From Panic to Peace: A Black Girl's Guide to Living with Anxiety and PTSD
Let’s get one thing straight right from the jump: I did not grow up in a family that talked about mental health. Therapy? Who’s she? Anxiety? Not for Black folk—at least, that’s what they told us.
I grew up in a "pray it away" household. Feeling overwhelmed? Just take it to the Lord. Can’t focus? Child, go drink some ginger tea. Having panic attacks? Now, you know we don’t do that in this house.
And listen, I love my family, but back then, mental health care wasn’t even in question. It wasn’t something we discussed. Therapy felt like a foreign concept. Anxiety? They’d act like I was making it up or, worse, “acting out.”
But here’s the truth: I wasn’t acting out. I was struggling. And, unfortunately, nobody in my life had the language to help me figure that out.
Anxiety and Black Girlhood: The Trouble with “Attitude”
Let me tell you something about anxiety—it’s sneaky, and it wears a million disguises. For me, anxiety didn’t just show up as trembling hands or panic attacks. Sometimes, it showed up as irritability. And if you’re a Black girl, you already know how that story ends: What’s with the attitude? Fix your face. You always gotta be so snappy.
My anxiety would bubble up as frustration, and that frustration got me into trouble more times than I care to admit. I wasn’t trying to be rude; I was overwhelmed. But instead of anyone asking what was wrong, they’d say, “Stop acting grown” or “Don’t bring that mess in here.”
This is what happens when society ties us to the Strong Black Woman schema—that unspoken rule that says we’re supposed to handle everything without breaking a sweat. Black women are taught to bear pain, push through, and never let them see us cry. It’s exhausting. But let me tell you: being “strong” doesn’t mean burning yourself out trying to meet impossible standards. It’s okay to be human, to ask for help, to let yourself feel. That’s strength, too.
When "Good Enough" Is Never Enough
I didn’t realize how much of my anxiety stemmed from this need to be perfect at everything. Growing up, it felt like I was either making straight A’s or failing at life. There was no in-between.
The pressure to succeed—to prove myself, to avoid making mistakes, to not mess up because the stakes were too high—was suffocating. And when I wasn’t perfect (because spoiler alert: nobody is), my anxiety would eat me alive.
I was stuck in this loop: overachieve, burn out, beat myself up, repeat. Perfectionism wasn’t just about excelling; it was about survival. And that’s a hard cycle to break, especially when you feel like the world expects you to have it all together 24/7.
For Us (Not) By Us
One thing I wish more people understood is that anxiety doesn’t always look like hyperventilating or crying in a corner. For me—and for many Black women—it shows up as:
Constantly feeling on edge, like I’m bracing for something bad
Snapping at people over little things
Difficulty relaxing (because who has time to rest when the world is burning?)
Overthinking and replaying conversations in my head, looking for where I went “wrong”
In the Club, We All Fam
Anxiety isn’t my enemy. In fact, I’ve started to personify her—yep, I gave my anxiety a whole personality. And guess what? I’m not mad at her anymore. She means well. She’s just trying to keep me safe, even if she goes about it all wrong sometimes. Anxiety makes sure I pay my bills on time, she makes sure I pack must haves for vacation.
When I stopped fighting her and started listening, my reaction to her changed. Instead of spiraling, I can say, “I see you, girl. I know you’re here because you care. But I’ve got this. You can sit this one out.”
You’re not Broken, your Body is Doing its Job.
It’s been helpful for me to understand why my body was betraying me when anxiety or trauma popped up. Let me explain it to you, free of charge. Imagine your body has this super smart security system. It’s always on guard, watching for threats—like that messy coworker, a bad date, or even that one auntie who always comes with shade, we call it the vagus nerve. It runs on something called your nervous system, and it’s trying to keep you safe.
But sometimes, it gets confused. It’s like that one car alarm in the neighborhood that goes off for no reason. That’s anxiety and PTSD—they’ve got your body thinking there’s a problem, even when things are fine.
Here’s how it works:
Calm and Chill Mode
When life is good, your body knows it. You feel relaxed, your energy’s balanced, and you’re ready to take on the world. You can laugh at jokes, handle stress without flipping out, and just vibe. This is where we all want to live but for people with anxiety and PTSD, it’s not always easy to hang out here.Fight or Flight Mode
Let something stressful happen, and BAM! Your body hits the panic button. Your heart races, your muscles tighten, and you feel like you’ve got to fight or run. This is your body thinking, Girl, we’re in danger! Anxiety often parks you here, keeping you on edge for no reason.Shut Down Mode
And if the stress gets too much—like overwhelming much—your body might just give up. You feel drained, numb, like you’re on autopilot. You’re not being lazy, sis; your body’s just trying to protect itself by checking out.
Healing Tools That Help Me Thrive
If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably wondering: Okay, but how do I deal with anxiety when it shows up? Let me drop some gems on what’s helped me:
Affirmations & Mantras: One of my favorites is straight out of Philippians 4:6—“Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.” I repeat this to myself when I feel anxiety creeping in, combining it with deep breathing. And let me tell you, it’s chef’s kiss.
Sound Healing: Green noise (think rain, waves, or wind) has been a game-changer for me. Add some sound bowls and frequency noise? Listen, my brain feels like it’s doing yoga. It’s grounding, it’s clarifying, and it’s peaceful.
Butterfly Hug: Cross your arms over your chest, hands on your shoulders, and gently tap. It’s simple but powerful. It helps me calm my nervous system when anxiety tries to hijack my body. Check out this video to see it in action.
Exercise and TIPP: Working out helps me sweat out the stress (and feel snatched). And when I’m in distress, I use TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Relaxation) to bring myself back to calm.
Self-Compassion and Humor: Let’s be real—healing is messy. I’ve learned to give myself grace, to rest when I need to, and to laugh at myself when I take things too seriously.
