Decentering Men/Women: How Shifting Generational Expectations Can Lead to Healthier Lives
Let’s have a real conversation about something that keeps coming up: the idea of making someone else—whether that’s a man, woman, or anyone you love—the center of your universe. Spoiler alert: it’s not healthy, no matter how cute they are or how good they look in a tailored suit or flowy dress.
This isn’t about bashing men or women. It’s about looking at how centering your life on anyone can make you lose sight of who you are. And trust me, that’s the quickest way to burn out, miss out, and wake up one day wondering where you went.
The College Pressure: "Find Your Partner by Graduation"
When I went to Syracuse, I saw it firsthand. People out here treating college like it was a husband-or-wife-finding competition. We were 18, still figuring out how to do use Blackboard, and some people already had “ring by spring” energy. I mean, I get it—independence can feel scary, and a partner might seem like a shortcut to stability.
And listen, I got caught up too. There was a time when I thought I was madly in love. Looking back? I can’t even tell you why I felt that way. Maybe it was because he was fine, could read a book without struggling, and sh*t he was fine.
That pressure to find someone isn’t just a college thing, though. In the first-gen community, it’s deep. The way I see it, you’re often expected to pick a lane: either find someone to build a family with (and carry the weight of generational caregiving) or focus on becoming the boss who takes care of everyone else. But why does it have to be one or the other?
What Happens When You Center a Partner
Here’s the hard truth: when you make someone the center of your life, you start living for them instead of yourself. You’re not chasing your dreams; you’re making decisions based on how they’ll fit into their life. And over time, that becomes exhausting—for both of you.
For men, this might look like feeling the constant pressure to “provide” or be the emotional rock, even when you’re barely holding yourself together. For women, it can show up as pouring everything into being the caretaker, leaving no room for your own goals or well-being. Either way, it’s unsustainable.
A healthy relationship isn’t about one person doing all the heavy lifting. It’s about both people showing up, doing the emotional labor, and creating a partnership that allows both of you to grow.
Decentering Your Partner: The Key to Thriving
Let me be clear: I’m not saying relationships aren’t important. I love my man deeply. But I love me even more. And I’ve made it a point not to let my life revolve around him. I’ve learned that love is about addition, not subtraction and have built a life that honors both of us without making him the center of my universe.
Why? Because I’ve seen what happens when people lose themselves in their relationships. They stop dreaming big. They stop taking risks. They stop being curious about the world because they’re too busy trying to be the perfect partner.
When you decenter your partner, you create space for yourself. You make room to explore your passions, set goals, and build a life that fulfills you—so that when you do come together as a couple, you’re bringing your full, authentic self to the table.
For First-Gens: Breaking the Mold
As a first-gen twenty-something, the stakes feel higher. Your family sacrificed a lot to get you to where you are, and there’s this expectation to carry that forward. For women, that might look like finding a partner who can help you provide for the next generation. For men, it’s often about being the backbone of the family.
But what if we flipped the script? What if the best way to honor those sacrifices was to live authentically, to chase your dreams, and to build relationships that complement your life instead of consuming it?
I’m choosing to live in the gray area. I want to build a thriving career and a loving family—not one at the expense of the other. I want my kids to see what a balanced, healthy life looks like, so they don’t feel the same pressure to choose between success and love.
Emotional Labor: A Shared Responsibility
One thing I have to talk about is emotional labor. It’s that invisible work that keeps relationships running—the check-ins, the planning, the caretaking. And if it’s falling on one person (often the woman, but not always), it’s a problem.
Men, this is your cue to show up emotionally. Women, this is your reminder to let people take accountability for their part in the relationship. Everyone deserves a partner, not a therapist or a parent.
Also, can we make a pact to take the podcast mics away from anyone who hasn’t done the work to heal through their own stuff? Because we don’t need more relationship advice from people projecting their unprocessed trauma.
Finding Yourself Outside the Relationship
At the end of the day, your relationship should be a part of your life—not your whole life. Whether you’re single, dating, or married, your happiness starts with you.
Take yourself on solo dates. Pursue hobbies that make you lose track of time. Set boundaries that protect your peace. Because the better you know and love yourself, the better you can show up in any relationship.
Decentering for the Future
When you stop centering your life around a partner, you start living for yourself—and that’s when the magic happens. You open yourself up to new experiences, deeper connections, and a life that feels true to who you are.
So whether you’re navigating first-gen pressures, figuring out your next move, or just trying to find balance, remember this: you are whole on your own. Your relationship should be a bonus, not the foundation.
Let’s build lives that honor where we come from without losing sight of who we are. Because you, my friend, deserve to thrive.
Let’s Do This Together
We’re all about community here, so let’s make this a shared journey. This week, I challenge you to:
Journal It Out: Take 10 minutes to reflect on this question: “What do I want for my life outside of my relationship?” Be honest, dream big, and don’t hold back.
Solo Time Challenge: Pick one thing to do just for you this week. It could be a solo coffee date, trying out that yoga class you’ve been eyeing, or just curling up with a book.
When you’ve done one (or both), come share your experience with the community! Drop a comment, DM me, or tag me on TikTok @ADoseofKen with what you did and how it felt. Let’s inspire each other to prioritize ourselves—because we deserve it.
Resources to Help You Get There
Want to dive deeper? Here are some books from Black voices to help you balance love, life, and everything in between:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
All About Love by bell hooks
Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde
We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (because financial independence is a form of self-love too!)
When you’re grounded in who you are, your relationship becomes the cherry on top—not the whole sundae. So here’s to love, but more importantly, here’s to you.
