Aligning With Your Highest Self: Meeting Her, Becoming Her, and Using Free Will to Get There

Aligning With Your Highest Self: Meeting Her, Becoming Her, and Using Free Will to Get There

This week, I felt grounded. Not because life wasn’t throwing punches—it absolutely was—but because I made the choice to stay present. I chose to show up for myself.

My highest self always shows up for herself. She’s intentional, kind, and grounded—even when things don’t go as planned. She’s not perfect, but she’s consistent. And that’s what matters most.

Take this week’s CorePower class as an example. I signed off work late and got to class five minutes past the cutoff. They wouldn’t let me in. Old me might’ve spiraled—angry at myself for being late, frustrated with them for not letting me in, and carrying that irritation for the rest of the night. But this time? I shrugged it off. “Fair enough,” I told myself. I made a mental note to log off earlier next time and focused on being more punctual.

That moment could’ve easily pulled me out of alignment. But instead, I used my free will to choose grace over frustration. And that small choice felt like a win—a reminder of the power we all have to meet and align with our highest selves.

Who Is Your Highest Self?

Your highest self isn’t some distant version of you you’ll meet someday when you “have it all together.” She’s already within you. She’s the version of you that:

• Moves with purpose and grace, even when life feels chaotic.

• Speaks to herself with kindness and patience.

• Chooses to align her actions with her values and goals.

• Prioritizes self-love and boundaries unapologetically.

• Honors her needs, even when it’s inconvenient. Clock that one!

Your highest self isn’t about being flawless or unbothered. She’s about showing up, being intentional, and making choices that reflect who you’re becoming.

What Does It Look Like to Meet Her?

Meeting your highest self starts with reflection. It’s about slowing down and asking:

• Who do I want to be?

• How does my highest self think, act, and respond to challenges?

• What kind of energy does she bring into the world?

This week, I’ve been meeting my highest self happens through mirror work. It’s a practice I’ve incorporated into my routine and even introduced to my clients with incredible results.

Mirror work is about spending intentional time with yourself—not to critique, but to see yourself. To acknowledge, appreciate, and connect with the person staring back at you.

How I Practice Mirror Work

When I sit in front of the mirror, I start with stillness. I let myself just be for 2, 5, 10+ minutes, taking in my reflection without judgment. I notice the details—my eyes, my expressions, the way I feel in the moment.

Then, I start speaking to myself. I give myself gratitude for the ways I’ve shown up. I hype myself up, offering words of encouragement and kindness. I remind myself of my worth and my progress.

To guide my reflection, I use prompts like:

• “What does my highest self need from me today?”

• “What am I proud of myself for right now?”

• “How can I show up for myself in this moment?”

Here are some prompts to guide your own mirror work practice:

1. Gratitude Prompts:

   • “What can I thank my body for today?”

   • “What has my mind or spirit done for me recently that deserves appreciation?”

2. Self-Compassion Prompts:

   • “What do I need to forgive myself for?”

   • “What would I say to a friend feeling how I feel? How can I say that to myself?”

3. Affirmation Prompts:

   • “What do I love about myself?”

   • “What makes me unique and beautiful?”

4. Future Self Prompts:

   • “How does my highest self handle challenges like the ones I’m facing?”

   • “What steps can I take today to get closer to her?”

5. Encouragement Prompts:

   • “What do I need to hear from myself right now?”

   • “How can I remind myself that I’m doing my best?”

Becoming Her: One Choice at a Time

Becoming your highest self isn’t about dramatic transformations. It’s about small, intentional choices, moment by moment.

Here’s what becoming her might look like:

• Choosing Presence Over Perfection: Staying where your feet are instead of spiraling into worry about the past or future.

• Practicing Self-Kindness: Encouraging yourself instead of criticizing when things go wrong.

• Aligning Your Actions With Your Values: Saying yes to what matters and no to what doesn’t.

• Investing in What She Loves: Doing the things that light her up, whether it’s journaling, moving her body, or taking time to rest.

The Role of Free Will in Alignment

Free will is our greatest tool. It’s what allows us to choose, over and over again, to show up as our highest selves—even when it’s hard.

• You can choose to pause instead of react.

• You can choose to speak kindly to yourself instead of harshly.

• You can choose alignment, even in the middle of chaos.

It’s not about perfection. It’s about progress.

Practical Steps to Align With Your Highest Self

1. Mirror Work:
   Spend time with yourself in the mirror. Sit in stillness, meet your own eyes, and let yourself be seen. Then, use prompts to guide your reflection and connect with your highest self.

2. Set Daily Intentions:
   Start your day by asking: “How can I align with my highest self today?” Write it down or say it out loud to keep it top of mind.

3. Check In With Yourself:
   Throughout the day, pause and ask: “Am I acting in alignment with my highest self right now?” If not, gently guide yourself back.

4. Celebrate Small Wins:
   Every time you make a choice that aligns with her—no matter how small—celebrate it.

5. Reconnect When You Fall Off:
   You won’t always stay aligned, and that’s okay. When you feel off, pause, reflect, and choose alignment again.

You Have the Power to Choose Her

Your highest self is already within you. She’s not waiting for you to become perfect or have it all figured out. She’s waiting for you to choose her—to see her, to listen to her, and to move with intention.

So the next time life feels heavy, pause. Find a mirror. Meet your own eyes. And ask: What does my highest self need from me right now? Then choose her.

Because she’s there, rooting for you, ready to guide you toward the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be. And when you choose her? It changes everything.

Dear Ken… Is he holding me back?

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Letter

Subject: Is he holding me back?

Message: Hi Ken,

I'm nervous writing in because I'm ashamed of what I’ve accepted and confused about what to do please keep me anonymous. I am a 26(F) and have been dating and living with a 29(M) for 2 years. I met him at 22, but we were off and on for a year. We made it official about 2 years ago and moved in 3 months later (I know, I know).I work in corporate tech and am considering going back to school for PM, which is what I’m writing in about. My boyfriend does not have a college degree and recently graduated from the police academy. He went to school for a couple of years but didn’t finish. He has negative views of college and talks about it being a waste because “we get debt for a piece of paper.” I don’t feel that way and want to continue advancing my degree especially with the times we’re living in.

Before he joined the police force, he was working at Amazon and had some part-time jobs. He paid the bills but didn’t have a lot of money, which didn’t bother me since we were young we made it work. I encouraged him and motivated him to join the force.Now I’m trying to go back to school. I’ll take out loans, and my job will help with tuition, but he’s not supportive. In a recent conversation, he said that if I go back, he will break up with me. When I talked to him about it, he said he was joking, but I don’t think so since he’s been saying stuff like this often. He says it will take time away from him and that I should be satisfied with where I am now.

A huge part of me wants to run because I know it’s not okay for him to say that, but I value marriage and want to be a wife. My family is looking at me like I should be a wife to him too. I’m the first in my family to get a degree, so they think I’ve already reached my success.I just need to know what should I do? Or, I know you can’t give me advice, so what would you do? Do I put the career stuff to the side and focus on my relationship, maybe get some certifications? Or do I go back to school because he says he won’t break up with me?

To be honest, I’m okay if you drag me for filth as long as I’m anonymous. I just need someone to tell me the truth and what I need to hear. I don’t want to run this through my friends because I’m so embarrassed.

Sorry this is so long.

Response

Leave Him. The fact that you’re questioning what’s best for you tells me that deep down, you already know the answer. You just need someone to say it out loud.

Leave him.

Point blank, sis. Anyone—whether it’s a boyfriend, a friend, or even family—who wants you to stay stagnant, dim your light, or put their insecurities ahead of your growth is not someone you need in your corner. A boyfriend worth building a life with wouldn’t see your dreams as a threat to his. He wouldn’t joke about breaking up with you or tell you to be satisfied with “enough.” A husband—a real partner—would either support your goals outright or work with you to figure out a plan to make them happen together. This man is doing neither. Leave him.

You mentioned your family think you’ve “already reached your peak” because you’re the first in your family to get a degree. I know that pressure hits deep, especially for first-gen people. But you don’t owe anyone a version of yourself that makes them more comfortable. That’s their opinion— don’t make it your reality. You are you—a woman with ambition, vision, and drive. That doesn’t stop just because others are satisfied. You didn’t work this hard to stop now.

And let’s talk about his comments on college being a “waste.” Look, the times we’re living in are hard, and degrees do matter. It’s not just a piece of paper—it’s access. It’s mobility. It’s options. Don’t let someone’s bitterness or fear of being left behind convince you otherwise. If you’ve got the opportunity to go back to school, especially with your job helping out, take it. That degree will open doors for you that he might not even see because he’s too busy trying to block them.

Leave him.The bigger issue here isn’t just the degree; it’s his mindset. When a man shows you who he is, believe him the first time. The jokes about breaking up aren’t just jokes—they’re manipulation wrapped in humor. The idea that you should be “satisfied” with where you are? That’s a red flag waving high. He’s not worried about the time you’ll spend in class; he’s worried that you’ll grow in ways that he won’t. He’s scared of being left behind, and instead of doing the work to grow with you, he’s trying to hold you back.

This is a dilemma women face way too often. Society teaches us to prioritize relationships and sacrifice for love, while men are told to focus on their careers and get their life together before even thinking about marriage. Sis, we need to take a page from their book. Build your life. Invest in yourself. Put yourself first, because when you do find a partner who’s worthy of you, they’ll be ready to meet you at your level—not drag you down to theirs. Leave him.

Because I’ve lived it I know you can love someone deeply and still choose yourself. I spent my 20s growing in a relationship, and let me tell you—prioritizing my dreams, even with a ring on my finger, changed everything. No partner, no matter how much you love them, should stop you from chasing what’s yours. People can wake up one day and decide to live differently in a way that no longer aligns with you. Trust me. That’s why it’s so important to build your life around you and not what anyone else thinks, says, or does.

I am beyond grateful that I stayed the course, no matter what my partner was doing. He knew better than to try to stop my dreams, because nothing about me gave him permission to think I’d settle for less. And that’s what I want for you—that confidence. That knowing. That “I’m that girl, and you’re not going to talk me out of it” energy.

Check in with yourself. With your spirit. Look in the mirror and remind yourself of who you are and where you’re going. Your journey is yours. Your identity is not tied to marriage or being a wife. It’s not even tied to your career—it’s tied to the woman you’re becoming. And that woman? She’s not about to let anyone hold her back, especially someone who doesn’t see her worth.

Ask yourself: How do you want your future husband to treat you? How do you want him to joke with you? Something tells me this ain’t it. The man for you will never make you feel small. He won’t “joke” about breaking up with you or tell you to be satisfied with less. He’ll be the one cheering you on when you’re tired, reminding you why you started in the first place, and building with you—not against you. And truthfully, you’re putting a husband dilemma on a guy who is just your boyfriend.

This man you’re with now? He’s harmful, sis. His words, his attitude, his energy—it’s all weighing you down. And you don’t deserve that. Move around. Choose yourself, your goals, your dreams, and the life you want to create. The right partner will respect you for it.

You are that girl—and if you need to hear it again, go up to that mirror. Look at yourself and tell yourself your journey is yours. You will reach your goals and won’t be around anyone who wants you to think small. Let him go. Pack his negativity, insecurity, and jokes up in a box, and leave them at the curb where they belong.

You’ve got work to do, dreams to chase, and a life to live—and it’s time to get started.

With love and all the confidence in the world,
Ken

Quick Rant & A Hug for the 92%

This ain't no safe space, and I’m not here to sugarcoat anything.

Sometimes we just need to let it out— I used this space for that. I’m not asking you to excuse me for my raw thoughts, I’m warning you before moving forward. I’m allowed to be angry.

To the 92% of Black women who casted their votes for Kamala Harris, I see you. I feel you. And I stand with you.

Today, I’m pissed.
I’m pissed because rights to our bodies are being snatched away, and it feels like the government doesn’t care if we suffocate under the weight of it. I’m pissed because a convicted felon sits in office while I know real felons who can’t even get a call back at Wendy’s. How the actual hell does that make sense? They throw us into the system, break us down, and then deny us opportunities like it’s some sick joke. Meanwhile, they make decisions for us like we’re invisible. It’s a damn shit show, and I’m over it.

I’m pissed because this man plans to start deportations here in Chicago, and yeah, it hits home. We’re all just trying to survive in a place where we’re treated like outsiders in our own damn country… I mean, I AINT ASK TO BE BROUGHT HERE…... It’s an attack on every Brown and Black body out here. It’s not a “policy,” it’s a declaration that we don’t matter.

And you know what else? I’m pissed because the same people I went to school with, people I’ve grown to love and care for, are out here okay with voting for Trump—or not voting at all. O my Lord— Chicago Public School really failed us because, really? This isn’t just about your beliefs; it’s about the lives of your own people. Your business won’t flourish. Your kids won’t be okay. Your future won’t be okay. This system doesn’t just hurt “them”—it hurts us all. And if you’re too comfortable to see that, then you're part of the problem. This is your world too.