Safe Spaces: Being around people who make you feel seen and supported can calm your body faster than you think. Therapy or even a FaceTime with your bestie can help you get back to center.
The Bigger Picture
At the end of the day, my anxiety isn’t my enemy. I’ve learned to see her as a part of me that’s just trying to protect me. She’s not out to hurt me—she’s just loud and dramatic sometimes. (I mean, same.)
Through therapy, faith, and these tools, I’ve gone from feeling like anxiety controlled my life to realizing that I’m in the driver’s seat. Healing isn’t linear, but it’s worth every step.
As you navigate this journey of understanding and managing anxiety, remember this wisdom from the late, great Nikki Giovanni
"Once you know who you are, you don’t have to worry anymore."
For Black women, this is a reminder to embrace the strength, depth, and complexity of who we are—beyond the labels, the stereotypes, and even the expectations we sometimes place on ourselves. Healing starts with knowing and owning your truth. When you can do that, worry starts to lose its power.
So, let’s keep doing the work: finding balance, leaning on our practices, and rewriting the narratives that don’t serve us. Be proud of every step, no matter how small. You've got this.
Now, go take a deep breath, play some green noise, and give yourself a Butterfly Hug. You deserve it.
Books I’ve enjoyed on this Journey:
The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health by Dr. Rheeda Walker
Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans
Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual by Luvvie Ajayi Jones
Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto by Tricia Herse
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting by Terrie M. Williams
Be Anxious for Nothing: Finding Calm in a Chaotic World by Max Lucado
Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit by Queen Afua
Dear Ken… My boyfriend got another girl pregnant
I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.
Letter
Hey Ken, I read through all your posts while I was getting a pedicure and fell in love with your writing. I need some advice......I been with my boyfriend since college. I am now 23, I graduated and moved to Atlanta and recently he has been staying with me because he is relocating for work. We had conversations about moving in together and taking the relationship to the next steps and I was kind of apprehensive about it because something wasn't feeling right. We went to school in Virgina and he was living out there but wanted some better opportunities so I told him to come here and he ended up getting something in his field. So boom this where the story starts, I DID NOT GO THROUGH HIS PHONE- but his apple watch was in the bathroom and I forgot my phone and needed entertainment so I explored it some. I seen some messages between him and this girl that was inappropriate and I scrolled up to discover he got her pregnant in July. I know they got an abortion because the texts were arguments and she brought it up, the texts were from last year up into last month. I feel like this is so disrespectful and unbelievable, when I approached him about it he got defensive about me going through his things and then apologized and was pleading. I am so over the relationship but he is making me feel like I am in the wrong for wanting to throw away the relationship. He says that this is just a bump in the road and she got an abortion so that's why he did not tell me because he hasn't cheated since (I promise I'm not dumb I know what you probably thinking) I feel so dirty too because we have been having sex unprotected for years so why would he expose me like this t`o something by having sex with someone else. I want to leave but this is my apartment and he has no where to go. Am I wrong for wanting to putting him out and wanting to be single over this hiccup? Any advice on this and healing through a heartbreak would be so appreciated, thank you girl.
Response
Hey babe,
PREGNANTTTT??!!! This situation is a lot, and I don’t think you’re dumb. I’m proud of you for reaching out because you deserve to be heard and supported through this.
Now, let’s be real—he’s trash. Ain’t no sugarcoating that. You found out he was messing around, getting someone else pregnant, and wasn’t even upfront about it. That's disrespectful, and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. The fact that he's flipping it on you and making you feel bad for wanting to leave? Sis, that’s manipulation at its finest. If a man is gonna have one thing, its audacity. You’re allowed to walk away from that.
You’re 23, girl. Too young to be out here stressing over someone who can’t even respect you enough to be honest. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, and you do not need to be stuck with someone who’s playing games. A relationship should bring you peace, not make you question your worth or make you feel like you're in the wrong for wanting something real.
Also, I see you went through his Apple Watch for entertainment—lmao, I’m dead! I’m not mad at you lmaoooo.
As for him having nowhere to go: don’t get in the habit of making someone comfortable at the expense of your own comfort. You’ve been letting him stay with you, you’ve been opening your home and your heart, and now he’s out here disrespecting both. Don’t let this be a pattern. What you decide today will impact the woman you are tomorrow. When you look back on this moment, do you want to feel good about the choices you made? Do you want the woman you’re becoming to be okay with making decisions that don’t prioritize her own peace? You deserve to be comfortable, to feel safe, and to trust the person you’re with. And, sis, he’s showing you that he’s not the one to provide that.
Look, I work with couples who’ve been through affairs and betrayal in therapy. So, let me tell you, I’m not here to judge your decisions. I support anyone who wants to try and work through things after betrayal, but at the end of the day, it’s about what feels right for you. I tell all my clients who’ve gone through similar situations—lean on your values. What would your values tell you to do in this situation? Because that’s what’s gonna lead you to the right decision for your heart, your peace, and your future. You don’t need to do anything that doesn’t feel right in your soul.
So here’s how I’d suggest moving forward:
Feel all the feelings. You’re gonna have a range of emotions, and it’s okay to be mad, sad, confused—all of it. Let yourself process them without feeling guilty.
Turn on that Lemonade Album girly.
Space is necessary. Whether it’s cutting contact for a bit or just taking some time to be alone, sometimes you have to protect your energy. Don’t feel bad about creating distance if that’s what you need.
Lean on your tribe. Talk to your friends, family—whoever has your back. You need people who will remind you of your worth when you forget.
Focus on your healing. Do the things that make you feel good, whether it’s self-care, hitting the gym, or just having a girls' night. You deserve to feel like yourself again.
Girl, trust yourself here. You know what’s best for you. You’ve got a whole future ahead of you, and this is just one chapter. Don’t let this dude or anyone else take your peace.
