differently, doesn’t it? Especially when everyone else is out here posting highlight reels: promotions, engagements, new babies, glowing “2024 has been my year” captions. And then there’s you—staring at your phone, wondering if the universe skipped over your RSVP.

If this is hitting a little too close to home, let me remind you of something: the messy middle isn’t the end of your story. In fact, it’s where the magic begins.

This is why I’m obsessed with Capri Delgato’s journey in the Delgato series by Jahquel J. This weekend I finished her story in Capri 3.5 and I was in tears. Her story? It’s real, raw, and way too relatable. Capri didn’t just wake up one day with her life perfectly put together. She cried through her struggles, faced the fear of starting over, and stumbled through the “What now?” moments. And the best part? She came out on the other side stronger, happier, and living a life she never thought she’d have.

Let’s get into it—how Capri Delgato’s messy middle can teach us to embrace our own, especially when everyone else seems to have it all figured out.

The Truth About the “Messy Middle”

Here’s the thing: nobody posts about the messy middle. Nobody’s out here bragging about how they cried themselves to sleep or how they barely scraped by. But that’s exactly where Capri’s story begins.

After losing this forced “happily ever after”, Capri felt lost. Her life wasn’t what she imagined it would be, and she didn’t know what the next chapter looked like. Sound familiar? That’s because the messy middle is where so many of us find ourselves—confused, unsure, and overwhelmed by everything we don’t have figured out. This girl had me STRESSED throughout the series, sis was the definition of doing it for the plot.

But Capri’s story reminds us that the messy middle isn’t the end. It’s the bridge that takes you to everything you’ve been praying for—even if it feels like the longest, bumpiest bridge in the world.

What To Do When You’re in the Mess

If you’re looking at the end of the year and feeling like you didn’t “win” 2024, let me be real with you: your life doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s highlight reel. And honestly, if you’re in the messy middle, here’s how you can embrace it:

1. Stop Comparing Your Process to Their Finish Line

Capri wasn’t scrolling through Instagram comparing her tears to someone else’s wedding photos. (Okay, maybe she was, but she didn’t stay there.) Your timeline isn’t their timeline. Their wins don’t cancel out your growth. You’re not behind—you’re exactly where you need to be, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

2. Let Yourself Be Messy

Let yourself feel all of it—the sadness, the frustration, the loneliness. We get used to pushing it down or faking a smile, which is unfair to our reality. So, if you’re in the messy middle, give yourself permission to be messy. Cry if you need to. Write a list of everything that’s pissing you off. It’s okay not to have it all together. Nobody does.

3. Find the Lesson in the Chaos

Capri’s messy middle wasn’t pretty, but it was necessary. It was through the tears and confusion that she found clarity, learned who she was, and built the foundation for the life she always wanted. Your mess isn’t pointless. It’s teaching you something—about yourself, about life, about what you want.

4. Remember That the Story Isn’t Over

Capri’s full-circle moment hit hard because she didn’t give up. Everything she thought she’d lost—love, stability, happiness—came back to her, and then some. Whatever you’re crying over now? That’s just one chapter. The story isn’t over yet.

Heading Into the New Year

Here’s the real talk: the end of the year doesn’t have to mean a neat, tied-up bow on your life. Sometimes, it just means survival. And that’s okay.

Capri Delgato’s story is proof that the messy middle doesn’t define you—it prepares you. So, if you’re feeling stuck, uninspired, or like you didn’t “win” 2024, let me remind you:

• You’re not behind.

• Your timeline isn’t broken.

• Your messy middle is leading you to something bigger.

When midnight strikes on December 31st, don’t stress about setting resolutions to magically fix your life. Instead, embrace the fact that the mess you’re in right now is part of the process. The tears you cry today are watering the seeds of growth. The struggles you’re facing now are shaping you into the person who’s ready for what’s next.

Capri didn’t rush her journey. She didn’t try to skip the pain. She stayed in it, leaned into the process, and came out stronger on the other side. And you can, too.

Let’s Toast to the Mess

So, here’s my challenge for you as the year wraps up: stop wishing for the good part and start loving the process—even the messy, uncomfortable, tear-filled parts. Because one day, you’ll look back and realize that the mess wasn’t just part of your story—it was the part that made everything else possible.

Your full-circle moment is coming. And trust me, it’s going to be worth the wait.

What’s Your “Messy Middle” Moment?

We’ve all been there—stuck in the chaos, wondering if we’ll ever reach the other side. What’s one lesson you’ve learned while navigating your own messy middle? Or, what’s something you’re still figuring out?

Let’s start a conversation in the comments—your story might inspire someone else who’s in the thick of it right now.

This Week’s Resources

• Delgato Series by Jahquel J
  Follow Capri Delgato’s journey in this raw and relatable series that explores love, loss, and finding yourself. Jahquel J’s storytelling highlights the power of growth, even through heartbreak. (Series starts at Capone -> Cappadonna -> Capri. Fair warning, it gets nasssttyyyy).

• We’re Going to Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union
  A collection of essays about life’s highs and lows, offering a real and vulnerable perspective on navigating challenges.

• You Are Your Best Thing edited by Tarana Burke and Brené Brown
  An anthology of Black voices sharing their stories of vulnerability and resilience.

• The Sisters Are Alright by Tamara Winfrey Harris
  A love letter to Black women, dismantling stereotypes and celebrating the beauty of imperfection.

Podcasts

• The Read
  Kid Fury and Crissle’s hilarious yet heartfelt conversations touch on everything from pop culture to navigating life’s challenges.

• Therapy for Black Girls
  Dr. Joy Harden Bradford delivers practical advice on mental health and self-care for Black women.

• Balanced Black Girl
  A motivational podcast with actionable tips to grow through life’s messiness while honoring your journey.

• Black Girl in Om
  Focused on holistic wellness and self-care, perfect for finding grounding in chaotic moments.

Journaling Prompts

• What would my 10-year-old self think of who I am now?

• What part of my journey am I most proud of, even if it didn’t go as planned?

• What would it look like to give myself grace in this season?

• Who inspires me, and why?

• Journals and Tools

  • The Remedy Journal by Intrinsme
    This beautifully designed journal offers prompts and reflections to help you find clarity, focus, and healing during the messiest moments. It’s the perfect companion for embracing your growth journey.

Social Media and Online Communities

• The Nap Ministry (@thenapministry)
  A reminder to rest and take care of yourself as an act of resistance and self-love.

• Alex Elle (@alex_elle)
  Daily doses of gentle reminders, journaling prompts, and encouragement for life’s middle moments.

• Black Women Healing Pod (@blackwomenhealingpod)
  A safe space for Black women to explore healing, mental health, and self-compassion.

Books & Resources for Growth

• Black Girls Must Die Exhausted by Jayne Allen
  A heartwarming and honest exploration of life’s challenges, friendships, and self-discovery.

• It’s Not All Downhill from Here by Terry McMillan
  A powerful story about reinvention and finding joy even when life throws curveballs.

Affirmations for the Messy Middle

• “I am not behind; I’m exactly where I need to be.”

• “My pace is mine, and it is enough.”

• “This chapter is part of my story, and it has value.”

• “I will celebrate the small wins because they lead to big victories.”

Professional Support

• Therapy for Black Girls Directory
  A resource for finding Black therapists who can help you navigate the mess with compassion and understanding.

• HealHaus
  A wellness space centered around healing for people of color, offering virtual therapy, yoga, and meditation.

• Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective (BEAM)
  A community supporting Black mental health and emotional well-being.