I’ve had enough of being the punching bag of a system that doesn’t give a damn about me.

The work is in the resistance.
I’ve been doing the work all along, and it’s not just about pushing for change in ways that get recognized. It’s about the refusal to accept the way this world treats us. The work is in showing up, even when we’re tired. It’s in fighting back with our voices, our actions, and our energy. But right now? I’m tired. I’m taking it slow today because I’ve been pushing, and honestly, I’m out of steam. I’ve been giving everything I have, but I don’t know if I’ve got more to give right now. And you know what? That’s okay.

The work isn’t just in the fight; it’s in the moments when we allow ourselves to feel everything we’re going through. We don’t have to be “on” every second. We don’t always have to be “strong” or “resilient.” Sometimes, it’s okay to just be human. To feel the weight of everything and admit that it’s a lot. Today, I’m sitting with the anger, hurt, and frustration. But even in the middle of it all, I’ve got a little sprinkle of resilience because, as a Black woman, I will be okay. But that doesn’t mean I’m not tired.

So today, I’m giving myself permission to feel every bit of this moment. I’m not going to hide it. I’m not going to shove it down and pretend like everything is fine when it’s not. This system has been failing us, and I won’t sit here and act like we owe it anything.

For the 92% of Black women who voted for Kamala Harris—we’ve done the work. We didn’t do it for praise. We didn’t do it because we thought we’d get anything in return. We did it because we have to, we’re forced to. We show up, because we know that no one else will. But it’s not enough to just show up anymore. The work is in the resistance. The resistance is in knowing that we deserve more. We’ve earned more. And we’re not settling for anything less.

So if you’re feeling that exhaustion, that defeat, that anger—I’m right there with you. Today, take the time you need. The fight is always going to be there. We’ve earned the space to rest, to feel, and to stand firm in what’s ours.

F that man.

What Happens in This House Can Be Addressed Outside the House: Addressing Intergenerational Trauma, Racial Trauma, and How We Protect Our Kids

Hey, y’all. This is tough. But we gotta talk.

If you’ve heard about the case of Na'Ziyah Harris, you already know it’s one of the most disturbing things you’ll ever come across. A young girl, abused by someone who should have been protecting her—an adult who was in her life, who manipulated, controlled, and violated her. But it’s more than just a story about one girl. This is about the systems of silence, neglect, and trauma that let these things happen. It's about how we, as a community, need to do better for our kids. This isn’t just happening in one place—this is happening everywhere, and we can’t keep letting it slide under the rug.

Intergenerational Trauma: The Cycle We Have to Break

Intergenerational trauma gets passed down from generation to generation. Emotional neglect, survival-based coping, and even things like not addressing mental health—it all gets handed down, and if we don’t deal with it, it just keeps repeating. A lot of us grew up in households where the goal was just to survive, not to heal. Mental health wasn’t something that was prioritized, and abuse or neglect was sometimes ignored, or even worse, normalized.

And then there’s racial trauma. If you’re a person of color, you know exactly what I mean. The racism, the discrimination—it’s ingrained in everything we do. From how we get treated in the workplace to how our kids are treated in schools. But it doesn’t just affect our day-to-day lives—it affects our mental health too. And when we don’t address it, it’s another layer of pain that gets passed down. The way we cope with it, the way we keep things in the family, the way we avoid dealing with the hard conversations—it all has an impact.

This kind of trauma creates an environment where, in some families, silence is used as a way to “protect” the family from the outside world. But that protection? It comes at a cost. We need to find a way to hold space for those tough conversations, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, so we can protect the children we care about. We can’t keep pretending that everything is fine or sweeping things under the rug. Our kids are watching. They’re learning from us. And if we don’t change the way we handle our trauma, it’s going to show up in their lives too. We need to start healing, not just surviving.

I’m proud of the way our generation is progressing but I’ve seen some takes on TikTok that are PISSING me off— many people are just carrying the torch of trauma— how are y’all so comfortable calling this girl “fast”??????

Stop Calling Black Girls Fast

It gets me heated the way we label Black girls as “fast.” This is something that has to stop. It’s disgusting, and it’s harmful. Calling a young girl “fast” when she shows curiosity about her body or relationships doesn’t just shame her—it removes blame from the person who actually did the harm. It makes the child responsible for the abuse, not the predator.

We need to stop shaming girls and boys for exploring their bodies. That’s not “fast.” That’s normal curiosity. We should be empowering our kids to understand their bodies, not punishing them for asking questions. Demonizing sexual curiosity is a recipe for shame—and shame is the perfect breeding ground for secrecy, manipulation, and silence. If we continue to shame our kids for their natural curiosity, we’re only setting them up to hide things from us. And that makes them more vulnerable to people who will manipulate and abuse them.

Creating space for kids to ask questions about their bodies and sex isn’t about encouraging them to go out there and start having sex. It’s preventive. It’s about creating an environment where they feel safe to talk to you about what’s going on in their lives, what they’re curious about, and what they might be confused by. It gives them a healthy understanding of their bodies, which can protect them from predators who prey on confusion and silence.

If we don’t create that space for them to talk to us, someone else will fill that gap and it’s probably not going to be a good person. We can’t afford to let them be manipulated into thinking they can’t ask us questions. Being open and available for those tough conversations is one of the best ways we can protect our kids.

The Aunt, the Relationships, and Staying With Abuse

Now, let’s talk about the aunt in this case. The fact that she stayed with a man who was clearly dangerous—who had a history of abusing children—blows my mind. And it’s not just her. This happens all too often, where women stay with men who harm children, either because they’re emotionally invested or because they’re trying to keep a relationship going.

This is the thing that frustrates me the most: How many times do we allow harmful men to stay in our lives and around our kids because we feel like we need them? Because we’re scared of being alone or being judged for being single? We’ve got to break that cycle. We need to stop prioritizing relationships with toxic men over the safety of our children.

We also need to stop pretending that our relationships don’t affect the kids around us. If we’re bringing people into our lives who are harmful, we have to own up to that. Staying in toxic relationships only teaches our kids that it’s okay to tolerate abuse and manipulation. We can’t keep making excuses for people who hurt us or our families.

Protecting the Kids in Our Lives

If you have kids in your life—whether they’re your own or someone else’s—be present. Spend time with them. Get to know their world. Don’t just ask them how school is going—ask them how they’re feeling, what’s going on with their friends, if anything feels off. We need to be checking in with them regularly, not just when something goes wrong. It’s about building that trust so they feel safe enough to come to us when they need help.

I spend a lot of time with the children in my personal life. I listen to them talk about life, about school, about everything. I want them to know they’re loved and that they can come to me with anything. Kids need to know that. They need to know they’re supported. And most importantly, they need to know they can trust the adults in their lives to keep them safe.

What happens in this house doesn’t have to stay here. It’s time to break the silence, to talk about the tough stuff, and to protect the kids in our communities. We can’t afford to keep pretending everything’s fine when we know it’s not. We need to heal, we need to protect, and we need to create spaces where our children feel safe to ask questions. They deserve that, and so much more.

Taking Care of Yourself After This

I know this post might stir up some emotions, and if it does, take a moment to check in with yourself. You don’t have to do much—sometimes, the simplest things can help ground you.

Here’s something you can try if you’re feeling overwhelmed: Take three slow, deep breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and then exhale for a count of four. Focus on your breath, and allow yourself to settle back into your body. It’s a simple way to calm your nervous system when it’s feeling activated.

If that’s not enough, just know that it’s okay to step away. Take a break. Go for a walk, or drink some water. Do something small that feels good for you in this moment. Your feelings are valid, and you don’t need to fix everything at once.

Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to give yourself permission to rest.

This wasn’t one of those posts where I could drop a bunch of resources or solutions. Sometimes, I just need to vent, to get the raw thoughts out—because this hits hard, and is way to common. But I also know that if you’re reading this and it’s resonating with you, maybe you need to hear something else or need support to navigate your own experiences.

So, if you’re looking for help, or if this conversation is sparking something in you, here are a few resources that might be useful:

• Therapy for Black Girls Directory – Find a Therapist [Here]

• Engaging with Kids – Resources on how to engage with the kids in your life and start having those tough, real conversations. [Resources for Parents]; [Information on Grooming]; [Difficult Conversations]

• Sexual Assault Resources – If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, there are people who can help. Here are some sexual assault resources and hotlines that can provide support to individuals who may be experiencing sexual violence or need guidance:

  1. National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN)

  • Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

  • Text: Text "STEALTH" to 741741 for crisis support.

  • Website: RAINN.org

  • What They Offer: Anti-sexual violence organization in the U.S. Confidential hotline available 24/7, support for survivors, and resources for finding local support services.

  2. National Domestic Violence Hotline

  • Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

  • Website: The Hotline

  • What They Offer: Provides support for individuals experiencing domestic violence, including sexual assault. Available 24/7 and offer confidential counseling, safety planning, and referrals.

  3. National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC)

  • Website: NCVC.org

  • What They Offer: Offers resources, including guides on how to support survivors of sexual assault, and a directory of resources and hotlines.

  4. 1in6 (For male survivors)

  • Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

  • Website: 1in6.org

  • What They Offer: Provides support for male survivors of sexual violence, offering online support groups and resources to help with recovery.

  5. VictimConnect

  • Phone: 1-855-484-2846

  • Website: VictimConnect

  • What They Offer: A helpline for survivors of crime, offering confidential information, resources, and referrals for victims of sexual violence.

  6. The Joyful Heart Foundation

  • Website: Joyful Heart Foundation

  • What They Offer: Provides resources and support for survivors of sexual assault and advocates for systemic change in the criminal justice system.

But, more than anything, I hope you know you’re not alone. Keep the conversation going—whether here in the comments or in your own communities. Let’s keep breaking the silence, togethe

Dear Ken… Should I let her go?

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Letter

Subject: Should I let her go?

Message: I was talking about what I’m writing you for with my sister she told me about your blog and told me to write in here I just wanted to let you know so you know you have men who read and enjoy this. Ite so my name Mak and I’m 29 I live in Chicago. I started talking to someone in the summer, before that I hadn’t dated anyone since early 2023 because I didn’t like how I was showing up for the women in my life so I took a step back, got in therapy, put a lot of work into my career, and health. I’m now in a comfortable spot I’m an engineer and feel like things are going well to the point that even my therapist brought up dating. So I get back on the apps and started meeting people. I met this girl and we went on a date and it was decent we started spending more time together and feelings are growing. She’s decent as hell and I can see myself locking it down. We started getting more serious before the holidays and met each other families. She had relationships in the past where the niggas cheated on her or did goofy shit and I’m paying for that. She goes through my phone which I don’t really care too much about it’s the fact that she’s going through it looking for things that aren’t there. I deleted the apps probably in september when we started going out more so of course they aren’t on my phone she went to the App Store and seen they weee previously on my phone and had an attitude I was so confused because …. We met on the apps so you know they used to be on my phone??? I went to DePaul and have a lot of friends from there some who are girls and strictly platonic and she’ll have problems when they are around or reach out to me, I’m not really cool with getting rid of my college friendships since nothing about them are inappropriate. My issue is I’ve spent a lot of time and money in therapy and growing that sometimes this feels like even though I really like this girl she may not be a healthy choice for me. How do I tell her she should get in therapy and I’m serious about it without sounding controlling or brewfurd? It ain’t fair what her past did to her she wasn’t supposed to have people to treat her like that but I don’t feel like I should be punished for things they did. And it can be triggering because I had experiences where I wasn’t the best man for a woman and have cheated or played games in the past I can sometimes feel guilty and want to fix everything that I didn’t break I guess to clear my conscience. I want to see this work because she has so many qualities I like and I have never felt the way I feel about any woman with her I don’t want us to be unhealthy for each other. Thank you

Response

Hey Mack,

Ahhh, the blog has reached the men. Welcome! You’re doing a lot of important work, both in reflecting on your own past and trying to figure out how to build something healthy with her. I really respect that you're considering how your past guilt impacts your current relationship, and you’re asking the right questions. Guilt is a tricky thing, especially when it comes from past wrongdoings like cheating or playing games. You might feel like you owe it to your partner to make up for past mistakes, but you can’t fix everything you didn’t break. Guilt can sometimes lead to overcompensating, being overly cautious, or constantly feeling like you're walking on eggshells to "make things right." And while that’s well-intentioned, it’s not the healthiest way to go about it, and it can sometimes cause more harm than good.

Now, when it comes to your partner’s past and how her trauma might be showing up in your relationship, I want to dive a bit deeper. It sounds like she’s had some significant hurt from past relationships, especially from infidelity and emotional betrayal. And what you’re noticing now—the hypervigilance, the checking your phone, the insecurity around your friendships—is very much a symptom of how trauma, especially from cheating, can affect someone on a deep level.