I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this. ❤️
Decentering Men/Women: How Shifting Generational Expectations Can Lead to Healthier Lives
Let’s have a real conversation about something that keeps coming up: the idea of making someone else—whether that’s a man, woman, or anyone you love—the center of your universe. Spoiler alert: it’s not healthy, no matter how cute they are or how good they look in a tailored suit or flowy dress.
This isn’t about bashing men or women. It’s about looking at how centering your life on anyone can make you lose sight of who you are. And trust me, that’s the quickest way to burn out, miss out, and wake up one day wondering where you went.
The College Pressure: "Find Your Partner by Graduation"
When I went to Syracuse, I saw it firsthand. People out here treating college like it was a husband-or-wife-finding competition. We were 18, still figuring out how to do use Blackboard, and some people already had “ring by spring” energy. I mean, I get it—independence can feel scary, and a partner might seem like a shortcut to stability.
And listen, I got caught up too. There was a time when I thought I was madly in love. Looking back? I can’t even tell you why I felt that way. Maybe it was because he was fine, could read a book without struggling, and sh*t he was fine.
That pressure to find someone isn’t just a college thing, though. In the first-gen community, it’s deep. The way I see it, you’re often expected to pick a lane: either find someone to build a family with (and carry the weight of generational caregiving) or focus on becoming the boss who takes care of everyone else. But why does it have to be one or the other?
What Happens When You Center a Partner
Here’s the hard truth: when you make someone the center of your life, you start living for them instead of yourself. You’re not chasing your dreams; you’re making decisions based on how they’ll fit into their life. And over time, that becomes exhausting—for both of you.
For men, this might look like feeling the constant pressure to “provide” or be the emotional rock, even when you’re barely holding yourself together. For women, it can show up as pouring everything into being the caretaker, leaving no room for your own goals or well-being. Either way, it’s unsustainable.
A healthy relationship isn’t about one person doing all the heavy lifting. It’s about both people showing up, doing the emotional labor, and creating a partnership that allows both of you to grow.
Decentering Your Partner: The Key to Thriving
Let me be clear: I’m not saying relationships aren’t important. I love my man deeply. But I love me even more. And I’ve made it a point not to let my life revolve around him. I’ve learned that love is about addition, not subtraction and have built a life that honors both of us without making him the center of my universe.
Why? Because I’ve seen what happens when people lose themselves in their relationships. They stop dreaming big. They stop taking risks. They stop being curious about the world because they’re too busy trying to be the perfect partner.
When you decenter your partner, you create space for yourself. You make room to explore your passions, set goals, and build a life that fulfills you—so that when you do come together as a couple, you’re bringing your full, authentic self to the table.
For First-Gens: Breaking the Mold
As a first-gen twenty-something, the stakes feel higher. Your family sacrificed a lot to get you to where you are, and there’s this expectation to carry that forward. For women, that might look like finding a partner who can help you provide for the next generation. For men, it’s often about being the backbone of the family.
But what if we flipped the script? What if the best way to honor those sacrifices was to live authentically, to chase your dreams, and to build relationships that complement your life instead of consuming it?
I’m choosing to live in the gray area. I want to build a thriving career and a loving family—not one at the expense of the other. I want my kids to see what a balanced, healthy life looks like, so they don’t feel the same pressure to choose between success and love.
Emotional Labor: A Shared Responsibility
One thing I have to talk about is emotional labor. It’s that invisible work that keeps relationships running—the check-ins, the planning, the caretaking. And if it’s falling on one person (often the woman, but not always), it’s a problem.
Men, this is your cue to show up emotionally. Women, this is your reminder to let people take accountability for their part in the relationship. Everyone deserves a partner, not a therapist or a parent.
Also, can we make a pact to take the podcast mics away from anyone who hasn’t done the work to heal through their own stuff? Because we don’t need more relationship advice from people projecting their unprocessed trauma.
Finding Yourself Outside the Relationship
At the end of the day, your relationship should be a part of your life—not your whole life. Whether you’re single, dating, or married, your happiness starts with you.
Take yourself on solo dates. Pursue hobbies that make you lose track of time. Set boundaries that protect your peace. Because the better you know and love yourself, the better you can show up in any relationship.
Decentering for the Future
When you stop centering your life around a partner, you start living for yourself—and that’s when the magic happens. You open yourself up to new experiences, deeper connections, and a life that feels true to who you are.
So whether you’re navigating first-gen pressures, figuring out your next move, or just trying to find balance, remember this: you are whole on your own. Your relationship should be a bonus, not the foundation.
Let’s build lives that honor where we come from without losing sight of who we are. Because you, my friend, deserve to thrive.
Let’s Do This Together
We’re all about community here, so let’s make this a shared journey. This week, I challenge you to:
Journal It Out: Take 10 minutes to reflect on this question: “What do I want for my life outside of my relationship?” Be honest, dream big, and don’t hold back.
Solo Time Challenge: Pick one thing to do just for you this week. It could be a solo coffee date, trying out that yoga class you’ve been eyeing, or just curling up with a book.
When you’ve done one (or both), come share your experience with the community! Drop a comment, DM me, or tag me on TikTok @ADoseofKen with what you did and how it felt. Let’s inspire each other to prioritize ourselves—because we deserve it.
Resources to Help You Get There
Want to dive deeper? Here are some books from Black voices to help you balance love, life, and everything in between:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
All About Love by bell hooks
Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde
We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (because financial independence is a form of self-love too!)
When you’re grounded in who you are, your relationship becomes the cherry on top—not the whole sundae. So here’s to love, but more importantly, here’s to you.
Dear Ken: Career Advice
I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.
