Dear Ken… “Feeling Like I Can’t Take Much More”

I’ve added a page where you can submit advice letters, and we’ve already received a few! Dat is so crazy. Feel free to send in your questions on the ‘Dear Ken’ page. Let’s see how we can support each other. Sarai wrote in and gave permission to use her name—I'll leave comments on just in case you'd like to add your thoughts two cents.

Sarai’s letter

Hey Ken, this blog is so cute and needed and I wanted to write you to get a dose of help cause girl I need it lol. My name is Sarai, I don't mind if you keep my name in I am 26 and work in tech sales I prayed really hard to get into this role and now that I am in it I am feeling ungrateful. This is my second year in it and around the holidays business is overwhelming I am traveling a lot and always feeling like I dont have time to do anything. My hair has been in a bun for too long and I'm sure I have a bald spot lol. On top of that me and my mom have been going at it because I moved out a year ago and have not been spending a lot of time with her. She and my dad are very needy because they have the mentality that since they sacrificed so much for me I have to give my all to them now and I respect that but I literally have nothing. It doesn't help with my stress when I am getting lengthy texts from my mom about how I am ungrateful and should be ashamed at how distant I am. I feel so lost and sad at life right now I love my career and am proud of my accomplishments but damn! I feel like I cannot enjoy it, I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to find a therapist but I don't even know when i will be able to talk to one right now. Any advice on how to push through would be helpful. Thank you

Response

Hey Sarai,

First off, thank you for trusting me with this. Girl, you sound like a powerhouse. You’re out here doing the thing—26, thriving in tech sales, making moves—and even though it feels heavy, you’re doing it. Let me just affirm you right here: you are not alone, and you are absolutely killing it. But whew, it also sounds like burnout is knocking on your door. It happens when you’re giving too much to everything and leaving yourself with crumbs. In order to be the best version of yourself, you have to slow down sometimes and pour into you. Burnout is no stranger to the first gen pop—you’ve gotta know when it’s creeped into the room and politely tell it to get out. Let’s unpack this, because you deserve to thrive, not just survive.

Step 1: Check Those Tanks

You’re running on empty, and in How to Handle Stress and Anxiety in Your 20s (Without Losing Your Sh*t) I mentioned my “tank analogy” before—think of your capacity as multiple tanks: emotional, physical, career, family, etc. Write down where you feel each tank is at right now. Is your self-care tank bone dry? (Sounds like it—sis, please get your hair done, you’ve earned it!) Once you know what’s running low, you can prioritize filling up the ones that matter most.

Step 2: Manage the Overwhelm

Let me put you on to the Eisenhower Matrix It’s a simple tool to help you figure out what’s urgent and important versus what can wait or even be delegated. This tool can be beneficial in getting everything out of your head and on paper, creating a plan for your next moves. I have to use this or I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. With all the work stress and holiday chaos, this can help you focus on what really matters and let go of the fluff.

Step 3: Talk to Your Mom… or Not

Sarai, I don’t know what side of the diaspora you’re on and I’m not trying to get you hurt, but let me say this with my whole chest: talking to your mom might help—or it might leave you with even more stress so lets break it down and give you options. Only you know how she’ll respond. Ultimately remember you can love and respect your parents without sacrificing your sanity.

Talk to Mom:

Next time your mom sends a guilt-inducing text, try saying something like:
"Mom, I love you and value everything you’ve done for me. Right now, I’m navigating a lot with work, and it’s been hard to keep up. I want to spend time with you, but I also need space to recharge so I can show up as my best self. Let’s plan something together soon."
This sets a boundary and reassures her that you care.

Avoid the Guilt Trip:

If having a direct heart-to-heart feels like it’s going to turn into a guilt Olympics, then skip it for now and try these tips instead:

• Set Boundaries in Doses: Instead of diving into heavy conversations, limit interactions to what feels manageable for you. A quick call or text to check in can go a long way without draining your emotional tank. “Ok yeah ma, I was just calling to check in… I gotta go- I’m burning up the rice.”

  • I’ve found setting a consistent schedule to spend time with parents to be helpful. For example, you could designate Fridays to visit them. You might hear things that aren’t ideal, but the goal isn’t to change them—we love our parents, we just need them in manageable doses. So, when they call or text, you can calmly say, “Okay, I’ll see you Friday.” Use whatever emotional tools you need to navigate that time with them, knowing it’s a planned and manageable visit.

• Tag In Some Backup: If you’ve got a sibling or close family member who can help bridge the gap or take some of the pressure off, don’t hesitate to lean on them.

• Reframe the Guilt: Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t disrespectful. Your accomplishments and well-being are a testament to all their sacrifices—and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

  The goal is to show love without sacrificing your sanity. You don’t have to handle this all at once, and it’s okay to take small steps in managing family dynamics. 💛

Step 4: Pour Into Yourself

• Take Breaks Without Guilt:
  Even if it’s small, take time to breathe. Apps like Insight Timer or simple guided meditations (Calm, Breath) can help you pause and reset.

  • Mini Wins Matter: Throw on a face mask, stretch for five minutes, or journal—quick, simple acts can remind you that you matter too.

  • Schedule Joy: Block out a non-negotiable hour for something you love—whether it’s a walk, catching up on your favorite show, or trying a new coffee spot. When I am overwhelmed I picture Joy from Inside Out coming in to “save me” and make me do the things that would make me happy.

• Hair Therapy Is Real:
  Sis, book the hair appointment or do it yourself. A bald spot is willlddd. Having your hair done is not just about looking good; it’s about feeling good. Sometimes, small self-care acts like this are the first step to remembering that you deserve the love and effort you give to everything else.

• Fuel Your Body to Fuel Your Mind:
  When you’re on the go, it’s easy to eat like you’re on autopilot. Mind body connection is real, so try prepping some snacks or meals in advance—think quick but nutrient-packed options that keep your energy steady. This will also cross a task of your mental load.

• Therapy Is Your Friend: Check out Therapy for Black Girls for a directory of therapists. I get you already have so much on your plate but even one session a month can make a difference, choose it to the frequency that works for you. Most therapist are flexible and will work to support you and your schedule, just give them an hour.

  Sarai, you’re doing so much, and I see you out here navigating life with strength. Burnout happens to the best of us—it’s not a sign of failure, but a signal to slow down and recalibrate. You deserve to enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard to build. Take these steps, pour into yourself, and remember: the grind doesn’t define you. You’ve got this. Thanks for writing in boo!

  With love and lattes,
  Ken