Here’s some psychoeducation on why this happens: Infidelity, or any betrayal in a relationship, can have effects that are remarkably similar to PTSD. When someone experiences cheating, their trust is broken in a way that goes beyond just a “normal” betrayal. It affects the brain’s stress responses, much like trauma does, and triggers something called hypervigilance. This is when someone is constantly on edge, anticipating danger or harm—even when there’s no immediate threat. They may become extra sensitive to things that might seem harmless to others, like your platonic friendships or past dating apps on your phone. Their brain is constantly scanning for “evidence” that the betrayal might happen again, so they react strongly even if they’re not consciously aware of why.

That hypervigilance can show up as intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and a general sense of being unsafe in relationships. It's like their nervous system is always in "fight or flight" mode, which is exhausting for both the person carrying the trauma and the partner. So when you see her going through your phone, or becoming upset about things that seem minor to you, it’s not necessarily about you—it’s about the fear and insecurity that come from unresolved pain in her past.

That said, before jumping into a serious relationship, especially when someone has past trauma, both partners need to do the work to process that baggage. If you were to continue without addressing these unresolved issues, it’s like trying to drive a car with the parking brake on. It’s not going to go anywhere smoothly. Your baggage and hers needs to be dealt with in a way that doesn’t derail the relationship, and therapy is a great way to start that process.

I’m not saying call things off, no one is free from baggage—not you, not her, not me, not anyone. But with the right support and effort, we can manage it and not let it control us. It’s like we’re all carrying a backpack full of emotional stuff—some people’s backpacks are heavier than others. What’s important is how we deal with that weight. You can’t just throw your backpack on the floor and ignore it, but with the right tools (therapy, support, self-reflection), you can put that baggage in the car and still make it to your destination—together. You’re not expected to carry the whole thing for her, but you can help her unpack it if she’s willing to work on it.

So when you talk to her about therapy, it’s important to approach the conversation gently, using "I" statements and soft start-ups to keep things calm and open. You can say something like, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how we can make this work, and I really want to be a good partner to you. I know your past relationships have hurt you, and I respect how hard that must be to carry. I also want to make sure we’re both in a place where we can build something healthy, so I think it could be helpful for both of us to continue working on our own healing. I’ve been in therapy to grow and be the best version of myself, and I really believe it’s something that could support you too, in processing everything that’s come up for you.”

This way, you’re showing empathy while also making it clear that you believe therapy could be a step forward for both of you, not just her. You’re coming from a place of care, but also from a place of self-respect. You’re not taking on her emotional load, but you’re offering support in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re trying to control her.

The most important thing is that you're giving her the space to do the work that’s necessary, without feeling like it’s being forced on her. You can even use humor to lighten the mood. A little humor goes a long way in these tough conversations, but the point still stands: you want to be moving forward together, not carrying unnecessary emotional weight that holds you both back.

Ultimately, Mack, it’s about doing the work—not just for her, but for you too. If you’re still carrying guilt from past relationships, it’s important to process that, so it doesn’t cloud your present. You can’t fix what you’ve done in the past, but you can be a better version of yourself today. And that’s what matters.

Relationships are hard, but they don’t have to be painful or toxic. With the right work and communication, you can build something strong. But if that work isn’t happening—on both sides—it’s time to reconsider whether it’s the right relationship for you.

You’ve got this, Mack. Keep doing the work and keep being real with yourself. That’s how you build something that lasts.

I’m rooting for you!
Ken

More Than Just Hair: Embracing Vanity as Acts of Self-Love

Yesterday, I sat in Teresa’s chair at Coleman Hair Company, and let me tell you… this middle-part bustdown is bussdowning with layers so cute and fluffy, you couldn’t tell me I’m not Kash Doll Jr. Baby, I am her. That moment when she turned me to the mirror? I felt renewed, like the best version of myself was staring back.

Walking out of the salon, swinging my hair like it had its own agenda, it wasn’t just about how good I looked. It was about how I felt. My mood was lifted, my confidence restored, and I felt aligned with myself again. For Black women, hair isn’t just hair. It’s deeply tied to identity, culture, and our emotional well-being. And while this connection has roots in systemic oppression, choosing to care for ourselves in the way we want is an act of liberation and you cannot make me feel bad about that.

Hair Depression Is Real

We don’t talk about it enough, but hair depression is real. It’s that in-between space when you’re over your wash-n-go, stuck wearing the same bun for weeks, or can’t afford the bundles or braids you want right now. It’s not just being annoyed with your hair—it’s about feeling out of sync with yourself.

I recently vlogged my hair appointment, and while getting my hair done isn’t the only thing that helps me out of the funk, it’s a big part of the process. Sitting in the chair, being cared for, and walking out feeling brand new reminds me how important it is to prioritize myself. It’s not just about the final look—it’s about the energy shift that happens when I take time to love on myself.

If you’re visually nosey like me- check out my TikTok: “Come Cure Hair Depression With Me”—it’s all about the process, the ambiance, and, of course, the glow-up.

TikTok: Hair Vlog

When your hair isn’t done, it’s harder to feel confident or motivated. That disconnect can spill into everything; your mood, your energy, even how you show up for the day. And while we may laugh about it, hair depression deserves to be taken seriously. It’s a reflection of how closely our emotional well-being is tied to how we care for ourselves.

When I prioritize my hair care, I’m doing more than fixing a style. I’m pouring into myself. I’m reminding myself that I’m worth the effort. That small act of care (whether it’s sitting in the shop or doing my hair at home) can completely shift my mood.

The Salon as a Sacred Space

For so many Black women, the shop has historically been one of the few safe spaces we have. It’s where we connect, decompress, and recharge. But these spaces are becoming harder to find, especially those that are welcoming, affirming, and truly safe. Too often, getting our hair done feels more like a chore than an act of care. Overbooked stylists, long waits, and the scarcity of Black-owned salons in some areas make it harder to enjoy the experience. This mirrors a broader issue: the erosion of community spaces for Black people. Rebuilding and maintaining these spaces, whether they’re salons, churches, or even online communities, is a form of resistance.

When you finally find that space where you’re cared for, respected, and not rushed it’s magic.

The Narratives We Carry

Something I’ve noticed, especially when I wear my natural hair, is how quick people are to project their narratives onto me “Your hair is so nice. Why don’t you wear it out more? You should wear it like that all the time!” And while I know it’s meant as a compliment, it’s frustrating.

Thank you… I know my hair is nice. I love it. But just because I choose to wear protective styles doesn’t mean I hate myself or my hair. There’s this narrative that if you straighten your hair or wear weaves you’re rejecting your Blackness. It’s kind of outdated and oppressive at our big age. Yes, I am not my hair (thank you, India Arie) but let’s not dismiss the fact that how I care for myself is deeply tied to how I feel. Choosing to pour into myself, whether through a fro, a fresh set of braids, or some bomb bundles, is a radical act of self-love.

My hair care choices are about me and what works for my life, my time, and my energy. I’m not rejecting my identity; I’m embracing the freedom to express myself however I want. I totally understand the origin of that narrative but for many people that isn’t their story.

The act of choosing how we present ourselves—our hair, our clothes, our vibe—is an act of reclaiming autonomy. For Black women, this is particularly powerful because society has long dictated how we “should” look to be acceptable, professional, or attractive. As a first-gen woman, I grew up understanding that how you’re perceived matters. My mom, who rocked locs and was basically ready to fight a revolution at any moment, told me to make sure I was “put together.” I was taught to prioritize how I am perceived because success depends on it.

It’s an unfair reality. We shouldn’t have to overcompensate or prove ourselves through how we look. But the truth is, how we present ourselves does impact how we’re treated. Instead of letting that reality define me, I’ve decided to reclaim it. I define my identity, not anyone else. This choice is not just about aesthetics; it’s about rejecting the oppressive beauty standards that have policed Black hair for centuries. It’s about saying, I am enough exactly as I am—and I deserve to feel good about myself.

When I look good, I feel good. I’m not dressing or styling my hair for anyone else’s standards; I’m doing it for me. It’s about aligning how I feel on the inside with how I show up on the outside.

Vanity can be Liberating

If we internalize the narrative that we’re “too vain” for caring about our looks or that wearing weave means we’re ashamed of our Blackness, we’re limiting ourselves.

I’m here to rewrite that story. My hair, whether in a bun, box braids, or a weave, doesn’t define my Blackness or my pride. When I choose to care for my hair in the way that feels best for me, I’m asserting my right to joy and freedom. I’m rejecting the idea that I need to fit anyone else’s mold or explain my choices. It’s a part of my self-expression, one that I use to feel confident and centered.

One of my clients recently shared a funny yet powerful thought: “I can’t control everything in my life, but I can control how I show up in the world and I choose not to be ugly.” Taking care of yourself, whether that’s through your hair, your clothes, or your vibe, is about reclaiming what’s yours. It’s not about meeting someone else’s standards; it’s about loving yourself unapologetically.

To my clients who share this journey with me: I see you. I understand the weight of these expectations because I’ve carried them too. My goal is to create a space where you feel safe, seen, and validated. A space where you can explore what self-care means to you and reclaim it as a tool for your own liberation.

For the Girls Who Get It

This is for the girls who were told, “This ain’t no fashion show,” for putting on lip gloss in class. For the ones who’ve canceled plans because their hair wasn’t done. For the ones who’ve been made to feel shallow for caring about their appearance.

You are allowed to care about how you look. You’re allowed to pour into yourself unapologetically. Self-care isn’t about vanity; it’s about showing up for yourself in the ways that matter most to you.

So book the appointment, buy the gloss, and rock whatever style makes you feel like your best self. And when you do? Do that shit well.

What’s Your Take?

Have you experienced hair depression or felt judged for how your vanity choices? How do you reclaim your self-care? Let’s talk! I’d love to hear how you’re showing up for yourself.

Practical Tools and Guides

1. Hair Care Planner: My Self Care Planner is on sale! Get it here for $6.

2. Myavana AI

   • An app that offers personalized hair care advice based on your specific hair type and goals.

   Books

   1. “Twisted: The Tangled History of Black Hair Culture” by Emma Dabiri

   2. “You Are Your Best Thing” by Tarana Burke and Brené Brown

   3. “The Little Book of Self-Care for Black Women” by Oludara Adeeyo

Balancing Hustle, Rest, and Faith: Healing While Grinding

Balancing Hustle, Rest, and Faith: Healing While Grinding

Is this a safe space???? This whole “balance” thing? It’s harder than it looks. Life feels like a constant tug-of-war between grinding for the future and enjoying the present. And if we’re being honest, I think a big part of that struggle comes from financial trauma.

Growing up, I saw my mom hustle to give me opportunities, and I’m forever grateful. But that grind mentality left an imprint. Rest wasn’t really an option…it was something you earned after you’d done the absolute most. Now, as an adult, I find myself battling the same mindset. If I’m not working toward the next goal, I feel like I’m slacking.

Let’s talk about the guilt that creeps in when you take a moment to breathe. Like, I know rest is necessary, but part of me thinks, Why are you sitting when there’s money to be made? And don’t even get me started on the numbers. Between student loans that feel like mortgage payments (AHHHHHH- I’m scurrrred- Biden pleaaaaseeeee) and inflation making $300 disappear faster than I can blink, resting feels like a luxury I can’t afford.

I’m learning this hustle mentality doesn’t come from nowhere. Financial trauma is real, and it can feed the guilt around resting. Watching my mom do what she had to do taught me resilience, but it also made me feel like I have to be in constant motion. Actually, writing this has me thinking that’s something I’ll probably start to unpack in therapy. I guess I’m going to keep my girl employed this year.

Financial trauma can shape our relationship with work and rest. It’s not just about money—it’s about safety, stability, and self-worth. If you’ve ever felt like you can’t pause because everything might fall apart, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you, trying to find peace in the pause.

And don’t forget, rest is not laziness. It’s a reset. It’s a way to show up for yourself and your goals without burning out. And let’s not forget: faith without works is dead, but so is work without balance. One of my major goals is to follow the Philippians scripture: worry about nothing, pray about everything. I know I have everything I need to succeed, and if I don’t, I trust that God will bless me in His timing.

Sometimes I remind myself that not everything has to be a moneymaker. I don’t need to monetize my joy. If I want to dance, bake cookies, or binge my favorite show, I don’t need to package it into a side hustle. Shoutout to the creatives turning hobbies into incomes, but some things can just be for us.

This week, I’m focusing on balance. Which is why this blog is coming out a 4PM and not 10AM, thanks for being patient with me. I’m meeting my financial goals, working on my business, and still making time to rest. Balance, for me, means aligning my actions with my values—praying, grinding, resting, and repeating. It’s not perfect, and I’m still figuring it out, but that’s the beauty of it.

Let’s figure this out together. We’re in this mess of life, loans, and living well as a team. Whether you’re working a 9-to-5, building a business, or doing both, let’s remind each other that it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to grind. It’s okay to trust that we’re on the right path.