Letter
Hi, I enjoyed this blog! I’m in my early 20s and am in grad school, I want to be a therapist and do similar work to what I’ve seen you post about. I follow you on TikTok and seen that you passed your NCE last year. I’m in my practicum now and have no idea how you managed to do that while working. I shared it with my advisor and he told me absolutely not to do that since it is really stressful and such a big year. I plan to take mine immediately after I finish practicum but would like any advice you have for me. And any tips on staying mentally well during this year. It’s only been 4 months and I feel like I am losing it. Annnd (sorry I just have a lot of questions because there’s not a lot of of people in my program that can give me these answers) how did you deal with imposter syndrome when being in the field. Sometimes I can’t believe people are trusting me to do what I do
Response
Hey love,
I feel you! Grad school + practicum + work is a wild ride, and honestly, last year was so hard for me, too. I'm a good planner, but there were times I genuinely wasn’t prepared for how challenging it would be. Like, there were so many breakdowns. Let me shout out my site supervisors because I was truly blessed to be at a site that cared for me, saw me, and allowed me to take up space and unfortunately that is a priviledge. There’s something about practicum that breaks you down as a therapist, but trust me, we all go through it, and you'll get through it too.
Take your breaks—you're human, and you’re going to bend a little. Don’t feel like you need to have it all together right away. I wasn’t super strict with myself, but I was disciplined. I studied for a couple of months using tools like the purple book, Mometrix, and Test.com. Honestly, I’m a good test taker, so if that’s not your thing, be kind to yourself and find what works best for you. I spent two months listening to Dr. Pam’s youtube study sessions all day, every day, during breaks. I was honestly hanging on by a thread at times, and that study time was a lifesaver.
My commute was 45 minutes to an hour one way, and there were days I was so tired that I almost fell asleep behind the wheel. I’d use that time to cry and process the emotional weight of the year. It was draining, but I kept going. There were weeks where I felt like I was doing great and other weeks when I was barely holding it together. I rode my internship like a wave, letting it shape me into the therapist I am today.
One of the biggest lessons I learned during that time was about balance. I overcommitted myself early on, trying so hard to get my hours that I didn’t want to take breaks, especially during the winter when I was already hanging by a strand. That’s when my site supervisor, Becky, stepped in and said, “Kendal, chill.” And that was the moment I realized my success wasn’t defined by my productivity. I learned that I had to prioritize self-care to keep showing up for my clients. And let me tell you, I ended up finishing my hours earlier than expected. My clients kept showing up because I showed up for them—and for myself.
As for imposter syndrome, girl, it’s not something that just goes away. Even now, as I’m out of school, I still battle it. But I know how to handle it now. It doesn’t have the same power over me that it once did. Just know that you're not alone in that feeling. You’re doing great, and people trust you because you know what you’re doing. And remember, you’re not supposed to have everything figured out right now. It's day by day, babe. Day by day.
A few tips for staying mentally well during this stressful time:
Acknowledge Your Feelings, But Don’t Let Them Define You
Imposter syndrome thrives on self-doubt. Recognizing that you're feeling it is the first step, but don't let it convince you that you don’t deserve your achievements. Your experiences and hard work have brought you here.Keep a “Wins List”
Write down your accomplishments, whether they’re big or small. Whenever imposter syndrome hits, read through it and remind yourself of the concrete successes that show your competence and growth. Celebrate your journey! I kept a video diary during grad school, every time I look at the clips now it reminds me to hold on and enjoy the moments, they go by.Talk to Someone Who Gets It
Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone helps. Talk to peers, mentors, or supervisors who have walked a similar path. They’ll often reassure you that imposter syndrome is common and share how they deal with it, too.Reframe Your Thoughts
Instead of thinking “I don’t belong here,” try saying, “I’ve earned my place here and I’m still learning.” Focus on progress, not perfection. It's a growth journey, not a destination.Lean Into Vulnerability
Being vulnerable about not having all the answers makes you more relatable and human. When you allow yourself to be open about what you’re learning or struggling with, you build trust with others and validate that it's okay not to know everything.Shift Focus From Yourself to Your Clients/Impact
When you focus on your clients' progress and the impact you're having, it becomes easier to see that what you’re doing matters, even if you’re not feeling 100% sure of yourself.Affirmations and Self-Compassion
Practice saying affirmations like, “I am capable. I deserve to be here. My work matters.” Also, be gentle with yourself; we’re all human, and learning is part of the process. Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd give to a friend.Stay Grounded
Try mindfulness exercises like breathing, body scans, or even just taking a moment to center yourself when you feel that self-doubt creeping in. It’s okay to pause and take a mental break when you need it.Remember: Growth Is Messy
You’ll have highs and lows, but that’s how we grow. Embrace both the successes and struggles; each experience is a building block for your development as a clinician and as a person.Seek Support When Needed
If imposter syndrome is overwhelming, consider seeking therapy or talking to a mentor. It’s okay to seek help to address these feelings and develop healthier coping strategies.
Imposter syndrome isn’t something that disappears overnight, but with time and practice, you’ll develop ways to manage it. It’s just another hurdle in the journey of self-discovery and growth.
Take breaks: Your work is important, but so are you! Take breaks and do something that brings you joy, even if it's just for a few minutes. For me, simple things like a “Soup Wednesday” or taking a moment to watch the sunset helped keep me grounded.
Stay active: Whether it’s a quick walk, stretching, or yoga, find time to move. It helps release stress and keeps your body and mind connected.
Set boundaries: Learn to say no when you’re stretched too thin. Be mindful of your limits and don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being.
Therapy: You know I was going to say it, therapy was a must during that process and you know why!
Trust me, you’ll get through this. If you want, message me your email and I’d be happy to share my study tools with you. You've got this, and I’m rooting for you! I’ll see you in the field.
Warmlyyyy,
Kennn
Creating a Vision for Your Future (Even When It Feels Uncertain)
Let me set the scene: it was an all-white party, my college besties and I were living our best lives- tipsyyyyyy, the drinks were flowing. At some point in the night, we found ourselves drunkenly running around a table, chanting, “I’m 30 and I’m sexy!” Looking back, it was chaotic and hilarious, but also… kind of profound. I didn’t realize it then, but we were speaking life over ourselves. It was a glittery, tipsy 13 Going on 30 moment—pure Jenna Rink energy.