Resources for Reflection and Growth

• Books:

  • We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (Black voices on building wealth while living your best life)

  • The Joy of Missing Out by Tonya Dalton (On balance and saying no to hustle culture)

  • Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Hersey

  • The Black Girl's Guide to Financial Freedom by Paris Woods

  • Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

• Articles and Blogs:

  • Rest as Resistance: The Nap Ministry’s Guide to Slowing Down (Tricia Hersey's reflections on the power of rest)

  • The Budgetnista Blog by Tiffany Aliche (Financial empowerment for balance and freedom)

• My Digitial Planner and Self Care Bundle is on SALE, now for $10

  So, what does balance look like for you this week? What’s working for you right now? What’s hard? Drop your thoughts below—this community is here for all of it! Let’s chat about in the comments.

Stepping into 2025: Reflections, Intentions, and Building the Year You Deserve

Y’all, 2025 is knocking at the door, and it’s not just another year. It’s the year. The year I turn 30. Yup, 30. And it feels like a whole vibe. There’s excitement, there’s reflection, and there’s a deep sense of pride in how far I’ve come. Let’s talk about it.

2024 was messy in the best ways possible. It was full of growth, uncertainty, and the kind of change that makes you uncomfortable but also makes you stronger. If you’ve been following along, you know I’ve been doing the work—mentally, emotionally, and in business—and I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming. It’s been a year of leaning into discomfort, setting boundaries, and saying “yes” to more of what aligns with the life I actually want, not the one I thought I was supposed to have.

Reflecting on 2024: The Wins, the Lessons, and the Growth

Okay, 2024—you showed up and surprised me. At the beginning of the year, I had it all figured out, I was supposed to walk the stage and get my masters degree and then jump the broom and have this nice wedding (ummmm, more on this later). Looking back, I’m honestly grateful for every challenge, every lesson, and every little win. I did things I once thought were out of my reach, and I’m not talking about just the “big stuff” like:

• Graduating with my master’s degree (YES, I did that!)

• Building my community of first-gen folks (I’m officially not alone, and that feels so damn good)

• Starting a blog (and it’s actually getting read—dafuqqqqwhat??)

• Finally starting to show up for myself, even when it was hard

But you know what? It wasn’t about checking things off a list. It was about growth. I’ve learned more about patience, resilience, and the beauty of embracing the messy middle. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become, and I’m not done yet. In fact, I’m just getting started.

Entering 30: A Year of Intentionality

So, 30. I’ve been waiting for this moment. But instead of feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it, I’m excited. I’m excited because I’m stepping into a new decade with lessons from my twenties under my belt. I’m not running from the past; I’m bringing it with me as fuel for the future.

This year, I’m not setting some rigid list of resolutions. What do we call that? Growth. This is about intentions. It’s about feeling into the year, checking in with myself, and setting the tone for what’s to come. My number one intention for 2025? To be grounded, to trust my decisions, and to create a year that aligns with who I am right now, not who I thought I should be.

Here’s what I’m doing:

• Locking in with God. I’m starting the year with a fast to realign my spirit, focus my mind, and let God order my steps. I ordered a new bible which is nice and had chatgpt create a plan for me based on what I am experiencing and want to learn. If you’re looking for a new bible check this one out.

• Creating balance. This has been one of my biggest lessons this year. I used to think I had to either grind until burnout or rest too much and feel stuck. But now, I’m embracing the art of balance. Resting and working are both necessary, and I’m learning how to give myself permission to do both.

30 is about stepping into the fullness of who I am—without apology—and being okay with the fact that I don’t have it all figured out. And guess what? That’s okay.

Building Habits That Create Change: How my Planners Keep Me On Track (And Look Good Doing It)

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that big transformations come from small, everyday habits. Last year, I proved to myself that showing up for myself doesn’t need to be a huge, dramatic thing. It’s in the little details. So this year, I’m leaning into a few things that keep me grounded, organized, and feeling my best. Planners have been a game changer for me. You know I love to keep my life organized, but it’s not just about getting things done. It’s about nurturing my body, mind, and soul in the process. That’s why I created a 2025 Digital Planner and a Self-Care Planner , and let me tell you, they’re not just about schedules—they’re about making sure I show up for myself, inside and out. I used to be a girl who grabbed every pretty planner I seen but would not stick to them, I created a digital planner that can work for me. I use it on my iPAD and have it accessible on my phone for a nice reminder.

They’re not just planners—they’re your guide to staying intentional, focused, and aligned with your goals.

• Daily, weekly, and monthly layouts to help you manage your time.

• Self-care trackers for everything from skincare to affirmations. I’m talking about hair calendars, product lists, and skin habit trackers.

• Budget sheets to keep your finances on track (because yes, we’re leveling up in all areas)

I started using these planners in 2024, and I’ve seen real progress. I look back now, and I can see that I had more good days than bad. I tracked my moods, and when I went through the sheets in my planner, especially the mood tracker and monthly log—I noticed something powerful. More of my days were highlighted in pink (good vibes) than blue (those low energy moments). That’s what it’s all about, y’all. It’s easy to get caught up in New Year’s resolutions and focus on what we didn’t do, but we’ve gotta remember to celebrate what we DID do. We had fun, we grew, and we’re better than we were at the start of the year.

Here’s how I’m using my planner this year:

• Taking care of my skin & hair. Yeah, I’m talking about feeling good. I’m keeping my self-care rituals strong. Taking care of my skin and hair isn’t just about looking good—it’s about FEELING good. Because when I look in the mirror and see my best self, it gives me that energy to show up as my best self in the world.

• Tracking my wins. I’m journaling, logging my wins, and staying present. This year, I’m all about recognizing the good in every day. No more waiting for the "big wins" to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’m journaling, logging those little moments, and staying present. The more I focus on the good, the more good I see. It’s all about shifting your mindset, and these planners make that shift easier.

• Staying intentional with my time. Time is my most precious resource, and I’m getting intentional about how I use it. No more wasting time on things or people that don’t align with my vision.Time is everything. I’m learning how precious it is and how to use it wisely. Gone are the days of wasting time on things or people that don’t align with my vision. When I use my planners, I feel like my time is more intentional, and I’m not just running through the motions. The stress is reduced, and my brain is finally clear. I get stuff done and actually enjoy it.

• Building the life I want. The journal has space for a vision board and inspirations, I’m using visualization techniques by clipping my pinterest inspo into those pages to help me go after what I want.

These might seem small, but trust me—they add up. And when things feel chaotic, these habits help me stay grounded. I made these planners for me because I wanted something that helped me keep track of the day-to-day while staying aligned with my bigger goals. But after seeing the impact they’ve had, I want to share them with you. I genuinely believe these planners can help you be more intentional with your time, track your wins, and take care of yourself in the process. It’s all about creating the space for balance, growth, and joy.

So, if you’re ready to make 2025 the year you show up for yourself every day, my planners are here to help you get there. It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress. Let’s track our wins, keep our beauty rituals on point, and make sure we’re using our time wisely, together.

A Challenge for You: Start Your Year with Intention

I want you to start 2025 differently. Let’s set intentions, not just goals. Instead of running to the gym on January 1st and trying to check every box, let’s do something that feels good. Reflect on 2024—what did you learn? What are you proud of? Then, set your intentions. How do you want to feel this year? Heavy on the FEEEL! What habits will help you get there?

I’m doing a challenge with myself and I want you to join me. Let’s keep each other accountable in making 2025 the year we build the life we deserve. This is about progress, not perfection. We’ve got this.

Here’s to Us: A Year of Growth and Gratitude

2025 is my year, and I know it’s yours too. But it’s not about chasing perfection. It’s about celebrating our wins, no matter how small, and being open to the fact that what we wanted yesterday might not be what we need today—and that’s okay.

I’m proud of where I’ve come, and I’m excited about where I’m going. Here’s to a year of growth, gratitude, and doing the work—together.

Ready to step into 2025 with intention? Join me in this challenge, and let’s build a year of growth, abundance, and self-love. I’ve got the tools to help you get there. Let’s do this.

Grab your 2025 Digital Planner & Self Care Bundle and leave a review, please.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1850288075/2025-digital-planner-self-care-planner?click_key=8fdf6b3805165c6398aa37390a18e27e1ea65792%3A1850288075&click_sum=0a84e724&ref=related-1

Love y’all. See y’all in the New Year

Should I ghost my friends?

Message: Dear Ken, I love this blog it is so needed for the times we in and I feel like I am getting good advice from my big sister, I want to see you win with this. I'm writing in hoping you can give me some insight and tips on moving forward. You talked about how important it is to have community and how important your friends are to you in helping you. I'm 25 and realizing I dont have that and its so sad because I have "friends". I think I am outgrowing my friends because I really just want people around me who are trying to reach their goals and live the life of our dreams like I don't want to always go to brunch and yap. I feel like we aren't really reaching our full potential and I should meet new people. People who want to talk about business and growth. Broke people should never laugh and I'm getting annoyed because why are we going out to brunch if we still punching a clock. Will my friends be my downfall if I don't move around? Should I tell them why we can't be friends or just fall back, I'm not good at conflict so I don't want to make it something bigger. What do you think Thank you in advance.

Response

Hey Bria, I hear you, but I don’t completely feel where you’re coming from. You’d probably hate me and my girls because we are total “yap queens.” We definitely aren’t sitting around talking business analytics all the time. But here’s the thing — I’m a self-driven girl, and I happen to be surrounded by other self-driven people. We keep each other accountable, talk about our goals, and even help each other out — but that’s only about 20% of our relationship. The rest is love, fun, and pure connection.

I’m strict with these men, but not strict with my girls. Friendships need grace and understanding, not rules and judgment. If you’re craving more goal-oriented conversations, start by asking your friends if they’re open to creating space for that. But be mindful — assuming your friends don’t care about their futures or aren’t goal-oriented just because they’re not in the same headspace as you is dangerous territory. That’s a you problem, not theirs.

Don’t hold contempt thinking you’re “better” because brunch doesn’t feel right to you right now. People are in different seasons of life, and that’s okay. If you want your circle to shift, start with yourself. Put in the energy and effort to be the person you want to attract. Whether your friends join you on that path or not, you’ll find your tribe as long as you’re true to yourself.

Now, about ghosting: Don’t do it. Ghosting is an immature way to deal with discomfort. Instead, be honest but kind. Let them know how you’re feeling — that you’re shifting your focus and looking to connect with people who align with your current goals. That way, you leave the door open for the friendship to evolve rather than slamming it shut.

At the end of the day, life is about balance. Friendships aren’t one-dimensional. You can laugh over brunch and also help each other grow — the two aren’t mutually exclusive. If your current friends don’t vibe with the growth you’re craving, that’s fine. Just don’t burn bridges or let assumptions get in the way of meaningful connections. Your energy will naturally attract the right people, but only if you’re leading with love, not judgment.

Hope that helps! Keep shining and building the life you want!

Loving the Process: Finding Beauty in the Messy Middle

The end of the year hits differently, doesn’t it? Especially when everyone else is out here posting highlight reels: promotions, engagements, new babies, glowing “2024 has been my year” captions. And then there’s you—staring at your phone, wondering if the universe skipped over your RSVP.

If this is hitting a little too close to home, let me remind you of something: the messy middle isn’t the end of your story. In fact, it’s where the magic begins.

This is why I’m obsessed with Capri Delgato’s journey in the Delgato series by Jahquel J. This weekend I finished her story in Capri 3.5 and I was in tears. Her story? It’s real, raw, and way too relatable. Capri didn’t just wake up one day with her life perfectly put together. She cried through her struggles, faced the fear of starting over, and stumbled through the “What now?” moments. And the best part? She came out on the other side stronger, happier, and living a life she never thought she’d have.

Let’s get into it—how Capri Delgato’s messy middle can teach us to embrace our own, especially when everyone else seems to have it all figured out.

The Truth About the “Messy Middle”

Here’s the thing: nobody posts about the messy middle. Nobody’s out here bragging about how they cried themselves to sleep or how they barely scraped by. But that’s exactly where Capri’s story begins.

After losing this forced “happily ever after”, Capri felt lost. Her life wasn’t what she imagined it would be, and she didn’t know what the next chapter looked like. Sound familiar? That’s because the messy middle is where so many of us find ourselves—confused, unsure, and overwhelmed by everything we don’t have figured out. This girl had me STRESSED throughout the series, sis was the definition of doing it for the plot.

But Capri’s story reminds us that the messy middle isn’t the end. It’s the bridge that takes you to everything you’ve been praying for—even if it feels like the longest, bumpiest bridge in the world.

What To Do When You’re in the Mess

If you’re looking at the end of the year and feeling like you didn’t “win” 2024, let me be real with you: your life doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s highlight reel. And honestly, if you’re in the messy middle, here’s how you can embrace it:

1. Stop Comparing Your Process to Their Finish Line

Capri wasn’t scrolling through Instagram comparing her tears to someone else’s wedding photos. (Okay, maybe she was, but she didn’t stay there.) Your timeline isn’t their timeline. Their wins don’t cancel out your growth. You’re not behind—you’re exactly where you need to be, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

2. Let Yourself Be Messy

Let yourself feel all of it—the sadness, the frustration, the loneliness. We get used to pushing it down or faking a smile, which is unfair to our reality. So, if you’re in the messy middle, give yourself permission to be messy. Cry if you need to. Write a list of everything that’s pissing you off. It’s okay not to have it all together. Nobody does.

3. Find the Lesson in the Chaos

Capri’s messy middle wasn’t pretty, but it was necessary. It was through the tears and confusion that she found clarity, learned who she was, and built the foundation for the life she always wanted. Your mess isn’t pointless. It’s teaching you something—about yourself, about life, about what you want.

4. Remember That the Story Isn’t Over

Capri’s full-circle moment hit hard because she didn’t give up. Everything she thought she’d lost—love, stability, happiness—came back to her, and then some. Whatever you’re crying over now? That’s just one chapter. The story isn’t over yet.

Heading Into the New Year

Here’s the real talk: the end of the year doesn’t have to mean a neat, tied-up bow on your life. Sometimes, it just means survival. And that’s okay.

Capri Delgato’s story is proof that the messy middle doesn’t define you—it prepares you. So, if you’re feeling stuck, uninspired, or like you didn’t “win” 2024, let me remind you:

• You’re not behind.

• Your timeline isn’t broken.

• Your messy middle is leading you to something bigger.

When midnight strikes on December 31st, don’t stress about setting resolutions to magically fix your life. Instead, embrace the fact that the mess you’re in right now is part of the process. The tears you cry today are watering the seeds of growth. The struggles you’re facing now are shaping you into the person who’s ready for what’s next.

Capri didn’t rush her journey. She didn’t try to skip the pain. She stayed in it, leaned into the process, and came out stronger on the other side. And you can, too.

Let’s Toast to the Mess

So, here’s my challenge for you as the year wraps up: stop wishing for the good part and start loving the process—even the messy, uncomfortable, tear-filled parts. Because one day, you’ll look back and realize that the mess wasn’t just part of your story—it was the part that made everything else possible.

Your full-circle moment is coming. And trust me, it’s going to be worth the wait.

What’s Your “Messy Middle” Moment?

We’ve all been there—stuck in the chaos, wondering if we’ll ever reach the other side. What’s one lesson you’ve learned while navigating your own messy middle? Or, what’s something you’re still figuring out?

Let’s start a conversation in the comments—your story might inspire someone else who’s in the thick of it right now.

This Week’s Resources

• Delgato Series by Jahquel J
  Follow Capri Delgato’s journey in this raw and relatable series that explores love, loss, and finding yourself. Jahquel J’s storytelling highlights the power of growth, even through heartbreak. (Series starts at Capone -> Cappadonna -> Capri. Fair warning, it gets nasssttyyyy).

• We’re Going to Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union
  A collection of essays about life’s highs and lows, offering a real and vulnerable perspective on navigating challenges.

• You Are Your Best Thing edited by Tarana Burke and Brené Brown
  An anthology of Black voices sharing their stories of vulnerability and resilience.

• The Sisters Are Alright by Tamara Winfrey Harris
  A love letter to Black women, dismantling stereotypes and celebrating the beauty of imperfection.

Podcasts

• The Read
  Kid Fury and Crissle’s hilarious yet heartfelt conversations touch on everything from pop culture to navigating life’s challenges.

• Therapy for Black Girls
  Dr. Joy Harden Bradford delivers practical advice on mental health and self-care for Black women.

• Balanced Black Girl
  A motivational podcast with actionable tips to grow through life’s messiness while honoring your journey.

• Black Girl in Om
  Focused on holistic wellness and self-care, perfect for finding grounding in chaotic moments.

Journaling Prompts

• What would my 10-year-old self think of who I am now?

• What part of my journey am I most proud of, even if it didn’t go as planned?

• What would it look like to give myself grace in this season?

• Who inspires me, and why?

• Journals and Tools

  • The Remedy Journal by Intrinsme
    This beautifully designed journal offers prompts and reflections to help you find clarity, focus, and healing during the messiest moments. It’s the perfect companion for embracing your growth journey.

Social Media and Online Communities

• The Nap Ministry (@thenapministry)
  A reminder to rest and take care of yourself as an act of resistance and self-love.

• Alex Elle (@alex_elle)
  Daily doses of gentle reminders, journaling prompts, and encouragement for life’s middle moments.

• Black Women Healing Pod (@blackwomenhealingpod)
  A safe space for Black women to explore healing, mental health, and self-compassion.

Books & Resources for Growth

• Black Girls Must Die Exhausted by Jayne Allen
  A heartwarming and honest exploration of life’s challenges, friendships, and self-discovery.

• It’s Not All Downhill from Here by Terry McMillan
  A powerful story about reinvention and finding joy even when life throws curveballs.

Affirmations for the Messy Middle

• “I am not behind; I’m exactly where I need to be.”

• “My pace is mine, and it is enough.”

• “This chapter is part of my story, and it has value.”

• “I will celebrate the small wins because they lead to big victories.”

Professional Support

• Therapy for Black Girls Directory
  A resource for finding Black therapists who can help you navigate the mess with compassion and understanding.

• HealHaus
  A wellness space centered around healing for people of color, offering virtual therapy, yoga, and meditation.

• Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective (BEAM)
  A community supporting Black mental health and emotional well-being.

From Panic to Peace: A Black Girl's Guide to Living with Anxiety and PTSD

Let’s get one thing straight right from the jump: I did not grow up in a family that talked about mental health. Therapy? Who’s she? Anxiety? Not for Black folk—at least, that’s what they told us.

I grew up in a "pray it away" household. Feeling overwhelmed? Just take it to the Lord. Can’t focus? Child, go drink some ginger tea. Having panic attacks? Now, you know we don’t do that in this house.

And listen, I love my family, but back then, mental health care wasn’t even in question. It wasn’t something we discussed. Therapy felt like a foreign concept. Anxiety? They’d act like I was making it up or, worse, “acting out.”

But here’s the truth: I wasn’t acting out. I was struggling. And, unfortunately, nobody in my life had the language to help me figure that out.

Anxiety and Black Girlhood: The Trouble with “Attitude”

Let me tell you something about anxiety—it’s sneaky, and it wears a million disguises. For me, anxiety didn’t just show up as trembling hands or panic attacks. Sometimes, it showed up as irritability. And if you’re a Black girl, you already know how that story ends: What’s with the attitude? Fix your face. You always gotta be so snappy.

My anxiety would bubble up as frustration, and that frustration got me into trouble more times than I care to admit. I wasn’t trying to be rude; I was overwhelmed. But instead of anyone asking what was wrong, they’d say, “Stop acting grown” or “Don’t bring that mess in here.”

This is what happens when society ties us to the Strong Black Woman schema—that unspoken rule that says we’re supposed to handle everything without breaking a sweat. Black women are taught to bear pain, push through, and never let them see us cry. It’s exhausting. But let me tell you: being “strong” doesn’t mean burning yourself out trying to meet impossible standards. It’s okay to be human, to ask for help, to let yourself feel. That’s strength, too.

When "Good Enough" Is Never Enough

I didn’t realize how much of my anxiety stemmed from this need to be perfect at everything. Growing up, it felt like I was either making straight A’s or failing at life. There was no in-between.

The pressure to succeed—to prove myself, to avoid making mistakes, to not mess up because the stakes were too high—was suffocating. And when I wasn’t perfect (because spoiler alert: nobody is), my anxiety would eat me alive.

I was stuck in this loop: overachieve, burn out, beat myself up, repeat. Perfectionism wasn’t just about excelling; it was about survival. And that’s a hard cycle to break, especially when you feel like the world expects you to have it all together 24/7.

For Us (Not) By Us

One thing I wish more people understood is that anxiety doesn’t always look like hyperventilating or crying in a corner. For me—and for many Black women—it shows up as:

• Constantly feeling on edge, like I’m bracing for something bad

• Snapping at people over little things

• Difficulty relaxing (because who has time to rest when the world is burning?)

• Overthinking and replaying conversations in my head, looking for where I went “wrong”

In the Club, We All Fam

Anxiety isn’t my enemy. In fact, I’ve started to personify her—yep, I gave my anxiety a whole personality. And guess what? I’m not mad at her anymore. She means well. She’s just trying to keep me safe, even if she goes about it all wrong sometimes. Anxiety makes sure I pay my bills on time, she makes sure I pack must haves for vacation.

When I stopped fighting her and started listening, my reaction to her changed. Instead of spiraling, I can say, “I see you, girl. I know you’re here because you care. But I’ve got this. You can sit this one out.”

You’re not Broken, your Body is Doing its Job.

It’s been helpful for me to understand why my body was betraying me when anxiety or trauma popped up. Let me explain it to you, free of charge. Imagine your body has this super smart security system. It’s always on guard, watching for threats—like that messy coworker, a bad date, or even that one auntie who always comes with shade, we call it the vagus nerve. It runs on something called your nervous system, and it’s trying to keep you safe.

But sometimes, it gets confused. It’s like that one car alarm in the neighborhood that goes off for no reason. That’s anxiety and PTSD—they’ve got your body thinking there’s a problem, even when things are fine.

Here’s how it works:

1. Calm and Chill Mode
   When life is good, your body knows it. You feel relaxed, your energy’s balanced, and you’re ready to take on the world. You can laugh at jokes, handle stress without flipping out, and just vibe. This is where we all want to live but for people with anxiety and PTSD, it’s not always easy to hang out here.

2. Fight or Flight Mode
   Let something stressful happen, and BAM! Your body hits the panic button. Your heart races, your muscles tighten, and you feel like you’ve got to fight or run. This is your body thinking, Girl, we’re in danger! Anxiety often parks you here, keeping you on edge for no reason.

3. Shut Down Mode
   And if the stress gets too much—like overwhelming much—your body might just give up. You feel drained, numb, like you’re on autopilot. You’re not being lazy, sis; your body’s just trying to protect itself by checking out.

Healing Tools That Help Me Thrive

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably wondering: Okay, but how do I deal with anxiety when it shows up? Let me drop some gems on what’s helped me:

Affirmations & Mantras: One of my favorites is straight out of Philippians 4:6—“Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.” I repeat this to myself when I feel anxiety creeping in, combining it with deep breathing. And let me tell you, it’s chef’s kiss.

Sound Healing: Green noise (think rain, waves, or wind) has been a game-changer for me. Add some sound bowls and frequency noise? Listen, my brain feels like it’s doing yoga. It’s grounding, it’s clarifying, and it’s peaceful.

Butterfly Hug: Cross your arms over your chest, hands on your shoulders, and gently tap. It’s simple but powerful. It helps me calm my nervous system when anxiety tries to hijack my body. Check out this video to see it in action.

Exercise and TIPP: Working out helps me sweat out the stress (and feel snatched). And when I’m in distress, I use TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Relaxation) to bring myself back to calm.

Self-Compassion and Humor: Let’s be real—healing is messy. I’ve learned to give myself grace, to rest when I need to, and to laugh at myself when I take things too seriously.

Safe Spaces: Being around people who make you feel seen and supported can calm your body faster than you think. Therapy or even a FaceTime with your bestie can help you get back to center.

The Bigger Picture

At the end of the day, my anxiety isn’t my enemy. I’ve learned to see her as a part of me that’s just trying to protect me. She’s not out to hurt me—she’s just loud and dramatic sometimes. (I mean, same.)

Through therapy, faith, and these tools, I’ve gone from feeling like anxiety controlled my life to realizing that I’m in the driver’s seat. Healing isn’t linear, but it’s worth every step.

As you navigate this journey of understanding and managing anxiety, remember this wisdom from the late, great Nikki Giovanni

"Once you know who you are, you don’t have to worry anymore."

For Black women, this is a reminder to embrace the strength, depth, and complexity of who we are—beyond the labels, the stereotypes, and even the expectations we sometimes place on ourselves. Healing starts with knowing and owning your truth. When you can do that, worry starts to lose its power.

So, let’s keep doing the work: finding balance, leaning on our practices, and rewriting the narratives that don’t serve us. Be proud of every step, no matter how small. You've got this.

Now, go take a deep breath, play some green noise, and give yourself a Butterfly Hug. You deserve it.