Now here I am at 29, just a year shy of that “sexy 30” declaration, and I’m living a life I once prayed for. But here’s the kicker: recent events have had me sitting with some hard questions- I can’t wait to spill the tea on that but that’s not what we’re talking about today. It’s been having me like, Wait, God… what exactly was in that prayer? Because while I’m grateful for how far I’ve come, I’m also navigating some big decisions that feel steeped in uncertainty. And you know what? That’s okay.
Before we go further, this isn’t one of those “I’ve got it all figured out” moments—it’s more of a “we’re in this together” vibe. This is a safe space, right? Y’all won’t call the people if you see me crashing out right? Ok, cool. Let’s talk about how to hold space for your dreams, faith, and self-compassion, especially when the road ahead feels unclear.
Speak It into Existence
One thing about me? I’ve always been a dreamer. But dreaming isn’t just about wishful thinking; it’s about planting seeds, even if you don’t know exactly when or how they’ll grow. Take my longtime habit of introducing myself as Dr. Kendal’Spirit. Do I have my PhD yet? Not even close. But claiming it early gave me something to work toward.
And listen, I didn’t just say it for vibes. I started aligning my actions with that vision—earning my master’s degree, building a support system, and exposing myself to the spaces I wanted to be in. I may not have all the answers, but I’m out here taking steps. And when I scroll through my private Pinterest boards filled with dream houses and new cars, I’m not just fantasizing; I’m preparing my heart to receive those blessings when the time is right.
Here’s the takeaway: speak life over yourself, even if you’re unsure of the timing. It’s not about having everything figured out—it’s about honoring the possibility of what could be.
Lean on Faith (and Be Kind to Yourself)
Uncertainty used to terrify me. I liked having plans and control and clear paths. But over the years, I’ve learned to lean into my faith and let go of the need to see the entire road. One of my favorite prayers is simple but powerful: “God, allow Your plan to be better than mine. Align me with where You see me.”
And let me tell you, God is quick to remind me: “Your plan was too small, Kendal.” Every time I think something isn’t working out the way it should, it turns out it’s just making space for something better.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though. There are moments when I feel stuck, scared, or unsure. In those moments, I try to talk to myself the way I would a best friend: It’s okay to not know right now. You’re doing your best. Keep going. Self-compassion is the bridge between where you are and where you’re going, so don’t forget to extend that grace to yourself.
Surround Yourself with the Right People
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you don’t have to figure it all out alone. My support system is everything. When I face a setback, I’m not met with “I told you so” or judgment. Instead, my people are like, “Alright, girl, what’s next? What do you need? Let’s figure it out together.”
That kind of energy is life-changing. It’s why I’m intentional about who I keep close. I don’t need naysayers or people who doubt my dreams—I need people who see my potential, even on days when I don’t.
If you don’t have that yet, start by being that person for yourself. Cheer yourself on. Believe in your ability to figure it out. The right people will find you when you start showing up for yourself.
Give Yourself Permission to Dream Big
Let’s be real: going after the life you want can feel scary, especially when it doesn’t look doable to everyone else—or even to you sometimes. But that’s okay. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to dream big.
For me, dreaming big isn’t just about the end goal—it’s about the process. It’s about figuring it out one step at a time, trusting that I’m being guided, and reminding myself that failure is just a stepping stone. The worst thing I can do is not try.
So when I think about where I’m headed, I remind myself: God’s plan is better than mine. I don’t have to see the whole picture to take the next step. And neither do you.
Let’s Keep Figuring It Out
If you’re in a season of uncertainty, know this: you’re not alone. I’m right there with you, figuring it out as I go, trusting God, and leaning into what feels right. Some days it’s messy, some days it’s magic—but every day, it’s worth it.
So here’s to dreaming big, trusting the process, and giving ourselves the grace to keep going. We’ve got this. Together.
And before I go, I have to give a special shoutout to my girlalalalassss—the Unfriendly, Educated Black Hotties—for walking through this life thing with me. Y’all keep me grounded, inspired, and laughing through it all. We’ve got this. Together.
Tips:
Create a mantra: Choose a phrase that embodies your goals, like “I am becoming everything I’m meant to be,” and repeat it daily.
Celebrate out loud: Don’t be afraid to share your aspirations in safe spaces. Let yourself believe they’re possible.
Vision boards & journals: Document your dreams visually or through writing. Keep them somewhere you can revisit often
Find an anchoring prayer or affirmation: Something like, “God, align me with Your plan. Let it be better than mine.”
Pause for gratitude: When you’re overwhelmed, take a moment to list what’s going right. It helps shift your perspective.
Show yourself grace: Instead of spiraling when plans change, remind yourself that you’re learning and adapting.
Do an energy audit: Reflect on how you feel after interacting with people. Keep the ones who uplift you close.
Find your “What’s next?” crew: Look for people who brainstorm solutions with you instead of dwelling on problems.
Be that person for others: The support you give often mirrors the support you receive.
Dream without limits: Ask yourself, What would I want if I knew I couldn’t fail? Let your imagination run wild.
Take small, aligned steps: You don’t need to know the entire path—just focus on the next right step.
Focus on your “why”: Remember the deeper purpose behind your goals. It’ll keep you motivated when things get hard.
I’d love to hear from you—how are you navigating your own season of uncertainty? What’s helping you dream big, trust yourself, and stay aligned with your faith? Drop a comment and let’s keep this conversation going. We’re all figuring it out together (hopefully I figured out how to put these comments on haha, drop a comment and let me know). 💛
Dear Ken… “Feeling Like I Can’t Take Much More”
I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.