Books I’ve enjoyed on this Journey:

The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health by Dr. Rheeda Walker

Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans

Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual by Luvvie Ajayi Jones

Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Herse

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting by Terrie M. Williams

Be Anxious for Nothing: Finding Calm in a Chaotic World by Max Lucado

Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit by Queen Afua

Dear Ken… My boyfriend got another girl pregnant

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Letter

Hey Ken, I read through all your posts while I was getting a pedicure and fell in love with your writing. I need some advice......I been with my boyfriend since college. I am now 23, I graduated and moved to Atlanta and recently he has been staying with me because he is relocating for work. We had conversations about moving in together and taking the relationship to the next steps and I was kind of apprehensive about it because something wasn't feeling right. We went to school in Virgina and he was living out there but wanted some better opportunities so I told him to come here and he ended up getting something in his field. So boom this where the story starts, I DID NOT GO THROUGH HIS PHONE- but his apple watch was in the bathroom and I forgot my phone and needed entertainment so I explored it some. I seen some messages between him and this girl that was inappropriate and I scrolled up to discover he got her pregnant in July. I know they got an abortion because the texts were arguments and she brought it up, the texts were from last year up into last month. I feel like this is so disrespectful and unbelievable, when I approached him about it he got defensive about me going through his things and then apologized and was pleading. I am so over the relationship but he is making me feel like I am in the wrong for wanting to throw away the relationship. He says that this is just a bump in the road and she got an abortion so that's why he did not tell me because he hasn't cheated since (I promise I'm not dumb I know what you probably thinking) I feel so dirty too because we have been having sex unprotected for years so why would he expose me like this t`o something by having sex with someone else. I want to leave but this is my apartment and he has no where to go. Am I wrong for wanting to putting him out and wanting to be single over this hiccup? Any advice on this and healing through a heartbreak would be so appreciated, thank you girl.

Response

Hey babe,

PREGNANTTTT??!!! This situation is a lot, and I don’t think you’re dumb. I’m proud of you for reaching out because you deserve to be heard and supported through this.

Now, let’s be real—he’s trash. Ain’t no sugarcoating that. You found out he was messing around, getting someone else pregnant, and wasn’t even upfront about it. That's disrespectful, and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. The fact that he's flipping it on you and making you feel bad for wanting to leave? Sis, that’s manipulation at its finest. If a man is gonna have one thing, its audacity. You’re allowed to walk away from that.

You’re 23, girl. Too young to be out here stressing over someone who can’t even respect you enough to be honest. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, and you do not need to be stuck with someone who’s playing games. A relationship should bring you peace, not make you question your worth or make you feel like you're in the wrong for wanting something real.

Also, I see you went through his Apple Watch for entertainment—lmao, I’m dead! I’m not mad at you lmaoooo.

As for him having nowhere to go: don’t get in the habit of making someone comfortable at the expense of your own comfort. You’ve been letting him stay with you, you’ve been opening your home and your heart, and now he’s out here disrespecting both. Don’t let this be a pattern. What you decide today will impact the woman you are tomorrow. When you look back on this moment, do you want to feel good about the choices you made? Do you want the woman you’re becoming to be okay with making decisions that don’t prioritize her own peace? You deserve to be comfortable, to feel safe, and to trust the person you’re with. And, sis, he’s showing you that he’s not the one to provide that.

Look, I work with couples who’ve been through affairs and betrayal in therapy. So, let me tell you, I’m not here to judge your decisions. I support anyone who wants to try and work through things after betrayal, but at the end of the day, it’s about what feels right for you. I tell all my clients who’ve gone through similar situations—lean on your values. What would your values tell you to do in this situation? Because that’s what’s gonna lead you to the right decision for your heart, your peace, and your future. You don’t need to do anything that doesn’t feel right in your soul.

So here’s how I’d suggest moving forward:

1. Feel all the feelings. You’re gonna have a range of emotions, and it’s okay to be mad, sad, confused—all of it. Let yourself process them without feeling guilty.

   1. Turn on that Lemonade Album girly.

2. Space is necessary. Whether it’s cutting contact for a bit or just taking some time to be alone, sometimes you have to protect your energy. Don’t feel bad about creating distance if that’s what you need.

3. Lean on your tribe. Talk to your friends, family—whoever has your back. You need people who will remind you of your worth when you forget.

4. Focus on your healing. Do the things that make you feel good, whether it’s self-care, hitting the gym, or just having a girls' night. You deserve to feel like yourself again.

Girl, trust yourself here. You know what’s best for you. You’ve got a whole future ahead of you, and this is just one chapter. Don’t let this dude or anyone else take your peace.

I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this. ❤️

Decentering Men/Women: How Shifting Generational Expectations Can Lead to Healthier Lives

Let’s have a real conversation about something that keeps coming up: the idea of making someone else—whether that’s a man, woman, or anyone you love—the center of your universe. Spoiler alert: it’s not healthy, no matter how cute they are or how good they look in a tailored suit or flowy dress.

This isn’t about bashing men or women. It’s about looking at how centering your life on anyone can make you lose sight of who you are. And trust me, that’s the quickest way to burn out, miss out, and wake up one day wondering where you went.

The College Pressure: "Find Your Partner by Graduation"

When I went to Syracuse, I saw it firsthand. People out here treating college like it was a husband-or-wife-finding competition. We were 18, still figuring out how to do use Blackboard, and some people already had “ring by spring” energy. I mean, I get it—independence can feel scary, and a partner might seem like a shortcut to stability.

And listen, I got caught up too. There was a time when I thought I was madly in love. Looking back? I can’t even tell you why I felt that way. Maybe it was because he was fine, could read a book without struggling, and sh*t he was fine.

That pressure to find someone isn’t just a college thing, though. In the first-gen community, it’s deep. The way I see it, you’re often expected to pick a lane: either find someone to build a family with (and carry the weight of generational caregiving) or focus on becoming the boss who takes care of everyone else. But why does it have to be one or the other?

What Happens When You Center a Partner

Here’s the hard truth: when you make someone the center of your life, you start living for them instead of yourself. You’re not chasing your dreams; you’re making decisions based on how they’ll fit into their life. And over time, that becomes exhausting—for both of you.

For men, this might look like feeling the constant pressure to “provide” or be the emotional rock, even when you’re barely holding yourself together. For women, it can show up as pouring everything into being the caretaker, leaving no room for your own goals or well-being. Either way, it’s unsustainable.

A healthy relationship isn’t about one person doing all the heavy lifting. It’s about both people showing up, doing the emotional labor, and creating a partnership that allows both of you to grow.

Decentering Your Partner: The Key to Thriving

Let me be clear: I’m not saying relationships aren’t important. I love my man deeply. But I love me even more. And I’ve made it a point not to let my life revolve around him. I’ve learned that love is about addition, not subtraction and have built a life that honors both of us without making him the center of my universe.

Why? Because I’ve seen what happens when people lose themselves in their relationships. They stop dreaming big. They stop taking risks. They stop being curious about the world because they’re too busy trying to be the perfect partner.

When you decenter your partner, you create space for yourself. You make room to explore your passions, set goals, and build a life that fulfills you—so that when you do come together as a couple, you’re bringing your full, authentic self to the table.

For First-Gens: Breaking the Mold

As a first-gen twenty-something, the stakes feel higher. Your family sacrificed a lot to get you to where you are, and there’s this expectation to carry that forward. For women, that might look like finding a partner who can help you provide for the next generation. For men, it’s often about being the backbone of the family.

But what if we flipped the script? What if the best way to honor those sacrifices was to live authentically, to chase your dreams, and to build relationships that complement your life instead of consuming it?

I’m choosing to live in the gray area. I want to build a thriving career and a loving family—not one at the expense of the other. I want my kids to see what a balanced, healthy life looks like, so they don’t feel the same pressure to choose between success and love.

Emotional Labor: A Shared Responsibility

One thing I have to talk about is emotional labor. It’s that invisible work that keeps relationships running—the check-ins, the planning, the caretaking. And if it’s falling on one person (often the woman, but not always), it’s a problem.

Men, this is your cue to show up emotionally. Women, this is your reminder to let people take accountability for their part in the relationship. Everyone deserves a partner, not a therapist or a parent.

Also, can we make a pact to take the podcast mics away from anyone who hasn’t done the work to heal through their own stuff? Because we don’t need more relationship advice from people projecting their unprocessed trauma.

Finding Yourself Outside the Relationship

At the end of the day, your relationship should be a part of your life—not your whole life. Whether you’re single, dating, or married, your happiness starts with you.

Take yourself on solo dates. Pursue hobbies that make you lose track of time. Set boundaries that protect your peace. Because the better you know and love yourself, the better you can show up in any relationship.

Decentering for the Future

When you stop centering your life around a partner, you start living for yourself—and that’s when the magic happens. You open yourself up to new experiences, deeper connections, and a life that feels true to who you are.

So whether you’re navigating first-gen pressures, figuring out your next move, or just trying to find balance, remember this: you are whole on your own. Your relationship should be a bonus, not the foundation.

Let’s build lives that honor where we come from without losing sight of who we are. Because you, my friend, deserve to thrive.

Let’s Do This Together

We’re all about community here, so let’s make this a shared journey. This week, I challenge you to:

1. Journal It Out: Take 10 minutes to reflect on this question: “What do I want for my life outside of my relationship?” Be honest, dream big, and don’t hold back.

2. Solo Time Challenge: Pick one thing to do just for you this week. It could be a solo coffee date, trying out that yoga class you’ve been eyeing, or just curling up with a book.

When you’ve done one (or both), come share your experience with the community! Drop a comment, DM me, or tag me on TikTok @ADoseofKen with what you did and how it felt. Let’s inspire each other to prioritize ourselves—because we deserve it.

Resources to Help You Get There

Want to dive deeper? Here are some books from Black voices to help you balance love, life, and everything in between:

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

• All About Love by bell hooks

• Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde

• We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (because financial independence is a form of self-love too!)

When you’re grounded in who you are, your relationship becomes the cherry on top—not the whole sundae. So here’s to love, but more importantly, here’s to you.

Dear Ken: Career Advice

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Letter

Hi, I enjoyed this blog! I’m in my early 20s and am in grad school, I want to be a therapist and do similar work to what I’ve seen you post about. I follow you on TikTok and seen that you passed your NCE last year. I’m in my practicum now and have no idea how you managed to do that while working. I shared it with my advisor and he told me absolutely not to do that since it is really stressful and such a big year. I plan to take mine immediately after I finish practicum but would like any advice you have for me. And any tips on staying mentally well during this year. It’s only been 4 months and I feel like I am losing it. Annnd (sorry I just have a lot of questions because there’s not a lot of of people in my program that can give me these answers) how did you deal with imposter syndrome when being in the field. Sometimes I can’t believe people are trusting me to do what I do

Response

Hey love,

I feel you! Grad school + practicum + work is a wild ride, and honestly, last year was so hard for me, too. I'm a good planner, but there were times I genuinely wasn’t prepared for how challenging it would be. Like, there were so many breakdowns. Let me shout out my site supervisors because I was truly blessed to be at a site that cared for me, saw me, and allowed me to take up space and unfortunately that is a priviledge. There’s something about practicum that breaks you down as a therapist, but trust me, we all go through it, and you'll get through it too.

Take your breaks—you're human, and you’re going to bend a little. Don’t feel like you need to have it all together right away. I wasn’t super strict with myself, but I was disciplined. I studied for a couple of months using tools like the purple book, Mometrix, and Test.com. Honestly, I’m a good test taker, so if that’s not your thing, be kind to yourself and find what works best for you. I spent two months listening to Dr. Pam’s youtube study sessions all day, every day, during breaks. I was honestly hanging on by a thread at times, and that study time was a lifesaver.

My commute was 45 minutes to an hour one way, and there were days I was so tired that I almost fell asleep behind the wheel. I’d use that time to cry and process the emotional weight of the year. It was draining, but I kept going. There were weeks where I felt like I was doing great and other weeks when I was barely holding it together. I rode my internship like a wave, letting it shape me into the therapist I am today.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during that time was about balance. I overcommitted myself early on, trying so hard to get my hours that I didn’t want to take breaks, especially during the winter when I was already hanging by a strand. That’s when my site supervisor, Becky, stepped in and said, “Kendal, chill.” And that was the moment I realized my success wasn’t defined by my productivity. I learned that I had to prioritize self-care to keep showing up for my clients. And let me tell you, I ended up finishing my hours earlier than expected. My clients kept showing up because I showed up for them—and for myself.

As for imposter syndrome, girl, it’s not something that just goes away. Even now, as I’m out of school, I still battle it. But I know how to handle it now. It doesn’t have the same power over me that it once did. Just know that you're not alone in that feeling. You’re doing great, and people trust you because you know what you’re doing. And remember, you’re not supposed to have everything figured out right now. It's day by day, babe. Day by day.

A few tips for staying mentally well during this stressful time:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings, But Don’t Let Them Define You
  Imposter syndrome thrives on self-doubt. Recognizing that you're feeling it is the first step, but don't let it convince you that you don’t deserve your achievements. Your experiences and hard work have brought you here.

• Keep a “Wins List”
  Write down your accomplishments, whether they’re big or small. Whenever imposter syndrome hits, read through it and remind yourself of the concrete successes that show your competence and growth. Celebrate your journey! I kept a video diary during grad school, every time I look at the clips now it reminds me to hold on and enjoy the moments, they go by.

• Talk to Someone Who Gets It
  Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone helps. Talk to peers, mentors, or supervisors who have walked a similar path. They’ll often reassure you that imposter syndrome is common and share how they deal with it, too.

• Reframe Your Thoughts
  Instead of thinking “I don’t belong here,” try saying, “I’ve earned my place here and I’m still learning.” Focus on progress, not perfection. It's a growth journey, not a destination.