Sarai’s letter
Hey Ken, this blog is so cute and needed and I wanted to write you to get a dose of help cause girl I need it lol. My name is Sarai, I don't mind if you keep my name in I am 26 and work in tech sales I prayed really hard to get into this role and now that I am in it I am feeling ungrateful. This is my second year in it and around the holidays business is overwhelming I am traveling a lot and always feeling like I dont have time to do anything. My hair has been in a bun for too long and I'm sure I have a bald spot lol. On top of that me and my mom have been going at it because I moved out a year ago and have not been spending a lot of time with her. She and my dad are very needy because they have the mentality that since they sacrificed so much for me I have to give my all to them now and I respect that but I literally have nothing. It doesn't help with my stress when I am getting lengthy texts from my mom about how I am ungrateful and should be ashamed at how distant I am. I feel so lost and sad at life right now I love my career and am proud of my accomplishments but damn! I feel like I cannot enjoy it, I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to find a therapist but I don't even know when i will be able to talk to one right now. Any advice on how to push through would be helpful. Thank you
Response
Hey Sarai,
First off, thank you for trusting me with this. Girl, you sound like a powerhouse. You’re out here doing the thing—26, thriving in tech sales, making moves—and even though it feels heavy, you’re doing it. Let me just affirm you right here: you are not alone, and you are absolutely killing it. But whew, it also sounds like burnout is knocking on your door. It happens when you’re giving too much to everything and leaving yourself with crumbs. In order to be the best version of yourself, you have to slow down sometimes and pour into you. Burnout is no stranger to the first gen pop—you’ve gotta know when it’s creeped into the room and politely tell it to get out. Let’s unpack this, because you deserve to thrive, not just survive.
Step 1: Check Those Tanks
You’re running on empty, and in How to Handle Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s (Without Losing Your Sh*t) I mentioned my “tank analogy” before—think of your capacity as multiple tanks: emotional, physical, career, family, etc. Write down where you feel each tank is at right now. Is your self-care tank bone dry? (Sounds like it—sis, please get your hair done, you’ve earned it!) Once you know what’s running low, you can prioritize filling up the ones that matter most.
Step 2: Manage the Overwhelm
Let me put you on to the Eisenhower Matrix It’s a simple tool to help you figure out what’s urgent and important versus what can wait or even be delegated. This tool can be beneficial in getting everything out of your head and on paper, creating a plan for your next moves. I have to use this or I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. With all the work stress and holiday chaos, this can help you focus on what really matters and let go of the fluff.
Step 3: Talk to Your Mom… or Not
Sarai, I don’t know what side of the diaspora you’re on and I’m not trying to get you hurt, but let me say this with my whole chest: talking to your mom might help—or it might leave you with even more stress so lets break it down and give you options. Only you know how she’ll respond. Ultimately remember you can love and respect your parents without sacrificing your sanity.
Talk to Mom:
Next time your mom sends a guilt-inducing text, try saying something like:
"Mom, I love you and value everything you’ve done for me. Right now, I’m navigating a lot with work, and it’s been hard to keep up. I want to spend time with you, but I also need space to recharge so I can show up as my best self. Let’s plan something together soon."
This sets a boundary and reassures her that you care.
Avoid the Guilt Trip:
If having a direct heart-to-heart feels like it’s going to turn into a guilt Olympics, then skip it for now and try these tips instead:
Set Boundaries in Doses: Instead of diving into heavy conversations, limit interactions to what feels manageable for you. A quick call or text to check in can go a long way without draining your emotional tank. “Ok yeah ma, I was just calling to check in… I gotta go- I’m burning up the rice.”
I’ve found setting a consistent schedule to spend time with parents to be helpful. For example, you could designate Fridays to visit them. You might hear things that aren’t ideal, but the goal isn’t to change them—we love our parents, we just need them in manageable doses. So, when they call or text, you can calmly say, “Okay, I’ll see you Friday.” Use whatever emotional tools you need to navigate that time with them, knowing it’s a planned and manageable visit.
Tag In Some Backup: If you’ve got a sibling or close family member who can help bridge the gap or take some of the pressure off, don’t hesitate to lean on them.
Reframe the Guilt: Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t disrespectful. Your accomplishments and well-being are a testament to all their sacrifices—and you can’t pour from an empty cup.
The goal is to show love without sacrificing your sanity. You don’t have to handle this all at once, and it’s okay to take small steps in managing family dynamics. 💛
Step 4: Pour Into Yourself
Take Breaks Without Guilt:
Even if it’s small, take time to breathe. Apps like Insight Timer or simple guided meditations (Calm, Breath) can help you pause and reset.Mini Wins Matter: Throw on a face mask, stretch for five minutes, or journal—quick, simple acts can remind you that you matter too.
Schedule Joy: Block out a non-negotiable hour for something you love—whether it’s a walk, catching up on your favorite show, or trying a new coffee spot. When I am overwhelmed I picture Joy from Inside Out coming in to “save me” and make me do the things that would make me happy.
Hair Therapy Is Real:
Sis, book the hair appointment or do it yourself. A bald spot is willlddd. Having your hair done is not just about looking good; it’s about feeling good. Sometimes, small self-care acts like this are the first step to remembering that you deserve the love and effort you give to everything else.Fuel Your Body to Fuel Your Mind:
When you’re on the go, it’s easy to eat like you’re on autopilot. Mind body connection is real, so try prepping some snacks or meals in advance—think quick but nutrient-packed options that keep your energy steady. This will also cross a task of your mental load.Therapy Is Your Friend: Check out Therapy for Black Girls for a directory of therapists. I get you already have so much on your plate but even one session a month can make a difference, choose it to the frequency that works for you. Most therapist are flexible and will work to support you and your schedule, just give them an hour.
Sarai, you’re doing so much, and I see you out here navigating life with strength. Burnout happens to the best of us—it’s not a sign of failure, but a signal to slow down and recalibrate. You deserve to enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard to build. Take these steps, pour into yourself, and remember: the grind doesn’t define you. You’ve got this. Thanks for writing in boo!