• Lean Into Vulnerability
  Being vulnerable about not having all the answers makes you more relatable and human. When you allow yourself to be open about what you’re learning or struggling with, you build trust with others and validate that it's okay not to know everything.

• Shift Focus From Yourself to Your Clients/Impact
  When you focus on your clients' progress and the impact you're having, it becomes easier to see that what you’re doing matters, even if you’re not feeling 100% sure of yourself.

• Affirmations and Self-Compassion
  Practice saying affirmations like, “I am capable. I deserve to be here. My work matters.” Also, be gentle with yourself; we’re all human, and learning is part of the process. Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd give to a friend.

• Stay Grounded
  Try mindfulness exercises like breathing, body scans, or even just taking a moment to center yourself when you feel that self-doubt creeping in. It’s okay to pause and take a mental break when you need it.

• Remember: Growth Is Messy
  You’ll have highs and lows, but that’s how we grow. Embrace both the successes and struggles; each experience is a building block for your development as a clinician and as a person.

• Seek Support When Needed
  If imposter syndrome is overwhelming, consider seeking therapy or talking to a mentor. It’s okay to seek help to address these feelings and develop healthier coping strategies.

Imposter syndrome isn’t something that disappears overnight, but with time and practice, you’ll develop ways to manage it. It’s just another hurdle in the journey of self-discovery and growth.

• Take breaks: Your work is important, but so are you! Take breaks and do something that brings you joy, even if it's just for a few minutes. For me, simple things like a “Soup Wednesday” or taking a moment to watch the sunset helped keep me grounded.

• Stay active: Whether it’s a quick walk, stretching, or yoga, find time to move. It helps release stress and keeps your body and mind connected.

• Set boundaries: Learn to say no when you’re stretched too thin. Be mindful of your limits and don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being.

• Therapy: You know I was going to say it, therapy was a must during that process and you know why!

Trust me, you’ll get through this. If you want, message me your email and I’d be happy to share my study tools with you. You've got this, and I’m rooting for you! I’ll see you in the field.

Warmlyyyy,
Kennn

Creating a Vision for Your Future (Even When It Feels Uncertain)

Let me set the scene: it was an all-white party, my college besties and I were living our best lives- tipsyyyyyy, the drinks were flowing. At some point in the night, we found ourselves drunkenly running around a table, chanting, “I’m 30 and I’m sexy!” Looking back, it was chaotic and hilarious, but also… kind of profound. I didn’t realize it then, but we were speaking life over ourselves. It was a glittery, tipsy 13 Going on 30 moment—pure Jenna Rink energy.

Now here I am at 29, just a year shy of that “sexy 30” declaration, and I’m living a life I once prayed for. But here’s the kicker: recent events have had me sitting with some hard questions- I can’t wait to spill the tea on that but that’s not what we’re talking about today. It’s been having me like, Wait, God… what exactly was in that prayer? Because while I’m grateful for how far I’ve come, I’m also navigating some big decisions that feel steeped in uncertainty. And you know what? That’s okay.

Before we go further, this isn’t one of those “I’ve got it all figured out” moments—it’s more of a “we’re in this together” vibe. This is a safe space, right? Y’all won’t call the people if you see me crashing out right? Ok, cool. Let’s talk about how to hold space for your dreams, faith, and self-compassion, especially when the road ahead feels unclear.

Speak It into Existence

One thing about me? I’ve always been a dreamer. But dreaming isn’t just about wishful thinking; it’s about planting seeds, even if you don’t know exactly when or how they’ll grow. Take my longtime habit of introducing myself as Dr. Kendal’Spirit. Do I have my PhD yet? Not even close. But claiming it early gave me something to work toward.

And listen, I didn’t just say it for vibes. I started aligning my actions with that vision—earning my master’s degree, building a support system, and exposing myself to the spaces I wanted to be in. I may not have all the answers, but I’m out here taking steps. And when I scroll through my private Pinterest boards filled with dream houses and new cars, I’m not just fantasizing; I’m preparing my heart to receive those blessings when the time is right.

Here’s the takeaway: speak life over yourself, even if you’re unsure of the timing. It’s not about having everything figured out—it’s about honoring the possibility of what could be.

Lean on Faith (and Be Kind to Yourself)

Uncertainty used to terrify me. I liked having plans and control and clear paths. But over the years, I’ve learned to lean into my faith and let go of the need to see the entire road. One of my favorite prayers is simple but powerful: “God, allow Your plan to be better than mine. Align me with where You see me.”

And let me tell you, God is quick to remind me: “Your plan was too small, Kendal.” Every time I think something isn’t working out the way it should, it turns out it’s just making space for something better.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though. There are moments when I feel stuck, scared, or unsure. In those moments, I try to talk to myself the way I would a best friend: It’s okay to not know right now. You’re doing your best. Keep going. Self-compassion is the bridge between where you are and where you’re going, so don’t forget to extend that grace to yourself.

Surround Yourself with the Right People

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you don’t have to figure it all out alone. My support system is everything. When I face a setback, I’m not met with “I told you so” or judgment. Instead, my people are like, “Alright, girl, what’s next? What do you need? Let’s figure it out together.”

That kind of energy is life-changing. It’s why I’m intentional about who I keep close. I don’t need naysayers or people who doubt my dreams—I need people who see my potential, even on days when I don’t.

If you don’t have that yet, start by being that person for yourself. Cheer yourself on. Believe in your ability to figure it out. The right people will find you when you start showing up for yourself.

Give Yourself Permission to Dream Big

Let’s be real: going after the life you want can feel scary, especially when it doesn’t look doable to everyone else—or even to you sometimes. But that’s okay. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to dream big.

For me, dreaming big isn’t just about the end goal—it’s about the process. It’s about figuring it out one step at a time, trusting that I’m being guided, and reminding myself that failure is just a stepping stone. The worst thing I can do is not try.

So when I think about where I’m headed, I remind myself: God’s plan is better than mine. I don’t have to see the whole picture to take the next step. And neither do you.

Let’s Keep Figuring It Out

If you’re in a season of uncertainty, know this: you’re not alone. I’m right there with you, figuring it out as I go, trusting God, and leaning into what feels right. Some days it’s messy, some days it’s magic—but every day, it’s worth it.

So here’s to dreaming big, trusting the process, and giving ourselves the grace to keep going. We’ve got this. Together.

And before I go, I have to give a special shoutout to my girlalalalassss—the Unfriendly, Educated Black Hotties—for walking through this life thing with me. Y’all keep me grounded, inspired, and laughing through it all. We’ve got this. Together.

Tips:

1. Create a mantra: Choose a phrase that embodies your goals, like “I am becoming everything I’m meant to be,” and repeat it daily.

2. Celebrate out loud: Don’t be afraid to share your aspirations in safe spaces. Let yourself believe they’re possible.

3. Vision boards & journals: Document your dreams visually or through writing. Keep them somewhere you can revisit often

4. Find an anchoring prayer or affirmation: Something like, “God, align me with Your plan. Let it be better than mine.”

5. Pause for gratitude: When you’re overwhelmed, take a moment to list what’s going right. It helps shift your perspective.

6. Show yourself grace: Instead of spiraling when plans change, remind yourself that you’re learning and adapting.

7. Do an energy audit: Reflect on how you feel after interacting with people. Keep the ones who uplift you close.

8. Find your “What’s next?” crew: Look for people who brainstorm solutions with you instead of dwelling on problems.

9. Be that person for others: The support you give often mirrors the support you receive.

10. Dream without limits: Ask yourself, What would I want if I knew I couldn’t fail? Let your imagination run wild.

11. Take small, aligned steps: You don’t need to know the entire path—just focus on the next right step.

12. Focus on your “why”: Remember the deeper purpose behind your goals. It’ll keep you motivated when things get hard.

I’d love to hear from you—how are you navigating your own season of uncertainty? What’s helping you dream big, trust yourself, and stay aligned with your faith? Drop a comment and let’s keep this conversation going. We’re all figuring it out together (hopefully I figured out how to put these comments on haha, drop a comment and let me know). 💛

Dear Ken… “Feeling Like I Can’t Take Much More”

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Sarai’s letter

Hey Ken, this blog is so cute and needed and I wanted to write you to get a dose of help cause girl I need it lol. My name is Sarai, I don't mind if you keep my name in I am 26 and work in tech sales I prayed really hard to get into this role and now that I am in it I am feeling ungrateful. This is my second year in it and around the holidays business is overwhelming I am traveling a lot and always feeling like I dont have time to do anything. My hair has been in a bun for too long and I'm sure I have a bald spot lol. On top of that me and my mom have been going at it because I moved out a year ago and have not been spending a lot of time with her. She and my dad are very needy because they have the mentality that since they sacrificed so much for me I have to give my all to them now and I respect that but I literally have nothing. It doesn't help with my stress when I am getting lengthy texts from my mom about how I am ungrateful and should be ashamed at how distant I am. I feel so lost and sad at life right now I love my career and am proud of my accomplishments but damn! I feel like I cannot enjoy it, I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to find a therapist but I don't even know when i will be able to talk to one right now. Any advice on how to push through would be helpful. Thank you

Response

Hey Sarai,

First off, thank you for trusting me with this. Girl, you sound like a powerhouse. You’re out here doing the thing—26, thriving in tech sales, making moves—and even though it feels heavy, you’re doing it. Let me just affirm you right here: you are not alone, and you are absolutely killing it. But whew, it also sounds like burnout is knocking on your door. It happens when you’re giving too much to everything and leaving yourself with crumbs. In order to be the best version of yourself, you have to slow down sometimes and pour into you. Burnout is no stranger to the first gen pop—you’ve gotta know when it’s creeped into the room and politely tell it to get out. Let’s unpack this, because you deserve to thrive, not just survive.

Step 1: Check Those Tanks

You’re running on empty, and in How to Handle Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s (Without Losing Your Sh*t) I mentioned my “tank analogy” before—think of your capacity as multiple tanks: emotional, physical, career, family, etc. Write down where you feel each tank is at right now. Is your self-care tank bone dry? (Sounds like it—sis, please get your hair done, you’ve earned it!) Once you know what’s running low, you can prioritize filling up the ones that matter most.

Step 2: Manage the Overwhelm

Let me put you on to the Eisenhower Matrix It’s a simple tool to help you figure out what’s urgent and important versus what can wait or even be delegated. This tool can be beneficial in getting everything out of your head and on paper, creating a plan for your next moves. I have to use this or I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. With all the work stress and holiday chaos, this can help you focus on what really matters and let go of the fluff.

Step 3: Talk to Your Mom… or Not

Sarai, I don’t know what side of the diaspora you’re on and I’m not trying to get you hurt, but let me say this with my whole chest: talking to your mom might help—or it might leave you with even more stress so lets break it down and give you options. Only you know how she’ll respond. Ultimately remember you can love and respect your parents without sacrificing your sanity.

Talk to Mom:

Next time your mom sends a guilt-inducing text, try saying something like:
"Mom, I love you and value everything you’ve done for me. Right now, I’m navigating a lot with work, and it’s been hard to keep up. I want to spend time with you, but I also need space to recharge so I can show up as my best self. Let’s plan something together soon."
This sets a boundary and reassures her that you care.

Avoid the Guilt Trip:

If having a direct heart-to-heart feels like it’s going to turn into a guilt Olympics, then skip it for now and try these tips instead:

• Set Boundaries in Doses: Instead of diving into heavy conversations, limit interactions to what feels manageable for you. A quick call or text to check in can go a long way without draining your emotional tank. “Ok yeah ma, I was just calling to check in… I gotta go- I’m burning up the rice.”

  • I’ve found setting a consistent schedule to spend time with parents to be helpful. For example, you could designate Fridays to visit them. You might hear things that aren’t ideal, but the goal isn’t to change them—we love our parents, we just need them in manageable doses. So, when they call or text, you can calmly say, “Okay, I’ll see you Friday.” Use whatever emotional tools you need to navigate that time with them, knowing it’s a planned and manageable visit.

• Tag In Some Backup: If you’ve got a sibling or close family member who can help bridge the gap or take some of the pressure off, don’t hesitate to lean on them.

• Reframe the Guilt: Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t disrespectful. Your accomplishments and well-being are a testament to all their sacrifices—and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

  The goal is to show love without sacrificing your sanity. You don’t have to handle this all at once, and it’s okay to take small steps in managing family dynamics. 💛

Step 4: Pour Into Yourself

• Take Breaks Without Guilt:
  Even if it’s small, take time to breathe. Apps like Insight Timer or simple guided meditations (Calm, Breath) can help you pause and reset.

  • Mini Wins Matter: Throw on a face mask, stretch for five minutes, or journal—quick, simple acts can remind you that you matter too.

  • Schedule Joy: Block out a non-negotiable hour for something you love—whether it’s a walk, catching up on your favorite show, or trying a new coffee spot. When I am overwhelmed I picture Joy from Inside Out coming in to “save me” and make me do the things that would make me happy.