With love and lattes,
Ken
The Power of Vulnerability: Why It’s Okay to Not Have Everything Figured Out
Ever feel like you need to have it all together, but you just don’t? Society, family, and even social media often make us feel like we’re failing if our life doesn’t look like a highlight reel. For many, especially Black women, the pressure to embody the "Strong Black Woman" schema can make vulnerability feel like a luxury we can’t afford. But here’s the truth: vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s a superpower.
Societal Pressures to "Have It All Figured Out"
Growing up as the oldest daughter, my family made sure I was laser-focused on my studies. Dating? A distraction. So, I did what I was supposed to—got a degree, built a career, and became financially independent. But now, at 29, my family greets me with, “When will you have babies? When’s the wedding?” UM, WHAT?! Y’all are confusing me.
These unrealistic expectations, especially for first-gen adults, make us feel like we’re always falling short.
A Personal Story of Vulnerability
At 25, my life hit a turning point. I was stuck in a career I’d outgrown, battling anxiety and depression, and grieving the loss of my grandfather. I had no hobbies, no joy, just me and my endless thoughts. Reading Yvonne Orji’s Bamboozled by Jesus was my wake-up call. That book lit a fire under me! It reminded me of my purpose and pushed me to take action.
I admitted to myself that where I was wasn’t where I wanted to be, and from that moment, I committed to change. I started grad school, made a plan for my life, and began walking in my truth.
Pro Tip: Check out Yvonne Orji’s book here.
How Vulnerability Fosters Connection
Letting my guard down helped me connect with amazing people who were meant to be in my life. When you stop pretending everything’s perfect, the right people show up.
Reframing Vulnerability
Vulnerability is growth. Releasing shame and doubt is key. Here’s a tip: journal your thoughts and identify where your shame comes from. Writing helped me rediscover myself and even inspired my business, Product of Therapy and Prayer, which started with selling journals.
The Myth of "Perfectly Put-Together"
Stop comparing yourself to others’ highlight reels. Imperfection is human. Try these journaling prompts to embrace vulnerability:
What’s one thing I feel shame about, and why?
What would my life look like if I showed up as my authentic self?
What’s one step I can take today to let go of perfectionism?
How can I love myself when I am not perfect?
Conclusion
No one has it all figured out, and that’s okay. Vulnerability is a tool for self-awareness, connection, and healing. Be kind to yourself—you’re exactly where you need to be.
How to Handle Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s (Without Losing Your Sh*t)
Did you know over 60% of young adults feel stressed about their future? As a Black first-gen adult, stress isn’t just about work or school—it’s the weight of family expectations, cultural pressure, and breaking generational cycles. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Balancing Multiple Roles
As first-gens, we juggle everything: careers, education, family, and friends. It’s overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it all at once. Think of your energy as tanks: emotional, physical, financial, self-care, humor, and romance. If they’re all empty, it’s dangerous. Monitor them and refill as needed!
Understanding Stress and Anxiety
Stress isn’t just in your head. It’s in your body too. High-functioning anxiety and depression can look like “success” to others, but inside, you’re barely holding it together. Recognizing this is the first step.
Coping Strategies for Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s
💬 "Let’s talk real quick because life be lifin’, and sometimes it’s just a lot. Here’s what’s helped me and might help you too, step by step."
1. Mindfulness: Be Here Now
Mindfulness doesn’t mean sitting cross-legged and chanting (unless that’s your thing). It’s about bringing your attention to this moment.
Start with this:
Sit somewhere comfortable. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, and then let it out for 6 seconds. Do this three times.
While you breathe, think: “I am safe. I am here. This moment is enough.”
When life is loud:
Try a “5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise.”
Look around and name 5 things you can see.
Touch 4 things you can feel.
Listen for 3 things you can hear.
Notice 2 things you can smell.
Identify 1 thing you can taste.
It’s like hitting the “reset” button for your brain.
2. Journaling: Dump It All Out
Girl, journaling isn’t just for teenagers writing about their crushes—it’s your free therapist in a notebook.
When you’re overwhelmed:
Grab a journal (or scrap paper, or your Notes app) and write for 5 minutes. Literally anything. Start with, “Right now, I’m feeling…”
Or, try this journal prompt: “What’s one thing I’m proud of today?”
Want to go deeper?
Write a letter to your stress. Be as petty or emotional as you want. (“Dear Stress, why you gotta be like this?”)
End the letter by telling it what you’re going to do to take control.
💡 If you need a journal, peep my collection here. Start your journaling journey with intention!
3. Exercise: Move That Body
Listen, you don’t have to be a gym rat for this. Moving your body, even just a little, can quiet your mind.
Here’s a quick start:
Set a timer for 10 minutes. Put on your favorite playlist and dance like nobody’s watching. No choreography, no rules—just vibe.
Take a walk. Leave your phone behind or play a podcast (I love “Therapy for Black Girls” or “On Purpose with Jay Shetty”).
Got gym access?
My bestie Megs put me on to ClassPass, and chef’s kiss! Use this link to get a free month. Try yoga, pilates, or boxing to let off steam!
4. Boundaries: Protect Your Peace
Listen, “no” is a full sentence. And you don’t need to explain it.
For family:
If they’re asking for too much, try this: “I love y’all, but I need to focus on myself right now. I hope you understand.”
If someone presses you about life choices (“Where the babies at?!”), practice: “I’m working on myself right now. Thanks for understanding.” Then change the subject.
For work:
Block out “me time” on your calendar, even if it’s just 30 minutes. Treat it like an unmissable meeting.
5. Support System: Find Your People
Your friends aren’t your therapists, but the right ones can be your lifeline.
Lean on them, but gently:
Instead of dumping everything, try: “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about something lighter for a bit?”
If they’re not available, don’t take it personally. Everyone’s juggling something.
Build your team:
Invest in therapy if you can. Therapy is self-care with a license. (Hot tip: Check if your job offers an Employee Assistance Program!)