• Hair Therapy Is Real:
  Sis, book the hair appointment or do it yourself. A bald spot is willlddd. Having your hair done is not just about looking good; it’s about feeling good. Sometimes, small self-care acts like this are the first step to remembering that you deserve the love and effort you give to everything else.

• Fuel Your Body to Fuel Your Mind:
  When you’re on the go, it’s easy to eat like you’re on autopilot. Mind body connection is real, so try prepping some snacks or meals in advance—think quick but nutrient-packed options that keep your energy steady. This will also cross a task of your mental load.

• Therapy Is Your Friend: Check out Therapy for Black Girls for a directory of therapists. I get you already have so much on your plate but even one session a month can make a difference, choose it to the frequency that works for you. Most therapist are flexible and will work to support you and your schedule, just give them an hour.

  Sarai, you’re doing so much, and I see you out here navigating life with strength. Burnout happens to the best of us—it’s not a sign of failure, but a signal to slow down and recalibrate. You deserve to enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard to build. Take these steps, pour into yourself, and remember: the grind doesn’t define you. You’ve got this. Thanks for writing in boo!

  With love and lattes,
  Ken

The Power of Vulnerability: Why It’s Okay to Not Have Everything Figured Out

Ever feel like you need to have it all together, but you just don’t? Society, family, and even social media often make us feel like we’re failing if our life doesn’t look like a highlight reel. For many, especially Black women, the pressure to embody the "Strong Black Woman" schema can make vulnerability feel like a luxury we can’t afford. But here’s the truth: vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s a superpower.

Societal Pressures to "Have It All Figured Out"
Growing up as the oldest daughter, my family made sure I was laser-focused on my studies. Dating? A distraction. So, I did what I was supposed to—got a degree, built a career, and became financially independent. But now, at 29, my family greets me with, “When will you have babies? When’s the wedding?” UM, WHAT?! Y’all are confusing me.

These unrealistic expectations, especially for first-gen adults, make us feel like we’re always falling short.

A Personal Story of Vulnerability
At 25, my life hit a turning point. I was stuck in a career I’d outgrown, battling anxiety and depression, and grieving the loss of my grandfather. I had no hobbies, no joy, just me and my endless thoughts. Reading Yvonne Orji’s Bamboozled by Jesus was my wake-up call. That book lit a fire under me! It reminded me of my purpose and pushed me to take action.

I admitted to myself that where I was wasn’t where I wanted to be, and from that moment, I committed to change. I started grad school, made a plan for my life, and began walking in my truth.

Pro Tip: Check out Yvonne Orji’s book here.

How Vulnerability Fosters Connection
Letting my guard down helped me connect with amazing people who were meant to be in my life. When you stop pretending everything’s perfect, the right people show up.

Reframing Vulnerability
Vulnerability is growth. Releasing shame and doubt is key. Here’s a tip: journal your thoughts and identify where your shame comes from. Writing helped me rediscover myself and even inspired my business, Product of Therapy and Prayer, which started with selling journals.

The Myth of "Perfectly Put-Together"
Stop comparing yourself to others’ highlight reels. Imperfection is human. Try these journaling prompts to embrace vulnerability:

1. What’s one thing I feel shame about, and why?

2. What would my life look like if I showed up as my authentic self?

3. What’s one step I can take today to let go of perfectionism?

4. How can I love myself when I am not perfect?

Conclusion

No one has it all figured out, and that’s okay. Vulnerability is a tool for self-awareness, connection, and healing. Be kind to yourself—you’re exactly where you need to be.

How to Handle Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s (Without Losing Your Sh*t)

Did you know over 60% of young adults feel stressed about their future? As a Black first-gen adult, stress isn’t just about work or school—it’s the weight of family expectations, cultural pressure, and breaking generational cycles. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Balancing Multiple Roles
As first-gens, we juggle everything: careers, education, family, and friends. It’s overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it all at once. Think of your energy as tanks: emotional, physical, financial, self-care, humor, and romance. If they’re all empty, it’s dangerous. Monitor them and refill as needed!

Understanding Stress and Anxiety
Stress isn’t just in your head. It’s in your body too. High-functioning anxiety and depression can look like “success” to others, but inside, you’re barely holding it together. Recognizing this is the first step.

Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s

💬 "Let’s talk real quick because life be lifin’, and sometimes it’s just a lot. Here’s what’s helped me and might help you too, step by step."

1. Mindfulness: Be Here Now

Mindfulness doesn’t mean sitting cross-legged and chanting (unless that’s your thing). It’s about bringing your attention to this moment.

• Start with this:

  • Sit somewhere comfortable. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, and then let it out for 6 seconds. Do this three times.

  • While you breathe, think: “I am safe. I am here. This moment is enough.”

• When life is loud:

  • Try a “5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise.”

    1. Look around and name 5 things you can see.

    2. Touch 4 things you can feel.

    3. Listen for 3 things you can hear.

    4. Notice 2 things you can smell.

    5. Identify 1 thing you can taste.
       It’s like hitting the “reset” button for your brain.

2. Journaling: Dump It All Out

Girl, journaling isn’t just for teenagers writing about their crushes—it’s your free therapist in a notebook.

• When you’re overwhelmed:

  • Grab a journal (or scrap paper, or your Notes app) and write for 5 minutes. Literally anything. Start with, “Right now, I’m feeling…”

  • Or, try this journal prompt: “What’s one thing I’m proud of today?”

• Want to go deeper?

  • Write a letter to your stress. Be as petty or emotional as you want. (“Dear Stress, why you gotta be like this?”)

  • End the letter by telling it what you’re going to do to take control.

💡 If you need a journal, peep my collection here. Start your journaling journey with intention!

3. Exercise: Move That Body

Listen, you don’t have to be a gym rat for this. Moving your body, even just a little, can quiet your mind.

• Here’s a quick start:

  • Set a timer for 10 minutes. Put on your favorite playlist and dance like nobody’s watching. No choreography, no rules—just vibe.

  • Take a walk. Leave your phone behind or play a podcast (I love “Therapy for Black Girls” or “On Purpose with Jay Shetty”).

• Got gym access?

  • My bestie Megs put me on to ClassPass, and chef’s kiss! Use this link to get a free month. Try yoga, pilates, or boxing to let off steam!

4. Boundaries: Protect Your Peace

Listen, “no” is a full sentence. And you don’t need to explain it.

• For family:

  • If they’re asking for too much, try this: “I love y’all, but I need to focus on myself right now. I hope you understand.”

  • If someone presses you about life choices (“Where the babies at?!”), practice: “I’m working on myself right now. Thanks for understanding.” Then change the subject.

• For work:

  • Block out “me time” on your calendar, even if it’s just 30 minutes. Treat it like an unmissable meeting.

5. Support System: Find Your People

Your friends aren’t your therapists, but the right ones can be your lifeline.

• Lean on them, but gently:

  • Instead of dumping everything, try: “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about something lighter for a bit?”

  • If they’re not available, don’t take it personally. Everyone’s juggling something.

• Build your team:

  • Invest in therapy if you can. Therapy is self-care with a license. (Hot tip: Check if your job offers an Employee Assistance Program!)

• Pro Tip: Your friends’ inability to support you doesn’t mean they’re bad friends; it means they have their own stuff too.

6. Time Management: The Art of Doing Less

When everything feels urgent, take a deep breath. Not everything needs to be done today.

• Start here:

  • Write down everything you need to do this week.

  • Highlight the top 3. Focus on those. The rest? They can wait.

• Feeling stuck?

  • Try the “Pomodoro Technique.” Set a timer for 25 minutes. Work on one task. Then take a 5-minute break. Repeat.

You’re not in this alone. Stress and anxiety are real, but so are your tools to fight them. Start small. Breathe. Move. Set boundaries. You’ve got this.

And when it feels like too much? Remember, you’re building strength in these moments. Let’s grow together. 🖤

The Struggles and Strengths of Being the Oldest Daughter

I wish “oldest daughter” could be listed as an official job title on my résumé because, truthfully, I’ve acquired some of my best skills in this role—organization, leadership, planning, problem-solving, you name it. Since I was a toddler, I’ve been a resourceful queen, whether it was figuring out how to get gum out of my sister’s favorite doll’s hair or editing her college essays. I joke with my sister that she calls me for help before she even thinks, but honestly, it’s not a joke.

Now, add the title of first-gen oldest daughter into the mix, and woo—let’s pass the collection plate around. There’s a unique weight to being the “go-to” person in the family. It’s fulfilling at times, but it’s also exhausting.

The Sense of Responsibility

Being the oldest often feels like being a second parent. You’re expected to balance your personal growth while supporting everyone else’s. And let me tell you, that weight is heavy. There have been moments where I’m knee-deep in my own mess—barely holding it together—and my sister calls me for something she could’ve Googled. I’ll ignore the call to protect my peace, but then my mom chimes in with, “Can you figure this out for your sister?” or “Can you talk to your sister? She’s out of control.”

Ma’am, that is your child.

And here I am, caught in the middle, feeling like I can’t even afford to lose it because someone needs me. In my lowest moments, I used to wish I had someone like me—an older sister to carry the weight, someone to look out for me the way I’ve looked out for everyone else.

It’s isolating being the “problem solver” of the family. But then I have to ask myself—in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion—who assigned me this role? Did someone officially hand me this responsibility, or have I carried this stress unnecessarily for most of my life?

How This Role Shapes Identity

This role often shapes our sense of self in profound ways, sometimes for the worse. Being the oldest daughter often goes hand-in-hand with something I like to talk about with my clients: maladaptive perfectionism. We feel the need to have it all together, all the time. The weight of constantly being “on” can contribute to anxiety, depression, and stress, all of which can manifest in clinical ways.

But it’s not all bad. This role has also given me invaluable strengths.

The Strengths You Gain

As a therapist, I can confidently say my early “job” as the big sister shaped my clinical skills. It taught me empathy, leadership, and how to juggle multiple roles. It’s helped me in friendships, relationships, and even in running my business. I am literally a girl boss.

Looking back, Kendal always knew who she was. My childhood prepared me to show up for others—and for myself—in ways I never imagined.

Self-Care for Oldest Daughters

To my fellow oldest daughters: Put that phone down when you need to. Seriously. You don’t always have to jump into problem-solving mode because sometimes your siblings don’t need a parent; they just need their sibling.

Take care of yourself. Deal with the stress instead of pushing through it. Ask for support instead of trying to do it all on your own. And most importantly, set boundaries.

Self-Care Tips for Oldest Daughters

1. Take Breaks Without Guilt

   • You’re allowed to rest. The world won’t fall apart if you step away for a moment. Schedule time for yourself, even if it’s just 30 minutes to read, walk, or breathe.

2. Do Something Just for You

   • Engage in activities that bring you joy—whether it’s binge-watching a guilty pleasure, trying a new hobby, or treating yourself to a solo date.

3. Say No Without Explaining

   • Practice saying, “I can’t help with that right now,” or “I’m not available.” You don’t need to justify prioritizing yourself.

4. Reconnect With Your Inner Child

   • Think about what made you happy when you were younger. Was it painting, riding your bike, or dancing in your room? Do it again. It’s healing.

5. Delegate Responsibilities

   • It’s okay to share the load. If others in your family can handle something, let them. You don’t need to do it all.

6. Create Daily Rituals

   • Incorporate small, grounding rituals like morning journaling, lighting a candle, or practicing gratitude. These moments of peace add up.

Boundary-Setting Tips for Oldest Daughters

1. Identify What’s Draining You

   • Pay attention to tasks or interactions that leave you feeling exhausted. These areas likely need boundaries.

2. Use Assertive Communication

   • Speak calmly but firmly when setting boundaries. For example, “I’m happy to help, but I can’t drop everything right now.”

3. Be Okay With Discomfort

   • Boundaries might upset others at first, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Discomfort is a natural part of growth—for you and them.

4. Set “Office Hours”

   • Let family members know when you’re available to help and when you’re not. For instance, “I’ll be free to talk after 7 PM.”

5. Stop Jumping in Immediately

   • Give others a chance to figure things out before stepping in. Not every problem requires your immediate input.

6. Write Your Boundaries Down

   • Create a list of boundaries you’d like to maintain. Seeing them in writing helps you stay accountable to yourself.

7. Seek Support When Needed

   • If setting boundaries feels hard, talk it out with someone you trust—a friend, a partner, or even a therapist.

8. Remember: Boundaries Are Acts of Love

   • Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about protecting your energy so you can show up fully for the things that matter most.

     Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and prioritizing your well-being ensures you have the capacity to continue showing up for those you care about. ❤️

Conclusion

The experience of being the oldest daughter is different for everyone, but one thing is for sure: it builds strength and wisdom like no other. Remember, they didn’t ask to be the youngest, just like we didn’t ask to be the oldest.

Still, we’re all figuring this life thing out for the first time. Take care of yourself—you deserve it. And if this resonates, share your story. Let’s lift each other up as we navigate this unique journey together.