Pro Tip: Your friends’ inability to support you doesn’t mean they’re bad friends; it means they have their own stuff too.
6. Time Management: The Art of Doing Less
When everything feels urgent, take a deep breath. Not everything needs to be done today.
Start here:
Write down everything you need to do this week.
Highlight the top 3. Focus on those. The rest? They can wait.
Feeling stuck?
Try the “Pomodoro Technique.” Set a timer for 25 minutes. Work on one task. Then take a 5-minute break. Repeat.
You’re not in this alone. Stress and anxiety are real, but so are your tools to fight them. Start small. Breathe. Move. Set boundaries. You’ve got this.
And when it feels like too much? Remember, you’re building strength in these moments. Let’s grow together. 🖤
The Struggles and Strengths of Being the Oldest Daughter
I wish “oldest daughter” could be listed as an official job title on my résumé because, truthfully, I’ve acquired some of my best skills in this role—organization, leadership, planning, problem-solving, you name it. Since I was a toddler, I’ve been a resourceful queen, whether it was figuring out how to get gum out of my sister’s favorite doll’s hair or editing her college essays. I joke with my sister that she calls me for help before she even thinks, but honestly, it’s not a joke.
Now, add the title of first-gen oldest daughter into the mix, and woo—let’s pass the collection plate around. There’s a unique weight to being the “go-to” person in the family. It’s fulfilling at times, but it’s also exhausting.
The Sense of Responsibility
Being the oldest often feels like being a second parent. You’re expected to balance your personal growth while supporting everyone else’s. And let me tell you, that weight is heavy. There have been moments where I’m knee-deep in my own mess—barely holding it together—and my sister calls me for something she could’ve Googled. I’ll ignore the call to protect my peace, but then my mom chimes in with, “Can you figure this out for your sister?” or “Can you talk to your sister? She’s out of control.”
Ma’am, that is your child.
And here I am, caught in the middle, feeling like I can’t even afford to lose it because someone needs me. In my lowest moments, I used to wish I had someone like me—an older sister to carry the weight, someone to look out for me the way I’ve looked out for everyone else.
It’s isolating being the “problem solver” of the family. But then I have to ask myself—in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion—who assigned me this role? Did someone officially hand me this responsibility, or have I carried this stress unnecessarily for most of my life?
How This Role Shapes Identity
This role often shapes our sense of self in profound ways, sometimes for the worse. Being the oldest daughter often goes hand-in-hand with something I like to talk about with my clients: maladaptive perfectionism. We feel the need to have it all together, all the time. The weight of constantly being “on” can contribute to anxiety, depression, and stress, all of which can manifest in clinical ways.
But it’s not all bad. This role has also given me invaluable strengths.
The Strengths You Gain
As a therapist, I can confidently say my early “job” as the big sister shaped my clinical skills. It taught me empathy, leadership, and how to juggle multiple roles. It’s helped me in friendships, relationships, and even in running my business. I am literally a girl boss.
Looking back, Kendal always knew who she was. My childhood prepared me to show up for others—and for myself—in ways I never imagined.
Self-Care for Oldest Daughters
To my fellow oldest daughters: Put that phone down when you need to. Seriously. You don’t always have to jump into problem-solving mode because sometimes your siblings don’t need a parent; they just need their sibling.
Take care of yourself. Deal with the stress instead of pushing through it. Ask for support instead of trying to do it all on your own. And most importantly, set boundaries.
Self-Care Tips for Oldest Daughters
Take Breaks Without Guilt
You’re allowed to rest. The world won’t fall apart if you step away for a moment. Schedule time for yourself, even if it’s just 30 minutes to read, walk, or breathe.
Do Something Just for You
Engage in activities that bring you joy—whether it’s binge-watching a guilty pleasure, trying a new hobby, or treating yourself to a solo date.
Say No Without Explaining
Practice saying, “I can’t help with that right now,” or “I’m not available.” You don’t need to justify prioritizing yourself.
Reconnect With Your Inner Child
Think about what made you happy when you were younger. Was it painting, riding your bike, or dancing in your room? Do it again. It’s healing.
Delegate Responsibilities
It’s okay to share the load. If others in your family can handle something, let them. You don’t need to do it all.
Create Daily Rituals
Incorporate small, grounding rituals like morning journaling, lighting a candle, or practicing gratitude. These moments of peace add up.
Boundary-Setting Tips for Oldest Daughters
Identify What’s Draining You
Pay attention to tasks or interactions that leave you feeling exhausted. These areas likely need boundaries.
Use Assertive Communication
Speak calmly but firmly when setting boundaries. For example, “I’m happy to help, but I can’t drop everything right now.”
Be Okay With Discomfort
Boundaries might upset others at first, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Discomfort is a natural part of growth—for you and them.
Set “Office Hours”
Let family members know when you’re available to help and when you’re not. For instance, “I’ll be free to talk after 7 PM.”
Stop Jumping in Immediately
Give others a chance to figure things out before stepping in. Not every problem requires your immediate input.
Write Your Boundaries Down
Create a list of boundaries you’d like to maintain. Seeing them in writing helps you stay accountable to yourself.
Seek Support When Needed
If setting boundaries feels hard, talk it out with someone you trust—a friend, a partner, or even a therapist.
Remember: Boundaries Are Acts of Love
Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about protecting your energy so you can show up fully for the things that matter most.
Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and prioritizing your well-being ensures you have the capacity to continue showing up for those you care about. ❤️
Conclusion
The experience of being the oldest daughter is different for everyone, but one thing is for sure: it builds strength and wisdom like no other. Remember, they didn’t ask to be the youngest, just like we didn’t ask to be the oldest.
Still, we’re all figuring this life thing out for the first time. Take care of yourself—you deserve it. And if this resonates, share your story. Let’s lift each other up as we navigate this unique journey together.